(NeoAU1) Memoirs of a Sword - Part 2
by Salty Hakuouki
Summary: Saito and Chizuru are hiding their relationship to the rest of the Shinsengumi but a few bumps appear on their road to hapiness. What is Ito planning with all these meetings ? And why does Chizuru’s eyes sometimes light golden ? Written in Saito’s POV. SaitoXChizuru. Canon - AU Now complete but there will be a part 3. M-rated chapters : 22, 34, 40
1. Previously

**Hi everyone ! Welcome to « What I do not say, I still feel - part 2 »**

**TRIGGER WARNINGS : The first part was already rated M because of violence, murder, rape (non explicit) and sexual themes. This second part is going to be darker with mature adult themes. I don't say what to not spoil but be aware. **

**Lemons : just like for part 1, I indicate here the lemon chapters : 22 Reunion, 40 Heir and a small one in chapter 34 Hangover. **

**I highly recommend to read the first part before this one (because i worked so hard on it) lol, but also to see how Chizuru and Saito had evolved and why. They have been through a lot. If you don't want to read it, though, here's a quick summary of the political situation and the state of their relationship (longer because i explain everything, don't read if you don't want to spoil yourself and hadn't read part 1) **

**Politics and context : **

The Shinsengumi is still protecting Kyoto after the Ikedaya incident, the Hamaguri gates and the failed attempt to rescue Ryouma Sakamoto, the Tosa emissary. The Bakufu launched two expéditions against the Choshu, enemies of the court. The second one is still going on but the Choshu is winning, better equipped than the shogunate forces and they have been joined by Satsuma, the largest domain of the west. The french mission is in Osaka, teaching a shogunate elite force about western tactics and weapons.

This second part starts in March 1867. Saito is attending Ito's meetings under Hijikata's command.

**SaiChi :**

At first, Saito felt like Chizuru was nothing more but a bother but he eventually fell in love with her. Souji was teasing him all the time about it but Saito didn't wanted a relationship. He had the feeling that it would be dishonorable to be with her without marrying her and so he restrained himself. He met Yuki, an oiran who looked vaguely like Chizuru, and started to see her a lot as a decoy. She dared him to confess to the woman he love and he eventually did it when he took her to Gion's festival. She answered his feelings and they kept their relationship secret.

Hijikata decided to use Chizuru as a spy and disguised her and Heisuke as maikos to gather informations in a tea house. Saito could only see her from afar for months and had joined Sannan for night rounds to give a report on the Rasetsu corp. One night, Chizuru was nearly raped and Saito saved her. From then, he decided that Heisuke wasn't enough and that he would find assure her protection. The okiya wanted to sell Chizuru's virginity and Saito, with the help of Yuki, who became his friend, disguised as a geiko to get into the tea house and got violent with the man willing to buy Chizuru's virginity. Chizuru went back to the compound and no one knew that Saito was involved except from Heisuke who held his tongue.

For their birthday in February, Saito brought Chizuru to eat castellas and he gets guilty because it's time for her to find a husband and he can't marry her. He asked her to promise she wouldn't waste her life on his account but she refused, telling him she'd walk by his side even if he could never marry her.

After the fail of the rescue of Sakamoto, Chizuru got missing for hours and Saito restlessly searched Kyoto for her before Shimada told hil she was back at the compound. Due to his fear of loosing her (and Souji stealing his futon) he got in her room and they spent a night together platonically. Saito didn't want to be the one dishonoring her.

After the loss of Tairô, a member of his unit, they both felt a lot of grief and were splattered in blood. They went to the bathroom but their need for confort made them fall into each other's arms and Chizuru got her first time. After it, they took a bath together and Saito asked if she ressent him for taking away her innocence. She said she'll have to find a husband who doesn't care his wife is spoiled and Saito told her she's not marrying anyone but him.

They started spending most of their nights together platonically until Chizuru's birthday, when Saito made homemade castellas to celebrate, taking the excuse of his birthday for the other captains. After the dinner he joined Chizuru in her room and made love to her but when Chizuru orgasmed, her eyes lit with a golden color. Saito was totally confused by the sight of it.

**Other info :**

Souji is the only one knowing about the relationship between Saito and Chizuru. He has tuberculosis and things are getting harder.

Heisuke is in love with Chizuru. She already rejected him but they stayed best friends.

Chizuru is learning eastern medecine with Yamazaki and western medecine. She also learned Hokushin Itto-Ryû with Heisuke, a bit of Iai with Saito and she used to train with Tairô, the dead boy of Saito's unit. Since his death, she hadn't touch a sword.


	2. Izumo

March 1867

I tried to ask discreetly Harada and Nagakura about the golden eyes. I was far from being a virgin, even if I didn't have as many women as they had, and I knew what a female orgasm looked like but this... It was so much different from everything I saw before... And clearly unnatural. Unfortunately, the both of them didn't seem to understand at all what I was implying when I talked about changing color eyes. They talked to me about swirling emotions and sparkling gaze... That wasn't even close... I quickly ended the conversation before they got too nosy. I didn't ask Souji. He would have known I was speaking about Chizuru and he would have teased her with it. No... I didn't have any more options...

I tried to speak to Chizuru about it too but she didn't realize at all that her eyes changed color and she told me it must have been my imagination since she never experienced it before and it didn't seem to happen the few times we made love afterwards. On other circumstances, I would have believed her but the scenery of her golden eyes lighting up the room was haunting me. How could I have imagined it ? I wasn't even drunk or ill...

Even if it was bothering me, I didn't show it to Chizuru. If she didn't know anything about it, then there was no point in harassing her with questions. And if I did imagined it, it would make me a fool. Lately, we spent less nights together. Not that I was avoiding her but Ito's meetings were more numerous and were sometimes very late at night. I didn't want to trouble her sleep and therefore, it was preferable for me to sleep in my room. I was still going to her when I could but it wasn't as often as it had been.

In the courtyard, I was sipping tea with Souji, looking at the flower buds starting to open on the cherry trees. Spring was already here. How time had fly this year. It seemed like yesterday that we shared a bento under the cherry blossoms with Chizuru singing.

« I can't even tell apart tea from hot water now... » Souji told me suddenly.

He was getting more depressed lately, probably because his illness was progressing faster than he expected. Now his arms and chest weren't those of a warrior anymore. He got skinny. His coughs were also more violent and he was spitting blood almost every day. As his friend, I was feeling helpless as I could only witness his slow decay and couldn't help him in any way.

« Hey, how are things going on with Chizuru ? » he asked, changing the subject.

« it's alright. » I answered, sipping my tea.

« What kind of answer is that ?! » he chuckled « At least, give a few details ! I can't never count on you, can I ?! Always so secret and uptight... That must be uncomfortable to have such a large broom up your ass...»

I didn't answer, looking at Chizuru from afar, a book in her hand. Since she hadn't touch a bokken for months, she read more and more books instead, lent to her by Matsumoto-sensei who was with the Frenchmen and the Denshutai at Osaka castle. I think part of her wanted to become a doctor so she could be even more useful in the headquarters. I wasn't sure Matsumoto-sensei would agree to take a girl as apprentice though. All to her study, she was walking and reading at the same time and she didn't see Miki in front of her. With a grin, he extended his leg to make her fall and she did.

Souji and I both put our cups down at the same time and walked across the courtyard to join them. I saw Miki help her get up and say something to her with a grin and her eyes widened in ... fear ?

« Ara, this kind of behavior isn't worthy of a captain... » said Souji, arms crossed.

« What do you mean ? » shrugged Miki « the kid fell, I helped him get up. »

« Problem is why he fell in the first place. » added Souji, not smiling at all.

« I'm okay, Okita. Don't bother... » said Chizuru.

« No, it's not okay. » Souji said, hand on his sword but not taking any threatening fighting stance.

« Maybe the kid should just look where he's going. I have nothing to do with this. » said Miki with a grin and he also put his hand on his sword. « And I don't have any lessons to take from someone who can barely lift his sword. »

That was a trigger for Souji who unsheathe his katana and aimed it at Miki's throat who didn't budge, his grin still on. I decided to interfere.

« The code of conduct forbids anyone to threaten a comrade. But if this is only a demonstration of swordsmanship, I would gladly be the referee of this duel. » I said with my toneless voice.

Souji smirked and sheathed back his katana.

« Of course that's what I meant. How about a friendly duel, Miki ? » he said.

« I don't think the duel will be fair in your current state. » laughed Miki.

« Are you afraid ? » goaded Souji, his smirk still on.

Miki snort with disdain and unsheathed his sword.

« You're on. »

« Yukimura. » I said to Chizuru « go get two bokken, please. »

« No need. » said Souji, stopping Chizuru « I'm completely trusting Miki's abilities as a swordsman. »

I nodded and they positioned themselves in the center of the courtyard, at duel distance. The duel would be won by the first one to have a point. Miki draw the first blow that Souji dodged easily, leaving Miki surprised.

« A problem, Miki ? » said Souji, playfully.

« I thought you'd be weaker. » he answered with a smirk « guess I won't have to go too easy on you. I was trying not to hurt your pride. »

« Try to worry less about my pride and more about your neck. » said Souji with a predatory grin.

« Is that a threat ? »

« Only if you choose it to be. »

The duel resumed and the blows became faster and also more violent. If they had been less talented swordsmen, I would never have let them use their swords. It was a one way duel though. Souji was only defending himself while Miki was attacking, putting more strength and more speed in each blow. After a while, the duel became less honorable and I could see Miki was aiming for Souji's vital parts. The duel wasn't about a demonstration of swordsmanship now, it was about hurting and perhaps, killing. Souji's breath was becoming shallow and I could sense his internal battle against the cough inside his lungs. He was fighting two battles at a time and loosing one would mean loosing the other. As I took a step forward to end the duel though, Souji's blade eventually landed on the side of Miki's neck, stopping only a few millimeters from his skin.

« Ippon. » I said, giving the point and the victory to Souji.

« Sorry Miki » he said playfully « I was starting to get bored. »

Miki gritted his teeth but regained his composure and smiled.

« I guess I was wrong about your abilities. » he said, fair play.

« Well I'm the Sword of The Shinsengumi. » said Souji with a smile but his eyes were threatening. « I think Yukimura-kun deserves an apology. »

Miki gritted his teeth again and turned to Chizuru.

« My apologies for bumping into you, boy. » he said, bowing.

Souji sheathed his sword, satisfied, and went again to his room, probably to cough his lungs out without being seen. Miki, knuckles white from the anger, left too and I stayed with Chizuru.

« What did Miki told you ? » I asked her, remembering her face.

« He said he knows my secret. » she told me, flustered.

« Which secret ? »

« He didn't tell me... »

My gaze followed Miki going away, wondering what exactly he could know and if I would have to swiftly get rid of him at some point, under Hijikata-san's command of course.

« Saito ! » I heard from afar « meeting ! »

« Ha. » I answered and I turned to Chizuru again « can you make some tea, please ? »

« Of course, I'll bring cups in the common room. »

I joined the other captains, sitting in seiza. Everyone was there including Ito and Miki and I was surprised to see Takeda facing us, at the right of Kondou-san and Hijikata-san.

« We have some sad news for you today » started Kondou-san « after years in the Shinsengumi, Takeda Kanryuusai, our captain of the fith division had decided to get back to his family in Izumo. We wish him all the best in the rest of his life and we thank him for his years of service. »

Hijikata-san and Kondou-san bowed to Takeda and we followed. I frowned and I wasn't the only one. The code of conduct forbade anyone to quit the Shinsengumi, from simple soldier to captain, and I executed enough deserters to know this rule by heart. I wondered why Takeda could have a special treatment but it wasn't my call to decide anyway. I wasn't sure that creating a precedent was a good idea though.

« So the code of conduct isn't that unbreakable, is it ? » I heard Miki whisper to Ito and the latter chuckled with his foxy smile.

I glanced at Miki and so did Souji but he acted as if he hadn't said anything. When Chizuru entered with the tea, though, he looked at her intensely and a mean grin appeared on his face. I was already spying on Ito and Miki but this grin... I'd have to keep an eye on the captain of the ninth division and follow him like a shadow. His interest in Chizuru didn't seem to be a friendly one.

« Thank you for everything the Shinsengumi has done for me. » bowed Takeda in return « I leave with a heavy heart because of all the comrades I'm leaving behind and I wish you the best in the protection of the Bakufu and the city of Kyoto. »

After these courtesies, we all stood up and Ito came to me.

« Saito-kun, if you still wish to attend our meetings, there is one in this room in a few minutes. » he informed me with his foxy smile that was always giving me the envy to put my sword through him.

« I'll stay. » I said, sitting back down.


	3. Attack

April 1867

« Saito. » I heard Yamazaki from behind the shoji « Saito, I'm coming in. »

I opened my eyes, glad that I was indeed sleeping in my room and not with Chizuru. That would have been unsettling. I sat up and arranged my ponytail as the ninja entered my room. He was wearing his black outfit and hiding his face with his mask. That wasn't a really good omen.

« Saito. Please get up and try not to be seen. You need to get to Hijikata-san's office at once. »

_In the middle of the night ? How bad is the situation exactly ?_

I nodded and put my kimono on. When I exited my room, I looked left and right to be sure no one was there. Discreetly, I went to Hijikata-san's office and didn't announce myself. The office was plunged in the dark but I sat in seiza anyway, knowing that the vice commander was there.

« Thank you for coming Saito. » I heard him say.

« What's the situation ? » I asked.

« Yukimura has been attacked tonight. By a Rasetsu. » he said and my blood froze in my veins.

_Chizuru ? Attacked ?! Is she hurt ? Is she even alive ?! Gods, let her be alive ! _

« She's fine. » continued the vice commander « her arm has been hurt but the injury isn't deep. It'll heal in no time. »

Relief invade my heart, along with guilt. If only I had been with her tonight, I would have protected her. Her room was very close to the Rasetsu quarters but I never thought something like this could happen. Sannan still had his sanity and seemed to have all the Rasetsu under control. I even patrolled with them myself and I've been impressed with their discipline. Since this, we had no incident, no Rasetsu hunting... I really thought they were tamed. I stayed silent, both reassured that she was alright and impatient to see her to witness with my own eyes that she was indeed unhurt.

« I've taken care of the problem and Sannan arrived shortly after. The other Rasetsu seem to be under control. The problem is that Ito has seen Sannan and the Rasetsu and realized we had been lying to him. »

I was starting to understand why I was there. I'd probably have to get rid of Ito discreetly.

« So Ito has taken the opportunity to quit the Shinsengumi. We decided to part ways as friends and he's allowed to take the men who wish to follow him. »

I stayed silent again, waiting for my instructions. I had enough informations now to figure our what Hijikata-san was expecting of me and it was breaking my heart. But orders were orders.

« I need you to go with Ito, gain his trust and keep an eye on him on our behalf. »

There it was. A very heavy rock installed itself in my chest as I nodded, throat dry but face impassive.

« Saito. I'm sorry to ask this from you. It's going to be a very solitary mission. Are you willing to take it anyway ? »

« I live for the Shinsengumi, Fukuchô. » I said in my toneless voice, hiding my emotions « I will do what is expected of me. »

« I knew I could count on you. » said Hijikata-san and in the shadows, I could devine a smile drawing on his lips. « Aside from me and Yamazaki, no one should know you're a double agent. Even Souji. You are forbidden to tell anyone but of couse, you figured that already. »

He stood up and I did the same, bowing to the vice commander that I respected so much. I discreetly went back to my room and looked around me. I didn't have much belongings aside from my swords. I packed a few kimonos, my tanto... And that was all. I stayed there for a while, looking at my bag. All my belongings were in it and yet, it still felt so empty. My life wasn't there. I felt the urge to join Chizuru, make sure she was safe... But that wouldn't be wise.

I laid on my futon, hands behind my head and gaze locked on the ceiling. In a few hours, I would be departing with Ito and his men. My stomach was so knotted I felt like I was going to vomit. Following Ito... That fox... What would I say to my unit ? To Souji ? To Chizuru ?

I sighed and tried to turn to the side but my eyes still wouldn't close. I would do my duty no matter what. Those were the orders. And I couldn't deny that it was only logical. All the work I did those past months, spying on Ito, assisting the meetings... All this prepared me for this event. I should have seen it coming.

I turned, locking my gaze on the ceiling again. I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. Only a few hours. A few hours... and I will join imperialists. For how long ? Weeks ? Months ? Years ? Inside, I was torn between my allegiance to the Shinsengumi and the desire to curse Hijikata-san for giving me this mission.

Chizuru. In a few hours, I would quit her. Without telling her why. Without knowing when I would be back. Without knowing if she would wait for me or even still love me after this.

_Fuck this. _I thought, getting up. I looked left and right before exiting my bedroom and walked in the shadows, alert. I saw from afar Sannan and Toudou speaking together and guarding the Rasetsu quarters and without making a noise, I slid myself into Chizuru's bedroom.

« Who is it ?! » she whispered with fear.

« Shhh, it's me. » I said, reassuring.

I heard her sigh with relief and I unfolded my futon that I put next to her bedding to lay with her. I took her in my arms, my nose in her hair, scenting the spices that I knew I would miss for so long.

« Are you unhurt ? » I asked her.

« Yeah, it's nothing... I've been more afraid than hurt anyway. » she answered.

I nodded and held her tighter, cursing that fox, Ito, who was taking me away from her, cursing Hijikata-san for not allowing me to explain to her why I had to leave.

« What's the matter, Saito ? » she asked, noticing that my behavior wasn't natural.

I didn't answer, keeping my nose in her hair and my arms around her. Clenching to her small body, I entwined my legs with hers. I didn't want to let go and I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was leaving her tomorrow. Maybe I was a coward, just like Souji said so many times.

« Saito ? » she asked again.

« Sleep, Chizuru... » I eventually answered.

_Let me hug you while I can... _

She fell asleep after a while but I was unable to close my eyes. I couldn't get enough of her scent and the small noises she was making while sleeping. When morning came, I put all my volition in parting with her and came back to my room to get my bag.

I remembered the promise I asked her to make me, a long time ago. The promise that she wouldn't waste her life on my account, waiting for me. I remembered how she got angry and refused, telling me that she would walk alongside me even if I could never marry her. But this time, I couldn't allow her to come with me.

_Goodbye Chizuru... _


	4. Goodbye

Ito's group was called the Guardians of the Imperial tomb and I expressed my intention to join. I explained my departure to my unit and they all wanted to follow. I told them to follow me only if they had true imperialism beliefs and not just because I was going. In the end, only Keisuke joined. I knew already that if I were to return to the Shinsengumi, I would leave him behind. I couldn't afford to have any possible traitors in my unit.

I was in the courtyard with Toudou, surprised to see that he was also coming, when she arrived. Somebody might have told her. She was running towards us and I could already see tears sparkling in her eyes.

« Saito ! Heisuke ! » she called, joining us. « Why ?! Why are you betraying us ?! Why are you going ?! »

She was screaming at us, her little fists clenched and her gaze filled with sorrow and anger. I didn't know what to do but fortunately, Toudou was the first to speak.

« Hey... » said Toudou with a fake joyful voice « looks like you found us... »

« They told me... but I couldn't believe it... I wanted to hear it from you... Why are you leaving the Shinsengumi ? » she yelled at us.

« Long story short... » explained Toudou « I've always been an imperialist and I stayed because of all the comrades I have here but it's not like I've always wanted to work for the bakufu or anything... And Ito's my senpai, I've been the one bringing him here... I feel like I must take the responsibility of going with him. »

« Even if it means leaving everyone else behind... What about Harada ? Nagakura ? The rest of us ? »

« I'm not really one of Ito's followers if that's what you're asking...But working for the Guardians of the Imperial tomb seems a better fit for me than the shogunate anyway... » he said with a sad smile.

« What about you, Saito ? » she asked and I could feel the pain in her voice.

« It serves my own ambitions. » I answered, trying to keep my voice as toneless as possible.

« What does that even mean ?! » she yelled.

Even if her voice was speaking to the both of us, her eyes were aimed solely at me and even Toudou noticed it. He tried to speak to Chizuru but it was as if she couldn't hear him. We were together, in a bubble of her anger, and the world around us wasn't existing anymore. Toudou got away eventually and Chizuru talked again.

« Why... Why didn't you tell me ? » she pleaded.

« I had no reason to bother you with this. » I answered, still emotionless.

« Last night... When you joined me... Your decision was already taken, wasn't it ? That's why you didn't want to speak to me ? You're just gonna leave me here ? »

The realization was slowly making it's way to her heart and it became even more difficult for me to not hold her and not tell her the truth.

« A samurai must master his emotions or be mastered by them. I can't let emotions cloud my judgement. » I lied.

« And what is that judgement ? Why do you believe you must go with Ito ? »

I walked to the cherry blossoms of the courtyard and watched them dancing in the wind to avoid Chizuru's accusative gaze. In my head, the lyrics of Sakura Sakura were resonating. I caught a petal in my hand and looked at it lengthily.

« How many cherry blossoms have I seen since I came to Kyoto... I wonder... » I muttered to myself before turning back to her « as time passes, everything change. The people, their ideas, even the Shinsengumi. »

« So... You're going because we changed ? » she asked in disbelief, confused, and I tried to give her a hint.

« I believe in the things that do not change. » I said, plunging my eyes into hers.

_My love for you. That would never change. Chizuru, please understand what I'm trying to tell you. I will be coming back for you. I can't tell you why I'm going but my heart is staying here, with the Shinsengumi and with you._

She stayed silent for a bit, probably trying to figure out what I meant by that but she didn't seem to have a clue. Fear, anger, sorrow, pain... were swirling in her gaze like a typhoon but soon replaced by something else : resolve.

« I'm coming. » she said.

« You cannot. You still are a prisoner of the Shinsengumi. Hijikata-san won't allow this. » I said calmly.

« Well, I don't care. Besides, the one usually going after deserters is deserting anyway. »

I stayed silent, looking at her little face burning with volition as if she had a fire burning from within. _Gods, I love her..._

« Keep silent all you want. » she continued « I told you before I would walk alongside you, whatever path you must take. These weren't hollow words. I. Am. Coming. »

She was insisting on each words as if I should be impressed by them. It was cute. But the truth was, I had been touched more than I would like to admit by her words that meant so much to me. I couldn't lie to her. But I couldn't tell her the truth. I took my wakizashi out of my obi and looked at it lengthily.

« Chizuru, do you know why bushi carry two swords ? » I asked her, still looking at my blade in its scabbard that I had in hand.

« What does that even has to do with you going with Ito ?! » she yelled but as I wasn't answering she eventually sighed « The wakizashi is used for seppuku. »

« True. It's also used for narrow spaces but mostly, the wakizashi is the guardian of the honor of a samurai. It's with it that you commit ritual suicide when your honor is tainted. »

I handed her the wakizashi but she didn't extend her hand to grab it.

« Chizuru. I'm leaving my honor here with you as its keeper. As long as I'm not wearing it, it is impossible for me to die honorably. I can't tell you why I'm going with Ito but I'm making this oath to you : I will come back for you. When I do, you will have the power to forgive and return my honor to me or command me to take my own life with it. »

_I'm not sure a life without you is worth living anyway. _

She extended her hand and put it on mine, holding the scabbard. Slowly her hand moved from mine and she took my wakizashi and put it in her obi, next to her kodachi.

« I will guard your honor. » she said « but you'd better keep that oath. »

Her voice was threatening and I couldn't help but smile at the sight of the strong little warrior I was so deeply in love with. I brushed my hand on her cheek and she caught it with hers, turning her head a little to deposit a small kiss in my palm and then putting it back on her cheek.

I took back my hand and turned away with grief, unable to speak more to her anyway. My throat was dried and my eyes were aching but I didn't turn back. Eventually, I found Souji, arms crossed and back against a wall, waiting for me.

« Souji. » I said.

« I do not speak to traitors. » he cut me.

He wasn't smiling. Not even a little. Just like Chizuru, his eyes were swirling with anger. I didn't answer and continued to walk. When I passed him though, he extended his arm to put his hand on my chest and stop me, and opened his mouth again.

« I'll be here to confort her and pick up the pieces of her broken heart. If you take another step now, that means you're okay with it. » he whispered in my ear and I understood very well what he was implying.

I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists but my hesitation didn't even last a second. I removed Souji's hand and took a step forward, taking me away from her, from Souji, from the Shinsengumi and everything I believed in. Nothing, especially feelings, could come between me and my duty. I wouldn't allow it.

I continued walking until I joined Toudou and the rest of the Guardians of the Imperial tomb and we all went away together. I didn't look back once.


	5. Guardian

May 1867

It's been one month already that I became a Guardian of the Imperial tomb. I was feeling like I was dying inside. My work wasn't really different from what I was already doing in the Shinsengumi. I had been given an unit, the second one. Miki got the first and Toudou the third. We still had to patrol the roads of Kyoto and maintain peace, the only notable difference was our political affiliation. Now, we were imperialists.

I was still trying to figure out if Toudou was also a spy with the same orders than I had or if he was there from his own volition. I never thought Toudou could get away from the Shinsengumi and especially from his friends Harada and Nagakura... And if he was still in love with Chizuru... His desertion didn't make any sense to me. I knew I would need to have a conversation about it with him at some point to figure out discreetly if we were in the same boat or not.

I had no doubt about Keisuke though. I kept him in my new unit but I had no doubt he followed me more because of political beliefs than for my leadership. For that, I was grateful, it would be easier to leave him here when I would return to the Shinsengumi.

I was always thinking _when_ I would go back and not _if _I go back. I didn't know when it could happen but I had no doubt I'd return as soon as Hijikata-san would allow it. To make things happen faster, I was really working hard on befriending Ito and his brother, Miki. I was going out with them in Gion, sometimes Shimabara, everytime I had a chance. Toudou was also going everytime he could and was drinking way to much. I wondered if it was to party or to forget. Toudou's eyes had lost the light that was always burning in his eyes. He was walking like a wooden doll, doing things only because he didn't need to think about them to put his body in motion. He looked already dead. And I supposed my eyes were expressing exactly the same thing.

We were out in Gion that night with Ito, Toudou and Miki, and the latter was so drunk he was starting to be very talkative, which wasn't a problem for me. I was glad to be an attentive ear to him and gather the more informations that I could.

« So glad we finally got away from these bunch of shogunate puppets. Mibu wolves... more like Bakufu dogs ! Come on Shinsengumi, bring back the stick ! Attack ! Good boy ! » he laughed and we laughed with him except Toudou who kept drinking his sake, staring vacantly into space.

« Ora Heisuke-kun ! Are you alright ? » asked Ito with a smile.

Toudou didn't answer and instead, collapsed on the table, drunk as hell.

« Don't mind him » I said « he just drank too much. »

« If you don't know how to drink, just don't... » muttered Miki, disapprovingly. « Anyway, I'm glad Takeda went away before we did. It really gave us an opportunity to quit on a silver plate ! » he laughed again. « All these bums and their "code of conduct" that no one even respects... That's just pitiful. »

« It's mostly the sight of Sannan and the Rasetsu that gave us that opportunity » corrected Ito with a foxy smile « but to be fair, I knew since the beginning that Sannan was still alive and I just didn't have any proofs. That was the real silver plate. Takeda has been working for us anyway. »

« Smart. » I said with a smile to encourage them to continue.

« You knew he wasn't dead, right ? » said Ito, turning to me.

« I did. »

There was no point in lying to Ito. That would have made him suspicious anyway.

« And you didn't tell anyone. But you chose to join us in the end... I don't really understand you, Saito-kun... » he added, still with his foxy smile.

« I was a captain of the Shinsengumi » I answered calmly « I was doing as the Shinsengumi told me to. » I took a sip of sake before continuing « Now, I'm a Guardian. I have no reason to protect the secrets of the Shinsengumi anymore. »

« So much coldness... » chuckled Ito.

He poured me back more sake and I thanked him, sipping the sweet alcohol that was bringing a comforting heat in my chest before disappearing.

« They were loosers anyway... » continued Miki « they never realized that Takeda fled with intels. »

If Takeda really did, then it was true we saw nothing. Or if someone did, I haven't been in the confidence.

« Takeda's in Izumo. » I said as if I didn't care.

« He's coming back. » laughed Miki « with the... »

« Miki ! » said Ito and he stopped talking « No need to bother Saito-kun with all this. »

I nodded to acknowledge that I understood it was a classified information. I would have to be extra careful to go to the bottom of this without awakening Ito's suspicions.

« Anyway... Glad we're away. » finished Miki. « From these pricks, their hypocrisy, their stupid code no one respects, their blindness... Hijikata's little page bitch... » he chuckled and Ito joined him.

« Yukimura ? » I asked, feigning disinterest.

« Yeah, that bitch. Isn't it funny ? They're like no personal dispute allowed but Okita swings his sword to anyone. No strolling after the curfew but Harada and Nagakura are in Shimabara all night. No girls in the compound but Hijikata's whore is sleeping in the Shinsengumi's sheets every night. Guess the code doesn't apply to captains. »

Ito resumed chuckling and I tried my best to stay impassive and not put my katana through both their neck for calling Chizuru a whore.

« Is that so ? » I asked « I never realized she was a girl. »

« Well you may be the only one, Saito-kun. » chuckled Ito « Men talk a lot about her and the reason she's here and for a lot of them, they're only one explanation : she's Hijikata's mistress. Otherwise, whe would she be his page ? »

« Hijikata's acting honorable all the time but he hides his whore under a hakama to keep her near. » continued Miki « I heard that when she joined, she was fourteen. He must have something for little girls. Must be easier to impress since it looks like commanding is the thing that turns him on. I'm pretty sure he's ordaining her to call him commander when he fucks her. »

They both exploded in laughter and my blood was boiling under my impassive mask. How dared they be so unrespectful to Chizuru and to Hijikata-san ?! Hijikata-san was one of the warriors I respected the most. I even chose him and his ideal over the woman I loved. The one that they were now calling a whore, unpunished. I wanted to kill them here and now, see their headless bodies collapse on the table and bring their heads back to Hijikata-san and Chizuru so that they could apologize with their life.

« You don't think it's funny, Saito-kun ? » asked Ito, still with his wry smile.

If it was up to me, I would cut that stupid smile from ear to ear. Now, that would be something satisfying.

« If you're right and Yukimura's a woman and Hijikata's mistress, into the bargain, then it only reinforces my opinion that quitting the Shinsengumi was the adequate choice for my person. » I said in my emotionless voice.

They both laughed again and raised their cup to drink to the Guardians of the Imperial tomb. I drank my cup with them, regretting my high tolerance to alcohol. I would have given everything I had to collapse on the table and forget, like Toudou.


	6. Whisky

« That's such a glum face... Who's dead ? » she asked me when she entered the room.

_Me._

I went to see Yuki again. I didn't know what else to do. If I were to stay with the Guardians all the time, I feared I would loose my patience at some point and kill someone.

« Any problem with Yukimura ? » she asked with a small smile, compassionate.

« I left her. » I said without emotions.

« Intentionally or not ? Because you look like you're coming from a funeral. »

« Intentionally. » I answered.

« She cheated on you ? » she asked, visibly in the mood for gossips. Unfortunately, I wasn't.

« Yuki, I come to you to get entertainment, not be questionned. »

« Okay ! Okay ! » she said, lifting her hands in the air in surrender « what do you want, Saito-han ? »

« A drink. A strong one. » I answered, looking at the window through the bars.

« And you're gonna tell me you don't have any problems... » I heard her mutter as she exited the room to go get a bottle.

I ignored her and she returned shortly with a bottle of alcohol. It was amber and I had never seen anything like it before.

« What is this ? » I asked, perplexed.

« Aha ! I knew I would pique your curiosity with this one ! » she laughed « It's a very rich client who brought the bottle to me and I hid it so that the pleasure house wouldn't take it away from me. He told me it's western and they call it whisky ! »

She handed me the bottle and I sniffed it. My nose got instantly numb by the strength of the alcohol.

« That must be expensive... » I said, handing her back the bottle.

« As I said, the pleasure house doesn't even know I have this bottle. Tonight, drinks are on me. Let's drink to love and freedom, these things that we aspire to and that are avoiding us so much ! »

I escaped a small bark of laughter. Seeing Yuki was always so refreshing. She was always so joyful in her own unique way that it was like a ray of light in the blur that was my everyday life. Of course, it couldn't compare to Chizuru who was transforming everyday into spring but it was better than nothing in my life as a Guardian.

She served me a cup and took one too. I was a bit surprised. Normally, oirans were supposed to serve the customers, not drink with them. I had been here countless times and I had always drank alone.

« Is this reasonable ? » I asked her, looking at her cup.

« It's my bottle. I'm not gonna let you drain MY bottle without getting a chance to taste it. » she said with a wry smile, lifting her cup in the air « Kampai, Saito-han ! »

« Kampai. » I replied, taking the cup to my lips with her.

It was the strongest thing I ever tasted and it burned my trachea on its way down. I saw Yuki's face become red under her white foundation and heavy makeup and she started coughing heavily.

« Okay... You can have my cup Saito-han ! » she said, handing it to me.

« What about love and freedom ? » I asked with a smirk, taking her cup that was still half full.

« To hell with that. It's not like we're gonna get them anyway. » she answered, tongue out because of the bitterness of the whisky.

« A cursing oiran... And I thought this was a respected institution... »

« If you prefer, I can put on my perfect oiran mask instead of being my actual self. » she said and her face became impassive.

She sat in seiza, hands on her thighs and back straight with her expressionless face. Her gaze was aimed at the ground in a submissive way.

« How would you like to be entertained tonight, Saito-han ? » she asked politely, bowing to her customer.

She really looked like a different person and she reminded me of the first time I came here to get intels on the Choshu moves. She had been the oiran dancing for me and filling my cup and I had been totally inconsiderate of her.

« What are you thinking about ? » she asked me, her foxy smile back.

« Our first encounter. » I answered, sipping the whisky.

After the surprise and the burn of the first cup, I was starting to drink slower and appreciate the flavors of this new alcohol.

« That's cute. » she said, chuckling while refilling my cup « I remember it too. I had been scolded a lot that night for making a customer flee. I was glad you came back afterwards to prove them wrong. »

I swallowed that cup too and she got closer to me to fill my cup again. She rested her hand on my thigh as she whispered in my ear.

« And I was also glad for all the times you came visiting me afterwards »

I didn't have the time to say anything before her mouth landed on mine, working gently against my lips as her grip became more insistent on my thigh. She tasted the whisky but also something else, a lot sweeter. It had been so long that I almost forgot the taste of her lips. Mines responded immediately, working on hers in a slow motion and she shifted her body to come on my lap, knees parted by my body. She removed my scarf, still kissing me, and her kiss grew deeper when she slid her hand inside my kimono, caressing my chest. This contact was electrifying and I craved it so much it almost ached. I caught her hand and parted from her lips.

« What's the matter ? » she asked, confused and maybe a little annoyed « you told me yourself that you have no woman anymore. Let me give you a bit of confort »

« I can't. I'm sorry. » I answered.

« So sad... Do you know how hard it is to find a decent lover when everyone that comes to you is paying for it ? I've been missing you a lot... » she told me with humour.

She stayed on my lap and her hand that was on my thigh came caressing my cheek as she plunged her gaze into mine, searching for an answer to a question she knew I wouldn't give by words. I grabbed her second hand and put them both on her thigh, asking her silently to move from there. In my head and heart, the alcohol was starting to make its office and I knew that keeping her so close in my current state would be dangerous to my faithfulness to Chizuru. Alcohol had never been a problem for me but this one was particularly strong.

She eventually moved and sat next to me, an understanding smile on her lips. I knew that she already had figured out that I was still in love with Chizuru but she was considerate enough not to ask questions and I was glad for that.

« How strong is this ? » I asked her, starting to feel dizzy.

« The client told me that one cup was equivalent to four or five cups of sake. » she said, thinking.

_Alright... So I had 5 cups... So between 20 ans 25 cups of sake. No wonder I'm starting to feel strange. I have a high resistance to sake but this was stronger and also different. It is only logical that my resilience isn't the same. _

« I think I had enough. » I said and she laughed.

« Oh ! Have I finally found you limit ? » She asked with a wry smile.

« I'm still not defeated. » I answered, returning her smile.

« Too bad. Here goes my brilliant plan of abusing you while you're drunk. »

I smiled again, knowing that this was a pleasantry. She was like a female Souji, always teasing. I remembered Souji's words when I quitted the Shinsengumi.

_I will be there to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. If you take another step, that means you're okay with it. _

Would he really do it ? Or was it a way to provoke me ? I had no way of knowing it and I didn't know what I prefered anyway. A happy Chizuru in Souji's arms or a sad Chizuru waiting for my return ?

« Oh... The glum look is back... » she said.

I kept my eyes on my cup and felt her hands pulling me back. My body a bit numb due to the alcohol let her and I found myself lying back, head on her lap. She passed her hand in my hair and massaged it gently.

« Here, I can give you at least this confort. » she said with a warm smile that was so different from the irony usually drawing on her lips.

I closed my eyes and let her fingers run through my hair. Her thighs were warm and her kimono so soft... Maybe she was right and that was what I needed right now. I opened them slowly and saw her big chestnut eyes above me, the rest starting to be a bit blurry because of the drunkenness.

« Chizuru... » I whispered and I saw her smile before closing my eyes again, drifting away.


	7. Ninja

« How long have I slept ? » I asked Yuki when I woke up, head still resting on her lap.

« Not long, about half an hour maybe. » she answered, brushing the hair out of my face so she could see my eyes.

« I shall get going. » I simply said, getting up.

I arranged my hair and my kimono which hadn't been opened but had loosened a bit during my sleep and Yuki bowed to me.

« My lap would be honored to bring you confort again, Saito-han. » she said with a wry smile.

I nodded and exited the room. Half an hour of sleep had been enough for me to get rid of the dizziness induced by the whisky.

I got back to the Guardian's headquarters, walking at a slow pace. The night was pleasant, not too hot, and the stars were filling the cloudless sky. When I finally arrived to my room, I entered and put my scarf and katana away before saluting my guest.

« Yamazaki. »

The ninja stepped out of the shadows and we bowed to each other.

« Saito. I'm glad to see you well. » he greeted me. « Have you discovered anything of importance ? »

« Not much. I learned that Takeda had been working for Ito before his departure. He's coming back with intels and something else but I couldn't know what. I'm still working on that part. »

« I will transmit this information to the commander and do my own investigation about what could be missing. If he indeed is a traitor, we'll have the Aizu-han put an official bounty on his head and we'll go after him. »

« If I get any more informations, I'll get them to you as soon as possible. » I added.

The ninja nodded and I knew he was going to go already.

« Is everyone alright ? » I asked.

« Exception made of Souji, yes. » he paused « do you want some news of Yukimura ? »

I escaped a small laugh before answering.

« Is it really that obvious ? »

« I am the Watch, Saito. It's my duty to know these sort of things. » he answered calmly « but I never judged that this information was worth sharing with anyone. Your secret's safe. »

I nodded to the ninja, thanking him silently for his discretion and wondering for how long already did he knew. Souji, now Yamazaki... In the end, maybe I was going to learn everyone at the compound was aware of our relationship, just like everyone pretended not to know that Chizuru was a woman.

« Tell me. » I said as I sat down.

« She's fine. She's still reading a lot and she is spending more time with Okita who seems to be willing to make some efforts when she's the one taking care of him. I know she misses you and Heisuke a lot but she helds her head high. I already heard her cry at night though... »

« Tell her... »

« I can't deliver any message to her, Saito. I'm not supposed to have any contact with you. »

« Understood. » I said, nodding.

At least, I could have some news from her. That was the most important part. I was glad to learn that she was still going on with her life although I couldn't help to feel jealousy at the idea of her taking care of Souji.

_I will be here to pick up the pieces of her broken heart._

I shook my head, trying to get rid of Souji's words swirling in my head. The ninja kept silent before opening his mouth again.

« Saito... About Yukimura... »

« What about her ? » I asked

« No... Nothing... Just, she misses you. I hope your mission won't last too long... » he answered, uncomfortable.

« It is also my wish. » I replied in a low voice.

We kept silent again as if there were so much questions and answers in the air that we didn't know which one to ask.

« Is she wearing my sword ? » I asked eventually.

« Your wakizashi ? Of course not. How would she explain it ? But she keeps it in her room. »

« She's supposed to oil it. » I said « next month. »

Yamazaki chuckled, well I supposed he did since I couldn't see his mouth behind his ninja mask. I smiled too. To the ninja's eyes, the oiling of my blade should probably be the least of my worries but I knew Chizuru and I knew how forgetful she was of taking care of her own kodachi twice a year so I had no doubt she would forget about my wakizashi as well. With the summer and Kyoto's weather, imagining my wakizashi rusting everytime I would take care of my katana would drive me crazy.

« I will try to subtly make her think about it. » answered the ninja.

« Thank you. » I said and we bowed to each other before he went away.

I stayed in my room silently, gaze fixed on the ceiling before deciding to get on a nocturnal walk. The Guardian's weren't as strict as the Shinsengumi about curfew, girls... but I kept my guard up. It could be a way to make us feel more free to do what we want and spy on us. I knew that Ito wasn't totally trusting me already and I wouldn't be surprised to learn that I had a spy in my unit. It would only be logical. If I were into Ito's shoes, I would do exactly the same.

As I passed near Ito's room though, I noticed the light was on and I could decipher two silhouettes inside, in great conversation. I went in the shadows to get closer and get a chance to overhear.

« Why did you choose to bring Heisuke with us ? » asked Miki « He's totally amorphous since he's been there... Saito's at least taking the job seriously. »

« Heisuke-kun will be useful in time. And his loyalty isn't even questionable. He knew what I was planning and didn't tell anyone. He's a true Imperialist. » answered Ito.

« Maybe but he's like a shadow. He's drunk most of nights and don't even seem to enjoy anything. I bought a girl and made it deliver to his bedroom as a welcome gift and he just sent her away... »

« I knew that the choice wouldn't be easy for him. He left a lot of comrades behind in order to join my ideal. Give him some time, he'll soon recover. »

So it looked like Toudou had really followed Ito by political beliefs, then. I guess I really was on my own for this mission after all. I heard the sound of a letter being opened and the voices got silent for a moment.

« Takeda should be arriving this morning. »

I recognized Ito's voice and got closer since they were now whispering.

« Is he bringing it ? » asked Miki.

« He hasn't told me in his letter but I suppose he wouldn't come all the way from Izumo without bringing at least something. My bet is that he left the researchs to Izumo to serve him as life insurance and he's only bringing the serum. »

« Are you going to test it ? »

« I would be a fool not to. According to Takeda, this medecine healed Sannan's arm completely and enhanced his physical abilities. »

_Ochimizu. That's what Takeda had robbed to the Shinsengumi. _

I heard enough and Yamazaki was of course nowhere to be seen. Having something as powerful as the Ochimizu into Ito's hands would be a disaster and the time was short. According to the planning, my rounds would start in the afternoon. I had to take the chance even if the odds were against me. My absence would probably be noticed along with Takeda's but letting Ito get the serum would be even worse than blowing my cover.


	8. Traitor

I stayed in the shadows and exited the headquarters of the Guardians of the imperial tomb. I still had a few hours before morning but morning could mean anytime before noon. If Takeda was coming from Izumo, he'd be coming from the south gate of Kyoto so that was my strategical checkpoint. He would have to cross the Zenitori bridge to get to Fushimi and that was perfect for me. On the bridge, the view will be unobstructed and he would have nowhere to flee.

I positioned myself at the entrance of Fushimi, with a clear view on the Zenitori Bridge and I waited for Takeda. I had no doubt that even if he were to pass at a very crowded time, I would notice quite easily his height and long auburn hair.

The hours passed and the sun rose. I hoped that no Guardians had noticed my absence already. Kyoto woke up little by little and the streets started buzzing with activity. I wasn't loosing sight of the bridge, ignoring the buoyant city around me. Unfortunately, Takeda didn't decide to show up early and the witnesses were becoming more numerous. I tossed a coin to a beggar kid.

« Inform me if you see a long auburn haired samurai. »

He nodded and I entered a shop to buy a yukata. I chose a red one with a very vivid color to be sure that it would be what the witness would remember of me.

« May I borrow a brush ? » I asked the owner and he lent me one. I pretended to write something on a paper before asking him « could you grab me this fabric on the top, please ? »

The merchant obeyed immediately and while he wasn't looking, I opened my scarf and drew the word « Love » on my neck before putting my scarf back in place. Nothing better than a tattoo to make people remember you. The owner back, I rolled the paper in my sleeve and gave him back his brush.

« No.. That won't do... I'll only take the Yukata, thanks. » I said, giving him some coins.

I went to a back alley and hid my clothes in a basket before putting on the red Yukata. I untied my ponytail and let my hair flow freely on my shoulders. Ready, I came back to the bridge.

The beggar had seen no one and I hoped he was telling the truth so I kept waiting. Luckily, after about an hour, my prayers were answered. I saw him arrive with this arrogant smile he always had. I started walking towards the bridge and I informed the people.

« You all don't go on that bridge if you do not want to be caught between my blade and this man. As soon as my business with him is over, the passage would be opened again. »

It was sad to say, but the people of Kyoto were totally familiar with these kinds of altercations and so, I was able to get on the bridge alone. Takeda noticed me and his eyes widened in fear.

« You ?! »

I didn't leave him the time to say another word. I started running towards him and I saw him unsheathe his blade but he was too slow. Takeda never had the talent of the other captains in matter of swordsmanship, his real talent was his knowledge in military tactics but that wouldn't save him. In a swift movement, I unsheathed my katana and cut him from hip to shoulder. I encountered no resistance, nothing. His blade didn't even cross with mine. As I finished my movement, my face close to his ear as his body was already falling, I muttered more for myself than for him, the words I always said when I was coming after deserters.

« For deserting and betraying the Shinsengumi, I, Saito Hajime, captain of the third division of the Shinsengumi, sentence you to die. »

He was dead before hitting the ground and I kneeled to search his kimono for anything that he could carry. Ito was right, the researchs weren't there but I found the vial of crimson liquid. I hid it in my sleeve and went back to the little beggar under scared gaze and gave him another coin.

« Do you want more ? » I asked him and he nodded. « Good. Tell Hijikata-san of the Shinsengumi that the fields of Izumo grow crimson flowers. He'll give you a coin for it. Go. »

He ran and I looked at him, knowing he will do his duty, just as I did mine.

« Shinsengumi ! » I heard Nagakura yell « what is happening here ?! »

_Shit. I have to hide._

I went into the back alley where my clothes were and grabbed the basket. It was too risky to change there. I ascended the nearest house and started walking silently on the roof, hoping Nagakura and his unit wouldn't lift their gaze. My yukata was really too flashy to be unseen. When I estimated that I was far enough, I got rid of my yukata, put my black kimono back on and attached my hair in a ponytail before getting back to the headquarters. I wasn't close to the river so I didn't get rid of the tattoo but I put my scarf over and it was sufficient to hide it. I walked peacefully back to the compound of the Guardians but I was stopped as soon as I entered.

« Oye Saito ! Where were you ? » asked Miki when he saw me.

« Shimabara. » I answered coldly.

« Really ? For what purpose ? » he asked, suspicious.

« Do I really have to explain it to you ? »

We looked at each other for a moment, gauging the other. As usual, he came very close to use his natural height to look down on me. I wasn't impressed. Just like always, he was using his height to dominate me because he couldn't do it any other way. It was pathetic.

« That's late for coming from Shimabara... Brothels are closed at this hour. »

« I paid an oiran for the night. High quality pleasure houses are more flexible than brothels. » I lied with calm.

Miki opened his eyes in surprise.

« Where can you get the money to buy an oiran for an entiere night ? » he asked in disbelief.

I plunged my gaze into his. Even if I was looking up on him, my eyes were so cold and threatening that he instinctively took a step back.

_Who's dominating who, now Miki ?_

« Assassinations. It pays. » I answered before walking to my room.

_One day, you'll be next. And the fox you take for your brother will join you soon enough. _

I didn't look back on Miki. I knew I'd won that duel.


	9. Spied

June 1867

« They're still there ? »

I was looking by the window of Yuki's room to see the two spies that were waiting for me outside. They were two members of my new unit and had been following me for nearly a month.

Takeda's assassination had been known and I was the principal suspect amongst the Guardians. Even if the culprit had a red yukata and the word « love » tattooed on his neck, there were a few details pointing at me. First, I was absent from the headquarters when it happened and second, the mysterious killer was only wearing one sword and on his right side, I might add. I expected the color of my yukata to mark the minds of the witnesses better than that but that was the risk with assassinations in broad daylight. I had been questioned but I feigned ignorance and now, I had those two glued to me for weeks.

I hadn't seen Yamazaki since the night before Takeda's death. He got my message and was probably gone, cleaning the mess in Izumo. And if he returned, he probably figured out that it wasn't a very bright idea to come talk to me while I was tailed. Anyway, it wasn't a problem for me since I didn't have any important information to share.

« Why aren't you telling me ? »

I turned to Yuki to see her arms crossed and a pout on her face.

« Why do you care ? It's not like they're after you anyway. »

« I think it's exciting ! » she chuckled.

« That's because you're not followed around everyday. » I replied, sipping my tea.

She looked at me for a while and drank in her cup too.

« I'm really not getting accustomed to you drinking tea... » she eventually said, pensive.

Since the whisky last time and how I almost had sex with Yuki, I decided not to drink alcohol anymore in her presence, even sake. She really was a very desirable woman and I knew she wouldn't stop me if I wanted to be unfaithful, she would even encourage me. That's why I needed to keep my mind clear.

« I was tired of drinking alone. »

« Aaah, Saito-han.. We both know that's not true... » she said with a smirk.

I didn't answer and kept sipping my tea, my eyes always getting back to the window to see these two idiots outside, waiting. They weren't even talented spy. I had been aware of their presence since the beginning. It was pathetic.

« Why are they tailing you ? » she asked me, curious.

« Because they've been ordered to. »

« Why have they been ordered to ? »

« They believe I killed someone. »

« Did you ? »

« I killed a lot of men. But not that one. » I lied.

It wasn't that I didn't trust Yuki. It was that I didn't trust anyone when it was coming to this sort of things. That information wasn't necessary for her therefore I could lie to protect it. It was enough that the witnesses could remember that the killer was left handed. I didn't need anyone to come and question an oiran. And if they did, she would genuinely claim my innocence.

« Then they will stop at some point. » she said with a smile.

« I hope so. They're terrible spies. » I commented.

We stayed silent for a moment, looking at these two idiots before Yuki let out a sigh and fetched two bags of stones.

« Since we're gonna drink tea like old people, I figured we could play like old people as well. » she told me, handing me a bag and bringing the Go table to the center of the room.

« I don't think Go is for old people. » I objected with a frown.

« In this house, it is. » she chuckled « I'm sorry to inform you that the only customers drinking tea and playing Go here are the ones too old or too weak to get it up. »

Her insolence drew a smile on my face. That was clearly a personal attack.

« Are you trying to taint my honor, woman ? » I asked her.

« Are you ready to settle this on a battlefield, warrior ? » she answered, positioning herself at the other side of the go grid.

I didn't answer but joined her and I opened the bag she gave me. I had the white stones therefore, she had to start. She put her first stone on the grid and the game started. The silence surrounded us, only broken by the little « clack » of the stones everytime they were played. Yuki's face wasn't expressing anything but concentration. She wasn't even looking at me, keeping her eyes focused on the game as if she was playing her life. She was good. Very good. And I was rusty.

Playing with her brought back childhood memories from a time when I was called Jirô, the second son. I played go a lot as a child with my brother Hiroaki and my sister Katsu. My parents always encouraged me into these kind of hobbies, telling me that it was sharpening the mind and that a swordman without brain, even if talented, would always loose to the smart one. I think I was good back then. I often won to my older brother and even to my father. They were very proud of me at that time... Before I disappointed them in the dojo, unable to wield a shinai properly... and then the incident and my escape.

After that, I didn't have time to play go anymore. My whole energy was consumed only to survive. I've been from dojo to dojo, under the name of Saito, and was kicked out every time for being left-handed or beating someone I shouldn't have beaten. And it went on until I joined the Sheikan Hall of Kondou-san. He took me in without questions, even if I was an outcast, even if I was left-handed and even if I beat him. He offered me a place to stay, food to eat and brothers to live with. He shared his dreams with me and his dreams became mines. Unlike me, Kondou-san wasn't born a samurai. He was the son of a farmer but still, he worked so hard he became the heir of the Tennen Rishin Ryu and was teaching it to actual samurai. Hijikata-san too was born a commoner. I wanted to be the one that would make them ascend to greatness, to recognition. I wanted the world to see that these men born of low extraction were truer samurai than most of those who were warriors by birthright.

When they departed to Kyoto with the Rōshigumi, I didn't hesitate before joining them. Neither of us did. I didn't join on day one, having some personal matter to take care of, but I never questioned that I would join them eventually. Now Kondou-san was the commander of the Shinsengumi, one step closer to his dream. And I was still in his shadow, trying to get him and Hijikata-san higher at each step. I never lied to them. I truly lived for the Shinsengumi.

« You're not focused. » scolded Yuki, capturing another one of my stones.

The game really took a turn with her move and I could already figure out the outcome of that duel.

« You won. » I said.

« Not yet. »

« It's a matter of time. There is nothing I can do to get me out of this situation. » I muttered, eyeing every part of the grid to find a way to reverse the odds.

« True. You're slowly agonizing. » she chuckled.

_Just like in my life as a Guardian. _

« I think if I had been born a man, I would have been a decent warlord ! What do you think ? » she asked me with her foxy smile.

« A warlord ? Really ? » I smirked, removing my stones off the game.

« Yeah ! Like commanding armies, high on my horse, with generals obeying me. I'm not bad at strategy. » she goaded.

I tried to picture Yuki in armor, on a horse, on a battlefield, barking orders to move her troops. That would be something entertaining.

« You think I couldn't ? » she said with a pout.

« I'm sure even Oda Nobunaga would have been scared of you. »

« Maybe I could have been called Demon Queen of the Sixth Heaven » she bragged « but i'm not even a queen in my own house. » she sighed.

« Who's the Tayuu here ? » I asked. « I've never been introduced to her. »

« It's Wakako. » she answered « although I don't know if she will stay Tayuu very long. Shizuka is gaining in popularity and Wakako is getting older. She's almost 25. »

True that 25 was starting to be then end for a Tayuu. After this point, their beauty would only decay. If I recalled, Yuki was a year older than me which meant she was 24. At that age, being the cheapest showed that she would never have a real career as an oiran. Well, being an oiran was already a career but she would never be Tayuu and choose her clients. Her price would begin to get lower and lower as her age becomes higher and she would never have the chance to repay her debt and buy her freedom. She would be an oiran until she would be too old to be presented to men and then, she'd take care of other girls, younger, who would take her place.

« Hey ! » she called me, her foxy smile back « since I won, what's my reward ? »

« I don't think we played with bets. » I answered in my toneless voice.

« Come on ! I won ! And I want... » she started thinking and I waited, hoping she wouldn't ask for something I couldn't give her. « I know ! I want some Yatsuhashi ! » she chuckled « could you bring some next time ? »

Relief invade my heart and I chuckled nervously. She really was unpredictable.

« Alright. » I just said, standing up.

The encense was consumed anyway and it was time for me to go or pay for more time. I looked at the window and saw the two men still waiting for me and I sighed. The next days were going to be long days. Just like the days before them.


	10. Fever

July 1867

After two months, the spies finally let me be and I was glad to get a bit of privacy. They got nothing on me anyway. My only occupations were obeying orders, going out with Ito and Miki and going to see Yuki. The Guardians were joking a lot about it, saying that I fell in love with an oiran and that soon, I wouldn't have anything left but my clothes and sword. I let them talk. It wasn't concerning me anyway and I didn't care that my « relationship » with Yuki was public. It could even help me in the future.

Since the spies weren't tailing me anymore, I had the pleasant surprise to find a familiar face waiting for me in my room that night. Yamazaki was back from Izumo.

« Thanks for your service, Saito. » he told me with respect « your quick reaction really saved us some trouble. »

« I only did what was expected of me. » I replied, pulling out the crimson vial I had been hiding in my obi for two long months. « What about the reseachs ? »

« I personally went to be sure everything was destroyed or brought back if it could be »

I understood very well what that meant. Takeda's family was probably dead if they knew about the serum. He shouldn't have told them if he wanted to protect them. Ignorance was bliss. I handed him the vial and he put it in his sleeve, nodding. He was ready to go but I felt him hesitate. There was something in the air, in his eyes. Something I should know.

« What is it ? » I told him with a cold voice.

I was using the same tone that when I wanted to get informations and the ninja noticed it. We already worked together countless times and he knew that when I had found something, I wouldn't let go of the bone until I get all the informations I want.

« Saito... I shouldn't tell you this... But Yukimura is unwell. » he eventually said.

« What do you mean, unwell ? »

« She... had fever since a few days. She's still having it and... » he sighed and marked a pause « Shimada and myself are on mission tonight. I hope we won't have the visit of an imperialist spy in the headquarters. Someone who knows how to use the shadows could easily enter the compound unseen. »

I nodded. Giving me that information was a way of telling me that I had his permission to visit Chizuru. And I would not miss that occasion, specifically if she was unwell.

« Saito. Just keep in mind that... I tried, alright ? » he told me.

« Tried what ? » I asked but he went away in a blink and I wasn't even sure he heard my question.

Was she really that unwell ? Was the fever killing her ? Or was he speaking about something else ? Maybe he tried to have me back in the Shinsengumi but now wasn't the time.

It already was the middle of the night so I didn't waste any more time. I exited the headquarters and took the direction of the new Shinsengumi headquarters. After the attack on Chizuru, they were kicked out the Nishi-Honganji by the monks but Matsudaira Katamori, the military commissioner and daimyo of Aizu, gave them a land to build new headquarters. The problem was that I wasn't familiar with this new building and it could take me some time to find Chizuru's room. I walked silently, staying in the shadows until I approached a specific door and heard a voice.

« I knew you'd come. »

I turned my head to find myself in front of Souji, his blade unsheathed.

« Souji... »

« Imperialists aren't welcome here. Sentence for breaking in is death. » he told me coldly, taking his fighting stance « are you ready ? »

« Souji, let me see her. »

« She has no business with imperialists. Especially betrayers. » he took a step forward, keeping his guard up « In memory of our friendship, if you turn around now, I'll let you go this time. »

I turned around to face him completely, gauging him with my icy gaze. My hand got on my katana, ready.

« You already know I can't do that. »

We stayed that way a moment. The tension in the air was palpable. Souji and I had often dueled in the past, for fun, for bets or simply to let out some steam because we were mad at each other. But never had we fought to kill before. We knew each other by heart and he already figured out that I wouldn't draw my sword before he attacks. As for me... As unworthy as it could be, I was counting on his illness to win. If I could tire him enough for the cough to take him, the victory would be assured and, I hoped, without killing him.

Souji finally attacked, aiming for my legs and I unsheathed my katana to dodge and counterattack. The noise of the blades hitting each other invade the compound and I knew I would have to make it quick if I didn't want to wake everyone up. Fortunately, Souji gave me an opening and I took it. My blade landed on his neck, stopping before his skin.

« I do not want to fight you. I just want to see her and I will go. » I said to him.

I knew that my quick victory was only due to his physical decay. Months ago, I would never had been able to win that easily.

« You left her. Now you want to see her ? » said Souji, gritting his teeth. « Can you just imagine what she's been through ?! Can you imagine how lost she was ?! What she endured ?! Alone ?! »

I kept my blade on his neck, looking at him in the eyes. Did he really try to replace me in Chizuru's heart ?

« Are you involved with her ? » I asked, throat dry but still hiding my emotions under my toneless voice.

« Of course not ! How could I ? » something passed in his gaze « Why do you want to see her ? »

« I heard she's unwell. A fever. » I explained and I saw his expression soften.

The subtle changes in his gaze and posture made me confident enough to lower my blade, knowing that we could come to an understanding.

« Unwell... Well, what an understatement... » he muttered with a sad smile.

« Is it really that bad ? » I asked him.

His reaction was already pointing at it but I couldn't stop myself from asking. If Chizuru were to die... I couldn't even imagine it.

« She will recover. Her days aren't in danger anymore. Yamazaki has attended to her with eastern medecine. »

I was relieved but still, he wouldn't budge. I was starting to think that maybe, I'd have to draw my sword again.

« May I see her, Souji ? » I asked again.

« Okay. » he said « Follow me. »

He led me a bit further and showed me a closed shoji. I nodded and took a step forward, putting my hand on the wood panel.

« Hajime-kun. » said Souji and I turned to him, stopping my movement « I'll wait for you outside. Take the time you need. »

« Thank you, Souji. » I told him and I opened the shoji, sliding myself inside Chizuru's room.


	11. Lost

The room was plunged in the dark and I lit the light to see her. She was asleep, lying on her futon, muttering inarticulate words in her sleep. I sat next to her and passed my hand on her forehead. It was really hot. The fever was strong. Her sweaty face was expressing a myriad of emotions as she was gritting her teeths, squeezing her eyes, relaxing, smiling, panting. She just couldn't stop moving and I knew she was fighting the sickness the better she could.

My hand on her forehead caressed her gently, from the top of her hair to her cheek, pink with heat. I missed her so much. The sweat was filling the air with the scent of spices but there was also something else, something strange. The spices were so strong and heady that I couldn't figure out what the other scent was but I knew this smell. I knew it very well.

I passed my hand in her messy sweaty hair. I wanted her to keep sleeping and fight the desease but at the same time, I wanted her to wake up and see me. I wanted to tell her how I loved her, how I missed her and I wanted her to see that I came back for her, just like I promised, even if it was just for a few hours.

There was a bucket and a towel near her bed so I drenched it with water and put it on her forehead to cool it down. I had no medical background and therefore, I was feeling totally helpless in front of her, not knowing what to do to ease the pain. My efforts got rewarded though when I heard her panting stop and her breath steady little by little to match a normal one. Her face too seemed to relax a bit and I stayed to watch her.

I saw that she was clinging onto something under the sheets and I opened her bedding a little to find both her hands holding firmly my wakizashi. The sight of my little warrior, clinging to my blade, fighting a battle she couldn't win by sword drew a smile on my face. I got the blade out of the scabbard, just a little, to see with content that she oiled it properly. One by one, I removed her fingers off the scabbard she was clutching so hard. Holding onto it like she was indeed was cute, and a delicate attention, but in her current state, I wouldn't like her to hurt herself with it.

I put the sword near me and reported my attention on the towel on her forehead. It was already hot. I took it off to soak it with fresh water again and when I put it back on her, my arm got caught by her hand. It wasn't a tight grip, her condition wasn't allowing it. It was a light touch, like a feather caressing my arm. She opened her eyes, still hazel but blurry, not sparkling as usual. I wasn't even sure she could see me before she opened her mouth.

« Am I dreaming ? »

Her voice was a whisper carrying sorrow and hope in confusion and I shook my head to deny. My arm slid against her hand to put the towel on her forehead and my palm, now free, joined hers.

« Are you really there ? » she asked, catching my palm and fingers with both her hands like she needed to reassure herself that I really was tangible.

« Ha. » I answered.

My throat was so dry I couldn't say any more words. She was there, I could see her, touch her... I could mesure her pain and sorrow...

She coughed heavily and the towel fell from her forehead to the side. I picked it up but worried it could contain the desease, I looked for another one. There was a pile of clean ones a bit further and I get up to fetch them. Her hand caught my kimono with more strength than I expected from her.

« Don't go ! » she cried.

« I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to get you a clean towel. » I said.

She let me go and I went to the pile of towels. Not far from the clean ones, there was a basket filled with other cloths and that's when I finally recognized the scent that I knew by heart but couldn't find since it was so much covered by the spices of her sweat.

Blood. Death.

« Don't go... Don't go... I'm sorry... » she kept crying, eyes closed and tears rolling down her cheeks.

_So much blood... Did she try to take away her own life ? Maybe with my blade... Oh gods, never should I have left her with a weapon... _

« Chizuru... Are you hurt ? » I asked, gaze still locked on the bloody basket.

She didn't answer, still crying and repeating me not to go. The desease was confusing her mind and it would be hard to get her to explain. I was stunned. Chizuru was so strong... I often thought that maybe she was the strongest of the compound. But attenting her own life...

« I'm sorry... Don't go, I'm sorry... »

I picked a clean towel and wet it in the bucket to put it back on her forehead. She seemed to calm a little and she stopped apologizing after a while. Her breath became steadier and she opened her eyes once more.

« You're still there... » she said with a faint smile.

« I'm staying until you fall back asleep and I'll have to go. » I said to her, holding her hand « but I'll come back for you. I promised. »

« I lost it... » she whispered, eyes empty.

« What have you lost, Chizuru ? » I asked her.

Confusion invade her face once more and I saw tears forming in her eyes.

« The baby. »

My heart skipped a beat when I finally understood where all that blood was coming from. She was pregnant when I left. I left her alone, with child, without knowing if I'd return one day. How could I ? And no one told me... I was starting to feel nauseous. I had a child. A child. With Chizuru. And I didn't have it anymore. It was dead. That was too much informations for my head and I felt my brain pulsing painfully.

« I'm sorry... » she repeated again.

« Chizuru... » I started but I saw she was already drifting away, back to sleep.

When I was sure she was asleep, I let go of her hand and grabbed the wakizashi I left in her guard before exiting the bedroom. I needed some fresh air. My feet weren't assured and I nearly collapsed in the courtyard. There were so much knots in my stomach that I fell on my knees to vomit uncontrollably.

« She told you... » I heard Souji say.

« Was it mine ? » I asked.

« Whose could it be ? Of course it was yours... » he sighed, giving me a hand to get up. « Yamazaki and I did our best to hide it... Three months is still pretty easy to cover under a hakama. Yamazaki helped her with the nausea and attended to her with eastern medecine but his knowledge was limited. She needed a real doctor. We asked Toshi if we could send her to Osaka castle so she could learn medecine with Matsumoto-sensei. He agreed. She will go in a few days, when the fever is gone. »

« You're going to send her away alone after what happened ? » I asked in a harsh voice.

« It's not like we have much choice. Now that we asked for her transfer, we can't really pull it back. »

« How did she loose it ? » I asked, still in shock, « Did someone hurt her ? »

« I don't think so... It happens you know, well, that's what Yamazaki told me... It just wasn't strong enough and when she got the fever, her body decided to save itself instead of the little one... »

I nodded and started walking but Souji's voice stopped me again.

« Where are you going with that wakizashi ? »

« Isn't it obvious ? » I asked without turning to face him.

« If I recall, you left your honor for her to keep. You have no right to claim it back yourself. And I'm pretty sure she didn't give you permission. »

« Souji. I left her when she needed me the most. This is the right thing to do to make it up to her. »

« Yeah I'm sure she'll be thrilled by the idea of loosing the father just after loosing the baby. That's just what she needs. » he said playfully and his words hit me like a dagger planted in my heart.

I turned to Souji and he came forward, taking the wakizashi off my hand. I didn't offer any resistance.

« If you want to kill yourself, according to your promise, you'll have to ask her first. » he said « until then, this, is staying under her care. »

I nodded, knowing that he was right. My life was in Chizuru's hands and hers only.

« If you really want to make it up to her, I think the best choice would be to come back. » he added.

« I can't... » I said, turning my head away.

« I figured you'd say that. Do you at least have something to tell her when her mind won't be clouded again ? »

« Tell her... »

_Tell her I love her more than she can imagine. Tell her I never meant to leave her. Tell her I'm on mission but my heart is still with her and The Shinsengumi. Tell her she's the most precious thing that I have. Tell her that I am sorry that I wasn't there for her. Tell her I want to kill Ito and Miki everyday so I could get back to her faster. Tell her it wasn't her fault and that she has nothing to apologize for. Tell her not to be sad. It wasn't strong enough but we'll have stronger ones. Tell her that she will never have to endure it alone ever again. _

« Tell her I'll come back for her just like I promised. And... Tell her that I am sorry. »

Souji smiled. « I will deliver that message. Now go before I have to explain why I didn't kill an imperialist on the spot when he broke into the headquarters. »

I nodded to Souji, thanking him for everything he was doing for her and for me when the only thing that should be on his mind was his own illness. Without another word, I got away from the headquarters of the Shinsengumi to get back to being a Guardian.

When I finally was alone, for the first time in five years, a tear rolled on my cheek.


	12. Grief

Back at the Gessin In temple, I took off my katana from its scabbard and sliced the air rapidly, repeatedly. The sight of all the bloody cloths in the basket in Chizuru's room was haunting me. My son was in there. Or daughter. Would I have prefered a boy of a girl ? It didn't matter in the end, it was already dead before getting the chance to live.

« Ah ! Ah ! AAAH ! » I shouted with each one of my blows.

I didn't care about waking up the Guardians. I was feeling anger, even hatred, towards the world as its whole. Hatred for the Guardians who took me away from her. Hatred for Yamazaki who hid it from me. Hatred for the gods who claimed it back so soon. Even hatred for Souji who stopped me from killing myself, forbidding me to find peace in death and instead condemning me to the agony of grievance.

I was panting heavily. My voice was throaty and my blows became less controlled, more violent. I noticed I was crying, sensing the liquid roll on my cheeks and chin and drip on the ground. Never had I allowed myself to surrender that much to my emotions before but never had I felt so desperate before either. I wanted someone to walk on me. Anyone. Just to slice him open without warning. If Ito or Miki were to come to witness what was happening in the courtyard, they would be dead men without a second thought. There was no point on spying on them anyway. They were evil, corrupted. I would do the world a favor by removing them of it.

My body was starting to ache because of the violence I was putting in my cuts. But it still wasn't enough. I wanted the pain of my body to match the pain of my heart and that would require a lot more suffering. I always repeated my students that a tense body was a slow body but tonight, I was showing that I could keep all my rapidity even with all the tension inhabiting me.

My child in that basket. And Yamazaki... How many occasions did he have to tell me about it ?

_« Saito... About Yukimura... »_

_« What about her ? » _

_« No... Nothing... Just, she misses you. I hope your mission won't last too long... » _

Did he already know, back in may ? Was it what he hesitated to tell me ? I wanted to kill that damn ninja for it. Even if he had been the one attending to her. It should have been me. I should have been the one to support her during the nausea, to help her through. Maybe if I had been here, things would have been different. Maybe she wouldn't have pushed herself so hard that she had to fall ill and loose it. If I had been there... I would have made sure she had enough rest...

It was maddening. My head was full of « if » and « maybe ». I knew that I was just torturing myself. Everything I could think wouldn't have any impact on the outcome anyway. But I couldn't stop myself. I was feeling responsible for the loss of the child. It wasn't Chizuru's fault. She would have been the best mother in the world to this child. No, it was my fault. I knew it.

« AAAAAH ! » I screamed before collapsing of exhaustion.

My entiere body was sore, aching, and the air penetrating my lungs with each one of my gasps was feeling like burning lava. Still, It wasn't enough to ease the pain of my heart.

« Saito ? »

I lifted my gaze from the ground, icy, threatening, to meet Toudou's eyes. I probably had woken him up with all the ruckus. Normally, the type of glare I was sending him should have been enough to scare him away but instead, he took a step forward. I gritted my teeth.

_Do not even think about coming close, Toudou. _

The young man froze in place but concern was visibly painted on his face. His eyes widened in disbelief.

« Saito... Are you... crying ? » he said in surprise.

« Go away. » I whispered, ignoring his question.

« Are you hurt ? Do you need a doctor ? »

I stood up so fast that a normal eye would have had a hard time to see my movement and I cut through Toudou's abdomen. Well, I thought I did but his blade, unsheathed in a hurry, came to block my powerful blow. Toudou lost balance though and fell on his ass because of the violence of the attack. He wasn't prepared for it.

« Saito ! What the hell ?! Are you out of your mind ?! » he yelled, ass on the ground and my blade above his head.

I liked Toudou. I really liked him. He was the little brother of all of us, captains of the Shinsengumi. But in this instant, I was feeling so much hatred towards everything that I wanted to kill him. I think he saw it in my eyes because he didn't move and just looked... resigned. He closed his eyes and just waited for it. He knew he was no match for me anyway. My katana came closer to him before I slowly pulled it back, passing my hand on my face and in my hair in confusion.

« Pardon me, Toudou. I don't know what came over me. » I told him in my toneless voice, my composure back.

I sheathed back my sword and gave him a hand to stand up. He took it without an hesitation, figuring out that the storm was over already.

« Are you really okay, Saito ? » he said again.

« Just go, Toudou. Before I change my mind. » I silenced him.

He nodded, knowing that I wouldn't speak to him anyway if I wasn't willing to. He walked away back to his room and I took the direction of the bathroom to get myself rid of all the sweat on my skin. Cleaning myself and pouring buckets on my head actually helped with the pain in my heart, made it more peaceful. It was still there, lingering, but I could let it a bit aside for the moment and focus on the hot water.

I passed my hand on my aching arm, full of soap, and remembered the softness of Chizuru's skin when she was full of soap as well. It was like touching an eal, a silky eal. It was the first time I ever touched her, surrendering to my instincts, making love to her on the soaked wooden floor of the bathroom of the Nishi-Honganji and taking a bath with her afterwards. I remembered perfectly every minute of this moment... And the guilt I felt for dishonoring her, deciding not to touch her again. Of course, I've been unable to do so, but the guilt lasted a while. Then it faded away little by little and even eventually disappeared with every time I made love to her. Something so good, so pure as our love couldn't be sin, even if I didn't marry her. I guess the gods had a different opinion about that... Maybe all this was some kind of punishment...

I stayed in a bath several minutes, closing my eyes, head thrown backwards. I tried to empty my head and meditate. It wasn't easy in my current state but I had the volition to succeed and I took all the time necessary. When my mind was eased, ready to walk the path of the warrior again, I got out and wiped the water off my body before going to sleep, more relaxed.

The next day, I went early to the Sanjusangen-do temple to ask Kannon, goddess of compassion, for forgiveness. I also asked her to look after Chizuru and bless her until I get to be reunited with her again.


	13. Kids

August 1867

Yamazaki told me that Chizuru was brought to Osaka to study medecine with Matsumoto-sensei, just as planned. He tried to give me explanations but I silenced him with a glare. He had all the time to explain me before it happened. Explaining me after the events had no point. There was nothing to talk about now anyway. The child was dead and its mother would probably resent me for the rest of her life for letting her take the burden alone. I always lived my life as if I didn't have a future. Now, I had one and it was sinister : living a life as a Guardian until I meet Chizuru again and be granted the right to kill myself.

My life as a Guardian was still as monotonous as it was. Patrols with a unit full of spies, some of them clearly wanting me dead, Gion with Ito and Miki that I hated profoundly and my visits to Yuki that I needed more than ever.

« I think your face gets glumier and glumier everyday... I think you really do not enjoy your new posting... »

I looked lengthily at the sake cup I had in my hand. I started drinking again, hoping to get confort, to forget, to not think about this child anymore. And I was drinking a lot. I never touched the whisky again but my sake consumption was a personal record.

« You know, if your job makes you that unhappy, you should maybe quit. » said Yuki with a considerate smile.

« Look who's talking. » I replied, harshly.

« It's not like I have a choice. » she frowned « you do. »

« What do you know about my choices ? You're locked in here. »

She stayed silent with a sad expression and I felt guilty. The tons of alcohol I was swallowing were making me irascible. I didn't mean to be so harsh with her.

« Sorry... » I told her.

« It's alright, you're only speaking the truth. » she replied, avoiding my gaze.

She stayed silent again. I wasn't accustomed to that. She was always so joyful... I should have hurt her feelings deeply for her to be so mute.

« My condition had nothing to do with my job. » I said, lying a little.

« Well, that really changes everything. Thank you for your enlightenments, Saito-han. » she bowed, her oiran mask on.

« Yuki... » I whispered, leaning on the wall and staring at the ceiling « do you have children ? »

She widened her eyes in surprise, completely caught off-guard by my question.

« Why are you asking ? » she said, suspicious.

« I lost a child. He wasn't even born. I never met him. » I explained.

I didn't know why, it never happened to me before, but I needed to talk. And I had no friends to speak to apart from her. She looked at me with all the compassion of the world swirling in her gaze and that alone brought me a bit of confort.

« I have a daughter. » she said, breaking the silence. « She must be nearly ten now. »

The sorrow replaced the compassion in her eyes and I came closer, taking her hand in mine to encourage her to continue.

« Do you really wish to hear that story ? Because it's not a happy one... » she said in a sad voice.

I nodded. I needed to ear that story. I needed to see that I wasn't the only one going through these kind of things. I supposed a long time ago already that Yuki may have got children. How couldn't she with her profession ?

« I was fourteen, starting my career as an oiran. Prostitutes, you know, they use herbs to get rid of the baby but these herbs have a price. They can damage the woman as well. For us, oiran, our beauty is the source of income of our pleasure houses so these herbs are forbidden. I was the favorite to become the new Tayuu and I was working hard, thinking I was a queen, I was privileged... Thinking I was living my best life, full of gold and silk. Then I fell pregnant. The career of Tayuu closed its doors for me. At that moment, the Tayuu position was so important to me that I only felt hate for the life growing inside me. »

Her hand twitched in mine and her eyes were looking in the empty, remembering memories that were burried since ten years. I thought that maybe I shouldn't have made her think about it.

« Without my sisters always keeping an eye on me, I would have probably tried to throw myself in the stairs and kill it. But I didn't. I remember the day she was born. I wanted to die because of the pain and I hated her for making me endure it. But when I saw her... She was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen... And I loved her instantly. The love of a mother really is something, Saito-han... »

« What's her name ? »

« She was born in spring and I called her Haruhi 春姫, spring princess, because she brought so much light in my life... But I don't know if she still goes by that name... Oiran kids are taken away from us so we can keep working. She was placed with a wet-nurse and I have never seen her again since the day she was born. I only spent a few hours with her before some woman I have never seen in my life took her away from me. I screamed and cried and clawed to her. I threatened them to take my life but it didn't change the outcome. They just took away from me the knives, hairpins and even the chopsticks along with my baby. And they put another kamuro under my care so they could spy on me anytime and prevent me from suicide. Even now, ten years after, I have one more kamuro than the other oirans to keep an eye on me. »

« Do you have any idea where she could be ? » I asked.

« Well, she's a girl so... If she was pretty, she probably has been sold to an oiran house two years ago and she must be a kamuro, the assistants of the oirans. If she wasn't... Then she has more likely been sold to a whorehouse and maybe has started working by now. »

She stayed silent, thinking about her daughter and a tear came in the corner of her eye. I caught it with a finger.

« I'm sure she's as beautiful as her mother. » I told her, trying to reassure her that her daughter was a kamuro and not a prostitute.

« When I learned what will become of her » she continued hoarsely « I didn't care about my position as Tayuu anymore. I realized I wasn't a queen, just another expensive whore. I never beared a child again. Wakako, our Tayuu, she has a doctor as client who helps us sneak in the herbs that kill. I took it twice. The first time, it went smoothly but the second... I lost so much blood that it damaged me forever. Even if I wanted to, I could never be with child again. »

« I'm sorry... » I told her.

I had the feeling that I opened a door I wasn't meant to open. I never suspected that an oiran life could be something so sad. To us, men, oiran were above everything, they were queens in their houses and we were the privileged ones to be in their presence and lucky enough to be their clients. Even a daimyo was below an oiran. They were above all men except maybe the shogun himself and of course, above all women. I never questioned once that they were happy before I met Yuki.

« What about you, Saito-han ? Tell me about the child you lost. »

« I'm afraid my story is much shorter. It was a child of love but it wasn't strong enough. It never saw the sun. » I said.

« Was it the child of Yukimura ? »

I nodded, throat dry.

_Yes. It was Chizuru's child. Our child. And I wasn't even there to take care of them both..._

She kept looking at me and I felt like she could read my mind. She didn't ask anymore questions and instead, she wrapped her arms around me. I didn't do the same and just stayed still, fearing that if I returned the hug, it could lead me to a behavior I might regret. She didn't seem to mind though, maybe she understood. I knew I would still need some time to accept what happened but I was glad I could have talked to her.

« Yuki... Thank you. » I whispered to the oiran.

« See the bright side, Saito-han. You woman has proven herself fertile. You will have stronger ones. » she said, still wrapping her arms around me.

« I think I informed you already that she and I were not involved anymore. » I replied, confused.

« And just like when you lied when you stopped drinking alcohol, we both know that's not true. » she added, a compassionate smile drawing on her face.


	14. Imperialist

September 1867

It had been five months now that I quitted the Shinsengumi, along with Toudou. He finally stopped the grieving of his lost friendships and came back to being his natural self, joyful, conscious and a bit dumb sometimes. I was spending more time with him. Still stuck in my personal grievance, I was drawn to positive people like a butterfly to a candle. Everytime, I was feeling better for a moment and everytime, I was feeling miserable afterwards but of course I wasn't showing it. My emotionless mask was as powerful as ever and Ito and Miki started to put their trust in me, giving me more missions. They never asked me to spy on the Shinsengumi yet but we had echoes that the Mimawarigumi, an other shogunate affiliate militia, was starting to make some moves and so, I was dispatched as a spy. When I thought about it, it was pretty risible. I was spying on a shogunate affiliated militia on behalf of imperialists that I was spying on on behalf of another shogunate affiliated militia. Even for myself, I knew that keeping this up will end up drawing blurred lines in my unfaltering loyalty. Of course, before spying on the Mimawarigumi, I spoke to Yamazaki about it but he told me that the Shinsengumi didn't care and that I should give informations to Ito to gain his trust. That wasn't really surprising. The Shinsengumi and the Mimawarigumi, although on the same side, had never been found of each other.

I was in Gion, at a tea house not very far from the Himawari where Toudou and Chizuru used to work as undercover maiko. Ito and Miki prefered Gion over Shimabara, saying that geiko were better educated anyway, and they were often scorning prostitutes. To say this, I doubted they met an oiran once. We were three, waiting for Toudou who was gods know where. My sake cup was already filled and a geiko was singing to Ito and Miki.

Toudou arrived finally with the biggest smile on his face. I wondered what could make him that happy. He sat with us and a geiko immediately filled a cup of sake for him.

« Why so joyful, Heisuke-kun ? » asked Ito, his foxy smile I hated so much on.

« Oh... Nothing... I'm just happy to be here... » he said but only an idiot would believe it.

He was hiding something and he wasn't hiding it well. The way his eyes were always getting back to me made me think that it probably had something to do with the Shinsengumi and he was dying to tell me. But it would have to wait. We couldn't really discuss the topic with Ito and Miki at our table.

We resume drinking together but at some point, I saw Ito whisper something to Miki and they both stood up.

« Saito-kun, Heisuke-kun, have a nice evening. We are going back to the headquarters. »

« I shall get going too, then... » I said, getting up, but Ito's hand stopped me.

« No, Saito-han, please enjoy yourself with your friend. » he said, smiling.

I frowned. Was he suspicious of Toudou for a reason ? Was he asking me to get informations from him ? I nodded and stayed with Toudou, watching them go away. The young captain didn't even realize what happened and his wide smile invaded his face once more.

« Saito ! Now we're alone, I gotta tell you ! » he said with excitement.

I stayed stoic, drinking my cup, waiting for his story that I had no doubt would be life-changing...

« I saw Chizuru-chan ! »

I nearly spitted my sake all over the table. How was that even possible ?! Chizuru was supposed to be in Osaka with Matsumoto-sensei to learn medecine. She wasn't in Kyoto. Had she returned ?

« Where ? » I asked him, taking another cup of sake.

How many cups had I drunk already ? I couldn't say. I was drinking it mechanically, letting the warmth of the sweet alcohol confort me a few seconds then fade away, and taking another cup.

« In a tea shop. I never thought she'd be there when I entered but she was. And she was sooooo cute ! She was wearing a yukata, a woman one. It couldn't compare to her maiko outfit of course but it was so natural... Her obi was green and the yukata yellow with... »

« Fireworks. »

I finished his sentence and his eyes widened. I knew this yukata. It was the one I bought her years ago before taking her to the Gion festival. There, I kissed her for the first time and asked her if she was willing to try to have a relationship with me. I could still picture her in this yellow yukata, smiling, looking at the chars with sparkling eyes, eating her kabayaki, throwing rings at the ring toss... I could remember her panting after our first kiss, her hair a bit messy because of my hands and how I arranged her hairstyle before bringing her back to the compound, asking her to keep our relationship secret. I would kill to see her again in that yukata.

« You saw her too ?! » he asked me.

Toudou's question made me snap back to reality and I realized how much of an idiot I had been for finishing that sentence.

« I believe I saw a woman with that pattern earlier tonight but it wasn't Yukimura. » I lied to get me out of the situation.

« Okay... Well do you want some news from her ? » he continued, excited « or maybe you don't care since we're with Ito now... »

His face grew glumier and I took another cup of sake. His enthusiasm was understandable. Toudou had been in love with Chizuru since the beginning. As for myself, I couldn't resent him for thinking that I did not care. I never showed my true feelings towards Chizuru to others.

« Tell me. » I simply said in my toneless voice.

« She just returned after two months studying medecine with Matsumoto-sensei. She saw the new shogun, Tokugawa Yoshinobu, and his elite troops and the frenchmen and everything ! » he couldn't contain his excitement « not that I care about the shogun or the french but she was so excited about it that I guess it got onto me a bit. » he laughed.

« Is she well ? » I asked, hopeful.

« She seems to. But Saito, that yukata ! Did I tell you how cute she was ?! » he blushed « only thing was the swords. I can't fathom why she's wearing them with a woman yukata. »

« The swords ? » i frowned.

« Yeah... Her kodachi, obviously, and another one, a bit shorter but also thicker. I think it's a wakizashi but I don't see why she's wearing both... I mean... Two kodachi, why not... Or a wakizashi and a katana... But a kodachi and a wakizashi... It just doesn't make sense... » he said, thinking « maybe it's a present... »

_She's wearing it... She's out there, somewhere, wearing the yukata I offered her and the wakizashi I left in her care... Is it some kind of message adressed to me or pure coïncidence ? _

« Why was she in women clothes ? » I asked, perplexed.

« At Osaka, she didn't have to hide, she told me. »

Understandable with the reason that brought her to Osaka in the first place.

« Is she staying ? » I asked again and Toudou laughed.

« I thought you didn't care but in the end, you ask more questions than ever ! »

I silenced him with a icy glare and he stopped smiling to answer the question I asked him.

« Yeah, she's going back to the Shinsengumi. » a shadow passed in his gaze « She was going to buy some men clothing and go back this evening. »

« Toudou. » I asked, incapable of ignoring the shadow in his eyes « are you really an imperialist ? »

His eyes widened in surprise and he paused, wondering what the correct answer should be.

« Do not lie. Any answer is acceptable but lies. » I added, knowing that Toudou would tell the truth to me anyway. He always had been a little bit scared of me. He wouldn't dare lie in front of me.

« Well.. I am... » he answered with embarrassment. « You know, two years ago, I returned to Edo and... You should have seen it, Saito... Westerns everywhere, acting like they own the place... And the Bakufu, they're not doing shit about it. »

I kept listening to him. I knew that Edo had changed but I haven't witnessed it with my own eyes. If I did, would I have become an imperialist too ?

« Anyway, it's not like I have ever been loyal to the shogun. I joined the Shinsengumi to stay with all of you but I didn't really care about the Bakufu. That just seems too foreign to my actual life. And when Ito joined, he started explaining things and it just made sense to me. »

I nodded, reassuring him that he made the good choice to open up to me. So Toudou was a real imperialist after all... I really was alone in this mission.

« What about you, Saito ? » he asked « when did you realize you were an imperialist ? »

« Being here serves my ambitions. It has nothing to do with political affiliation. » I answered in my toneless voice.

« Okay... then... »

« I shall get going. It's getting late. » I said, getting up.

« All right, lets get back. »

_I have no intention in going back to the Guardians headquarters, Toudou. _

We walked quietly from Gion to the Gessin In temple, our headquarters, and I was ready to turn around as soon as Toudou would be out of sight when I heard Ito call me.

« Saito-kun, may I see you for a moment, please ? »

I turned around and joined my commander to get my orders, trying to ignore the thirst for murder that was taking me everytime I was in his presence. I swore I would kill him one day and nothing would be as sweet as this.


	15. Abducted

« You wanted to see me, Kyokuchô. » I said, entering Ito's room that was basically his office too since the Guardians headquarters weren't as big as the Nishi-Honganji.

Everytime I was calling him Kyokuchô, I had the feeling I was betraying the Shinsengumi by giving him the title that was Kondou-san's, and Kondou-san's only.

« What did Heisuke-kun have to say to you ? » he asked.

« Nothing of importance, Kyokuchô. He came across a former friend today. »

There was no point in lying to Ito. Toudou was very bad at hiding things and covering him would only had made Ito suspicious.

« Shinsengumi ? » he asked with a foxy smile.

« Ha, Kyokuchô. » I answered.

« Who ? »

« Yukimura. »

He chuckled gently and I tried my best not to silence him by tearing his vocal cords out of his throat.

« Is that so... He perfectly knows that any interaction with the Shinsengumi is forbidden. I'll have to have a conversation with him about it but I'm not surprised the slightest. The boy has always been drawn to this little slag... »

The use of that word really triggered me and I froze, impassive. I couldn't wait for the day when I would finally make him swallow back these unrespectful words.

« Saito-kun, do you still have some kind of loyalty to the Shinsengumi ? »

« My loyalty resides in the side I chose. » I answered.

« That's not a very convincing answer... »

« I left to become a Guardian. My loyalty goes to you and you only, Kyokuchô. » I lied, bowing to Ito.

« Then you wouldn't mind a little mission in the Shinsengumi's headquarters ? » he said, still with his stupid smirk.

I couldn't believe my ears. He really was giving me an opportunity to penetrate the Shinsengumi headquarters.

« I will do what is expected of me so you could be witness of my allegiance. » I bowed in respect.

« Good. Then you are going tonight. I want to have informations on the Ochimizu and I also want you to try to find out if Heisuke-kun is a double agent. If he is, you'd probably find some paperwork about it. »

I nodded and bowed, exiting the room. That was an occasion that was too good to be true. As Guardians, we weren't allowed to have any contact with the Shinsengumi but if Ito was sending me spying, then I could wander the headquarters without rising any suspicion. Well, in the Guardian's minds at least. I was going to go to the Shinsengumi tonight anyway. I had to see her. Now I had an excuse for going. It really was perfect.

I walked to the new Shinsengumi headquarters peacefully. I noticed since the beginning that I was followed again. A spy, sent by Ito, to spy on the spy... What a pity to be the commander of a militia in which you couldn't trust any of its members. Pathetic.

When I arrived near the headquarters though, something caught my eye. A suspicious shadow. That wasn't Ito's men, nor Shinsengumi. I followed my instinct and took another path that I knew would lead me to face the mysterious guest. I stayed in the shadows and saw two familiar faces. Chizuru and Amagiri, the Satsuma man, who was holding her tightly while running towards me. And Chizuru didn't seem to be here from her own volition. I took my fighting stance, still hidden, and got ready to stop them but Amagiri froze.

« Gha ! » escaped Chizuru in surprise. « Why did you stop ? »

« I felt like if I kept running, my legs would be cut from my body. » he answered calmly with his deep voice. « Why don't you show yourself ? » he asked.

_Perceptive... _I thought before stepping out to reveal myself.

« Saito ?! » yelled Chizuru and having my name out of her lips warmed my lonely heart.

She clearly couldn't believe her eyes and she blinked a few time to be sure I was really there. My face stayed impassive, focused on my opponent.

« How strange that I shall meet you here. » I said without letting emotions leak out my voice.

« Will you let me pass ? » asked Amagiri « I am in quite a hurry. »

« Why is she here ? » I asked, frowning a little. « Let me tell you what I see. You have attacked the Shinsengumi headquarters and abducted someone under their protection. I'm afraid that with these informations in my possession, I cannot let you go freely. » I said coldly.

I saw Chizuru relax a little. Could she decipher my concern behind my emotionless mask ?

« I was led to believe you were no longer a part of the Shinsengumi. » continued Amagiri. « You have no business here. »

« My relationship with the Shinsengumi is irrelevant. What is relevant is the girl. »

I stayed cold but I silently hoped Chizuru could hear my words, really hear them, and understand what they meant.

« I highly doubt she accompanies you of her own free will. » I continued.

« That is true » replied Amagiri « what is you intent ? »

« Isn't it obvious ? » I said.

I threw myself forward, unsheathing my sword and cutting in a single movement. If Amagiri hadn't dodge my blow, Chizuru would have been cut in half along with him. I saw her eyes widen in fear as my sword pass a few millimeters away from her ear thanks to Amagiri's quick reaction.

« You're fast. » congratulated the tall man « a shame you are only human. »

« If you intend to fight while holding her, you will undoubtedly loose. » I said, ignoring him. « I was under the impression her life mattered to you. »

He didn't react and gauged me with his cold blue eyes. He and I were the same kind of men, capable to see through lies. I tried to be as convincing as I could when I spoke again.

« Make your decision. Her death means nothing to an imperialist like myself. »

Chizuru shivered and I ignored her. I would explain later, when she would be safe.

« Fine. » said Amagiri eventually and he released Chizuru who ran towards me and got in my back, under the protection of my blade. She didn't hesitate a second and I was glad for it. « I will pretend your ruse has defeated me for tonight. Goodbye. »

I wanted to go after him and kill him for daring abducting her but Chizuru was my priority and so, I watched him go away, my guard up in a defensive stance.

When he was gone, I sheathed back my blade and turned to her. She was still wearing the yellow yukata with the fireworks and she was so beautiful I could die. She wasn't wearing my wakizashi nor her kodachi though.

_I thought earlier that I would kill to see you again in this yukata but I never thought I would actually have to draw my sword._

I stared at her, not knowing what to say to her after all this time and all that she had been through. I wanted my words to be meaningful, not stutter stupidly like an idiot. I didn't have the time to say anything though before she threw herself against me, arms holding tight around my chest.

« I missed you so much ! » she said, burying her face in my neck.

She was breathing deeply, as if she was trying to fill herself with my scent and I closed my arms around her too, holding onto her with only the tips of my fingers, as if I was afraid to lay my hands on her.

« That was my line. » I told her, nose in her hair, and she chuckled nervously.

I smiled for the first time in months. I buried my face deeper in her hair and closed my eyes, the heady spices driving me crazy. Her sole presence in my arms made all my sorrow disappear and I wanted to lift her up and bring her back with me, never letting her go again.

« Mmmff ! »

A noise caught my attention and I opened my eyes abruptly, pushing gently Chizuru away from my body. Alert, I heard some footsteps approaching and I put my hand on my katana, ready.


	16. Heal

My hand quitted my blade with relief when I saw our mysterious guest step out of the shadows.

« Yamazaki. » I saluted the ninja.

« Saito. I just killed a spy who was coming our way. Was he one of your men ? » he asked.

« Probably. But I was the one tailed. You did me a favor. » I answered calmly.

« Good. » he nodded. « Yukimura, I'm glad to see you well. I will give you two a bit a privacy and look for more intruders. When you are ready, I'll take you back to the headquarters. » he bowed to us. « Saito, I am getting back to the man I killed. I'll leave a kunai in his throat to innocent you. »

I thanked the ninja and he disappeared in the shadows. I reported my attention on Chizuru who was blushing with confusion. How I missed her flustered red face...

« Why... are you two speaking so casually ? Aren't you supposed to be enemies ? »

I didn't answer. I was duty bound not to tell her anything but I knew she was smart enough to figure out the truth by herself. I took her in my arms again, closing the gap between us and putting my head back in her hair. I needed that contact so much. Five months... That's the time we had been apart already if I was making abstraction of the single night, two months ago, when I came to help her with the fever for a few minutes.

« Saito... » she said, nesting her head back into my neck as well.

« Shhh... Don't speak. » I whispered, close to her ear.

_Don't speak yet. Let me have a moment... _

My breath in her ear made her shiver in an adorable way and I had no doubt anymore that she was still loving me with all her heart, even after my betrayal. My hand came combing her hair, softly, as if I could just break her, as if she could shatter under my touch if I applied too much pressure. My fingers entangled strands of her hair and pulled gently her head backwards. She quitted my neck and lifted her face up, allowing me to come and deposit a tender kiss on her lips. I thought that after all this time, I would have act with more force, need and desperation but no. My mouth worked slowly against hers, hesitant, soft and mellow, as if it was our first. In a way, it was the first. I parted from her lips, slowly, savoring the taste of her. My hand was still combing in her hair and the other came snaking in her back to bring her even closer.

« Chizuru... About the baby... » I started.

« Shhhh... Don't speak. » she cut me, returning my words with a smile.

And just like I did with her, she entangled strands of my hair with her fingers to detach me of her and kissed me. It wasn't the same kiss though. Hers was bolder, full of passion. It was the kind of kiss who was shouting her previous words « I missed you so much » in all the bones of my body. I could feel the words cursing through my veins and I grew bolder too with each time that I could her them echo in me, letting my tongue wander on her lips and in her mouth to meet hers. I bit on her lower lip and she gasped in return, using her hand in my hair to pull me harder against her face. I followed and soon enough, she was pined against a wall, moaning with delight as my mouth was now kissing and biting her earlobe and trailing down her neck before getting back to her mouth to kiss her one last time.

I parted with regret but I wasn't the kind of man to take her in the street, without respect, like she was some kind of prostitute. How much I desired to was irrelevant. I noticed a lovebite, red and purple, forming on her skin and I cursed myself for this lack of restraint. Chizuru really had an effect on me that was putting my self-control to the test every damn time.

« You should hide your neck. » I told her, embarrassed.

« Hum... Don't worry about it... » she blushed.

« If anyone in the compound sees it, you'll be in trouble. » I told her, leaving no room for protestations « you should... »

I stopped my sentence halfway through, witnessing the lovebite getting smaller on her skin until it completely disappeared, leaving her skin immaculate. My jaw dropped without me noticing but Chizuru did and she turned her head, embarrassed.

« Yeah.. I figured we'd have to talk about that, one day... » she muttered.

« Chizuru... You heal... » I whispered.

« Yeah... It's a long story... But that's why Amagiri captured me... Do you remember Sen ? The girl in the street ? »

I nodded. That day, Chizuru put herself in danger to protect that girl. How could I forget ?

« She heard that I came back from Osaka and went to the headquarters. She wanted me to follow her to her village and explained everything. She's an Oni, just like Kazama, Amagiri and Shiranui. And just like me... »

« An Oni ? » I frowned.

I believed in demons of course. Oni, kitsune, tengu... Not that I was particularly superstitious but gods, spirits and demons were just as part of Japan as men. But Chizuru, a demon ? She was too pure to be one.

« Yeah... That's why my wounds heal quickly... » she continued embarrassed.

I stared at her for a while, letting these new informations seek in. So... Chizuru was some kind of... monster ?

« You find it disgusting... » she said, eyes on the ground.

« No. » I answered, my mind already made up on the subject « It doesn't change who you are. »

I fell in love with her, her personality, her strength... Not with her lineage. Even if she was a monster, she wasn't evil or corrupted. I didn't care if she wasn't human.

« Your healing is a blessing. » I continued, lifting her chin up to detach her gaze from the ground.

« Thank you... » she said in a shy voice « So... Now you know... No more secrets between us. »

I nodded, happy that she trusted me enough to tell me the truth and regretting that I couldn't return the favor. One thing was still bugging me, though.

« What business do the other demons have with you ? » I asked.

She blushed instantly, avoiding my eyes and her face become redder and redder when she finally spoke.

« I'm special... I'm a pure blood demon... Kazama is one too and... He wants to marry me and make me bear his children. »

I chuckled nervously.

_Pure blood ? What does he think you are ? Some kind of broodmare ? _

« Well, good luck with that. » I said with a smirk « Because no one is taking you away from me. »

She smiled and I kissed her briefly, sealing my words.

« I love you. » I told her « and I'll marry you. I promise. »

« I know you will. » she answered, kissing me « I don't know a more honorable man. »

_An honorable man who dishonored you and left you while you were bearing his child..._

« Kazama... Does he know you're defiled already ? » I asked with a frown.

« I think if he knew, he'd kill you. » she answered and fear passed in her eyes. Kazama really made a strong impression on her.

« Well good luck with that too. » I replied « I don't have any pure breed demon in my hunting collection yet. »

She chuckled again and my heart smiled. She was always laughing to my humour, as bad as it could be. I wanted to keep her in my arms forever... But we were interrupted by Yamazaki.

« I'm sorry but this is taking a bit too long and Yukimura should come back before they send a research team. » he said.

We both nodded, knowing that this moment couldn't last forever anyway. We both had obligations and a duty to fulfill.

« Alright. Chizuru. We still have a lot to discuss but with your approval, it will wait until our next encounter. » I turned to the ninja « Yamazaki. Ito sent me to get intels. What can I bring back to him ? »

Chizuru widened her eyes in surprise again hearing me asking for classified informations on Ito's behalf and she was even more shocked when the ninja answered me casually.

« Hum... You can tell him that we've got a dozen more men. Kobayashi Tetsuya, your second, he got a promotion and is leading the third division. And since you're spying on the Mimawarigumi, we discovered that they intent to murder Sakamoto Ryouma. » he told me.

That was enough for me. They weren't big news but they would satisfy Ito for a time even if it wasn't linked to the Ochimizu. Chizuru's eyes were going from him to me and to him again.

« I see. » I thanked the ninja « Yamazaki, can I ask a personal request ? »

He got closer and I formulated my demand so low that only him could hear. It's not that I wasn't trusting Chizuru but I didn't want to bother her with informations that weren't necessary for the moment.

« Alright, Saito. » he said with a small smile « I can't guarantee I'll have time to look into it but I'll see what I can do. » he turned to Chizuru « Let's go back, Yukimura. »

She obeyed, docile, and I looked at them going back to Furudo village, to their headquarters. I was already missing her.


	17. Bounty

« What are you reading ? » I asked Yuki.

We were in the private salon as usual, sipping tea together. She was lying on the futon and her legs were moving back and forth in the air. Last time I saw her like this, years ago, she was naked and was practicing her calligraphy, writing my name over and over on the paper after one of our embraces. But this time, she was fully dressed. In all my months as a Guardian, I hadn't touch her, keeping my faithfulness to Chizuru untainted. As for her, except the first time when I told her that Chizuru wasn't my woman anymore, she never tried again to seduce me. We were just friends, enjoying each other's company.

Normally, a client would have been excessively annoyed that his oiran would prefer reading a book instead of entertaining him but I didn't care. To me, she wasn't an oiran anymore even if I was paying to see her. She was just a woman, allowing me to have a glimpse at her true self, and that was more important to me than any entertainment.

« It's a novel about the life of the Taiko. » she answered, not lifting her head from her book.

I didn't need to ask who it was. There was only one Taiko : Toyotomi Hideyoshi, the monkey, warlord vassal of Oda Nobunaga who finished his task of unifying Japan, just before the beginning of the Tokugawa shogunate.

« Is it good ? » I asked.

« Yeah, it explains a lot about his motivations, his life path... I always thought he was fascinating. » she answered again, licking her finger to turn the page.

« Why ? »

« He was born a commoner and he became one of the greatest and unified all Japan under his banner. Don't you think it's fascinating ? » she chuckled « you should like him too, I think. I heard Shinsengumi members weren't born samurai either. »

« It's true for some of us. »

« Us ? » she repeated with a grin.

« Them. » I corrected « Although I was born a samurai myself. »

She chuckled again, probably proud of herself for making me make such a mistake.

« What does it says, your book ? » I asked, changing the subject.

« A lot... Political intrigues, love, betrayals, military strategy, modernization... » she enumerated with a smile.

« Does it confort you in the idea that you would have been a perfect warlord in the Sengoku Jidai ? » I asked with a smirk.

« You're particularly in the mood for talking today... » she smirked like the fox she was, closing her novel « are you gonna eventually tell me what Yukimura said to you ? »

I looked at her, confused, but the smile on her face just grew wider. How could she know ?

« You're mistaken. » I answered.

« I don't believe I am. » she said playfully « you sit here, drinking tea to be sure to stay faithful and you sometimes get lost in thought and smile, something I haven't seen you do in ages. And... now you're blushing. »

I didn't answer and reported my attention on the window, trying to ignore the heat on my cheeks.

« Alright, don't talk » she said, plunging in her book again « but just know that it makes me happy to see you this happy. »

I nodded, just to acknowledge that I heard her. That woman was perceptive. A bit too much for my taste. The sun was getting lower on the horizon and I knew I had to go back in case Yamazaki was there. I stood up and thanked Yuki for her time before heading to the Gessin In temple.

Just as I expected, the ninja joined me in my room that night. It wasn't really surprising, he was coming at least once a week now.

« Yamazaki. » I bowed.

« Saito. » he bowed in return « Yukimura sends you her regards. »

We talked for several minutes. The information he gave me about the Mimawarigumi and Sakamoto had satisfied Ito and he gave it to the Tosa clan imperialists. They moved Sakamoto from the Teradaya to somewhere better hidden, the Ōmiya, a soy sauce shop. He was staying there with another Tosa bushi, Nagaoka, who we supposed was a kind of bodyguard. I expressed my regrets not to have any informations to give to the Shinsengumi in return and Yamazaki told me that the commander was starting to be tired of this little game and that maybe, I'll be allowed to come back soon. Kondou-san and Ito were supposed to have parted ways good friends after all and five months spying him made us learn nothing. Hijikata-san though wasn't sharing Kondou-san's opinion. To him, Ito was trying to lull us into inaction. This topic was still in discussion between the two men. I personally was thinking that Hijikata-san was right even if I would be satisfied to go back to the Shinsengumi. Kondou just couldn't ignore that Ito sent me spying only a few days ago. That wasn't the behavior of a friend.

« Before I forget » added Yamazaki, taking a paper out of his sleeve « this is the Aizu bounty for the death of Takeda Kanryuusai. »

I took the paper, nodding. Good. I was spending a bit too much money in Shimabara and I was starting to get low in finances. This was enough money to make me live comfortably for months.

« And this... » he added again, taking another paper out his sleeve « is directly from the Bakufu, for protecting the secret of the Ochimizu. »

I took the second paper but handed it back to Yamazaki.

« This is a mistake. I have no use of that much money. »

The sum written on the paper was outrageously high. I knew the Ochimizu was one of the greatest secrets of the Bakufu but my services didn't deserve this kind of payment. Plus, personal wealth was the enemy of the samurai. It could lead him out of the warrior's path. That amount was indecent.

« Take this back to the Shinsengumi » I asked « the men will make good use of it. »

« Unfortunately, I can't. » he admitted « it has your name on it. »

I nodded and grabbed the paper. I'll have to exchange it against actual money anyway. It was just a paper, nothing to be alarmed of...

« I won't keep it. » I told Yamazaki while he was on his way out.

« It's yours. » he shrugged « do as you wish with it. »

He left me alone in my room and I thought for a moment before making my decision. I got out of the Gessin In temple and walked back to Shimabara to enter the Hanamado.

« Welcome back, dear customer ! » greeted the owner, bowing « Unfortunately, Yuki isn't available right now, she has an appointment. Do you wish to have another one of our oirans ? Or you can wait in the salon if you want. »

« I want to know the price for Yuki. » I said in my toneless voice.

She frowned before smiling again « With all my due respect, dear customer, I think you are well aware of our tariffs... »

« I believe you misunderstood. » I said calmly « I'm here to buy her freedom. »


	18. Free

The owner led me to a private room and sat in front of me after opening a cupboard containing all the expenses made for Yuki, her original debt, the money she made the pleasure house win... All the accounting that was representing Yuki's eighteen years of servitude.

« I'm not going to ask you if Yuki is willing to come with you... » she sighed. « I think we both know the answer to that question. So let's skip these preliminaries. Just give me a minute to review everything. »

« Can't you just give me a price ? » I asked, confused.

I had no experience into this kind of thing but I thought that it would have been easier. I wanted to take her away from this place as soon as possible. I knew how much she despised it and now that I was able to help, I wanted to grant her deepest wish and return the favor for everything she ever did for me. She had been here when I needed her, years ago, she pushed me to confess to Chizuru and even now, she was still supporting me when I needed her most and respecting my faithfulness.

« I could if you asked for someone else... People come every week, sometimes even days, asking for the price of Wakako or Shizuka... Even Kimigiku sometimes... But never would I have expected someone to ask for Yuki... »

She overlooked at me, looking at my simple black kimono, my scarf and my messy hair. I could see in her eyes that she was trying to estimate my wealth and how much I could pay. I had no doubt that if I hadn't been a loyal customer that had already proven countless times that I could actually afford an oiran, I wouldn't even be in this room. I waited for her inspection to be over and she plunged her eyes back into the papers before lifting her eyes and announcing me the price. It seemed particularly high, even for an oiran, and I understood quite easily that she was trying to see how high I could get and was ready to bargain. I didn't like the idea to haggle with a human life but I decided to play her little game anyway.

« This sounds overpriced. » I just said, firmly.

« What did you expect ? We are a very fine institution and our girls are well educated, beautiful, smart, docile... This is the price for excellence. »

« Docile ? » I chuckled and she furrowed her brows « I would have agreed to this price for a Tayuu but I was under the impression that Yuki was a troublemaker here. You probably look forward to get rid of that burden and as you said yourself, you do not get a lot of offers. Moreover, if I'm not mistaken, she's the cheapest here and I highly doubt that her value covers efficiently the cost of the expenses on her account. »

She frowned and I knew I scored a point. Yuki shouldn't have been a very good investment for the Hanamado. I had decipher it quite easily from her low position and her taste for insolence. Negociations continued several minutes and I was able to buy Yuki for half the Shogunate Bounty. In no time, I had an official title of property for Hanamado Yuki.

« She doesn't have a surname ? » I asked, perplexed.

« The Hanamado is her family. She was officially bought and got the name of the establishment. I have no record of her previous name and I'm not sure she remembers it anyway. If it doesn't suit you, you can fill a form to officially give her your name if you want. »

I nodded and signed the paper but instead of writing my name as Yuki's owner, I wrote hers, giving back to her all her freedom and rights. The owner didn't seem happy with it and she didn't hide it.

« You should have put your name to grant yourself her obedience. She's trouble, that one. » she frowned, signing the paper as well.

I took back the paper and stood up, bowing to her.

« I have no use for her obedience. » I said, exiting the office.

« Wait ! » she called « she's with clients right now, you can't just barge in the room and take her ! »

« I'll wait outside. » I said to reassure her and she didn't try to stop me, feeling the authority filling my voice.

I sat on a bench covered in silk fabric in a corridor where all the private rooms were lined up. I had no idea which one was Yuki's since she was changing often, taking the one available. I crossed my arms and waited patiently. I didn't have my katana, that I left in the entrance like every time, therefore it wasn't in the way and I was able to sit comfortably. From the corridor, I could hear a bit all the conversations in every room but the were all mixed up so I couldn't recognize Yuki's voice it it. I was also seeing the incense outside the room, indicating how much the client had left for the guards and the owner. The same incence stick was in each room for the oiran and the client to manage their time efficiently. The negotiations with the owner took some time so I was pretty confident that Yuki would be released soon.

I wasn't mistaken and when one of the shoji opened, Yuki stepped out followed by two men I knew but was surprised to see here. They were two members of my unit as a Guardian and pretty hostile towards me. They saw me at the same time Yuki did and I saw her hide a vial, scared.

« Saito-han ! » she squealed and the two members of my unit fled without hesitation like the cowards they were.

I didn't say anything. I didn't need to. She knew already that I figured out what was in the vial. They probably knew I already came today and weren't expecting to have me back here so soon.

« Saito-han... » she started.

« Poison, Yuki ? » I cut her in an emotionless voice « to be sure my next tea would have been my last ? »

« You don't understand... » she said, trying to justify herself « They told me that they would set me free if I did as they said. I... I'm not even sure I would have done it... »

« You really believed these low-ranked ronin could ever buy you ? » I continued on the same tone « they would never have done it, Yuki. »

Her eyes were looking at the carpet like a little girl being scolded. I came closer to her and put the paper against her chest. She grabbed it and I plunged my icy gaze into her chestnut wide eyes already full of tears.

« I did. » I simply said and I dropped the paper and walked away.

I heard her gasp in my back when she realized what she was holding and I heard her call my name a few time but I didn't turn around. She betrayed me. I took my sword and got back to the Guardians headquarters. When I arrived, I took the head of the two members of my unit who dared conspire against me. They didn't even get the right to seppuku, I beheaded them to be sure that their honor stayed tain.

Ito didn't ask for any explanation. I was in my right. He just stood on a balcony and watched, a foxy smile on his lips.


	19. Doubt

October 1867

I had no doubt that Ito was the one who tried to get me assassinated. If the two men of my unit had been acting from their own volition they would have fled and deserted to escape my wrath, especially with the reputation that was mine. Instead, they came back to the headquarters, probably thinking that Ito would offer them protection. How they should have felt betrayed when he just watched me execute them with his foxy smile...

I didn't know if I was discovered yet or if Ito was trying to get rid of me for another motive. In any case, I was keeping my guard up at all time. A failed assassination attempt was something dangerous for the person commanding it. I had no doubt that others would follow soon and I was keeping my sleep light and my katana close to my futon.

I was in the courtyard, repeating my moves as usual. I wanted people to witness that I wasn't disturbed at all by the attack and that I was ready to counter anything that was coming for me. Emotionless. Unfaltering. Unwavering. Dissuasive. That's when I noticed Toudou, sitting on a bench and looking up to the autumn leaves falling from the tree. He seemed melancholic which surprised me since he had been so joyful lately and I wondered what could be the cause of such a change in his mood. I sheathed back my sword and went to the kitchen to make some tea before bringing two cups to the bench, handing one to Toudou. He smiled at me sadly and I knew that something was wrong. Toudou was like a child and a bit like Chizuru too, in a way. He never had been able to mask his emotions.

« What is it ? » I asked him.

He grabbed the cup from my hand and I sat next to him on the bench. My tea was still too hot to be drunk and I blew softly on it, waiting for Toudou to answer.

« I feel lost... I'm starting to wonder if this is my place... » he told me.

« Doubt is something common to all men, even samurai. » I said in my toneless voice.

« I don't think you ever doubted a thing, Saito. » he chuckled.

« I do. » I just said and that seemed to reassure him a bit.

We stayed silent for a while, looking at the leaves dancing in the wind and reaching the ground, making a mat full of colors.

« Ito gave me a mission. » eventually said Toudou. « To prove my loyalty. »

I stayed silent, waiting for him to open up a little more.

« I don't know... This mission... It just seems wrong... » he sighed « it's not that I'm not a true imperialist or anything but... I never did something like this before... »

« What did he ask from you ? » I asked.

« My unit is supposed to ambush Kondou-san and kill him... » he paused, waiting for my reaction but nothing came « I know he's the enemy and everything but... Hell, Saito ! It's Kondou we're talking about ! »

I understood completely. Toudou was also a member of the Shieikan. He was took in by Kondou when he had nowhere else to go. Kondou was someone special to all of us. Even if Toudou quitted the Shinsengumi, he couldn't ignore that easily his former friendships. It really was cruel from Ito to order something like this to Toudou. He wanted so bad to prove himself worth of the Guardians's trust... This order was torturing him, it was visible on his face. And I knew that even if it was painfully hard for him, he'll obey to Ito because if he didn't, it meant that all that he did, quitting the Shinsengumi, his friends, Chizuru... All that was meaningless and vain.

« What do you think, Saito ? » he asked, turning to me for insight.

« You walk the warrior path just like the rest of us, Toudou. » I answered calmly « you have to listen to your warrior heart and find where your honor resides. »

« But what is honor, Saito ? Sometimes, we do so much ugly things that I wonder. » he sighed.

« Honor is something that cannot be given to you, nor be taken from you. It is a gift from a warrior to himself. » I answered again.

« That... just doesn't make any sense ! » he yelled, holding his head in his hands. He calmed down and smiled to me. « Thank you, Saito. »

I nodded, happy I could have brought him a bit of confort. I hoped he could meditate on my words and find himself the path on which he wished to walk. It wasn't too late for Toudou to come back with me to the Shinsengumi.

Because now I knew. I was going back. There was no way I could let Ito murder the commander, Kondou-san, who did so much for all of us. This was the end of the road for the Guardians and there was a cliff at the end. I hoped Toudou would be able to make the right choice and not fall with the rest of them. As for Ito and Miki, I secretly hoped the Hijikata-san and Kondou-san would allow me to kill them myself.

« You know... I really don't know how you can be so... what's the word... tough maybe... all the time. It feels like events are just sliding on you, like water an a rock... » he sighed « I wonder what you would do in my situation but I know you won't tell me anyway. » he smiled.

I brought the tea to my lips and he did the same. I couldn't walk the path for him but I could stand alongside him and I think he understood it.

« Sometimes I envy you. » he confessed « You're always unshakable, relentless... You always stay true to yourself whatever the odds. It feels like your world is only black and white. » he sighed « I would like mine to be like this instead of shades of grey... »

« I think you are mistaken about your vision of myself, Toudou. » I eventually answered « Every man sees the world in shades of grey and I am not an exception. Only the gods have the power to truly distinguish good and evil. »

He smiled sadly and nodded. His expression was softer though and maybe had he found in his heart the answer he was looking for. Our tea finished, I stood up with the cups to clean them and got back to the practice of my moves to get ready for battle.

That night, I got out of the headquarters silently. I noticed that I was followed again and I lured my uninvited guest into a trap to kill him. I had nothing more to loose anyway. I could always tell Ito that he tried to murder me.

At last, my greatest wish was granted and I joined the Furudo village to hold a big meeting with all the captains of the Shinsengumi. My six month lie was finally over.


	20. Ito

« Saito ! What the hell are you doing here ?! » yelled Nagakura when I entered the common room, following Hijikata-san and Kondou-san.

They all opened wide eyes, except from Chizuru who was distributing cups of tea to everyone, and Yamazaki, arms and legs crossed, who was standing up, leaning against a wood panel. Inoue was the first to smile at me.

« Hi, Saito. It's been a while. What happened to the Guardians of the Imperial tomb ? »

His casual question made the other captains erupt and everyone talked at the same time, asking me explainations for my presence in this room.

« Everyone just shut up, all right ! » ordered Hijikata-san in his commanding voice.

The silence slowly filled the room but the tension was still in the air, palpable. I had the feeling that if I extended my hand, I just could just feel it on my fingertips.

« Starting today » announced Hijikata-san « Saito's back in the Shinsengumi. Anyone who opposes this decision can step out now but he won't get another chance. »

No one stepped forward but I could see embarrassment and concern on every faces. Eventually, Harada opened his mouth to voice his opinion.

« Hold on a second there, Hijikata. We're glad to have a fellow friend back, don't get me wrong but... What happened with the Guard ? With Ito ? »

I understood quite easily that his concerns were directed towards Toudou more than myself. I decided to explain the reason of my return.

« You are mistaken. I was never one of Ito's supporters. »

« In fact, Saito was fulfilling a mission on behalf of the Shinsengumi under Toshi's direct orders and joined Ito and his men as a spy. » said Kondou-san, rescuing me before things could get out of hand.

I heard Souji snort in disdain and his eyes were burning with anger when he spoke.

« And no one estimated the captains should know about it ? » he said in a harsh voice « Are we not worthy of your trust, Toshi ?! »

« Souji... » started Hijikata-san in a threatening voice, frowning.

« It was also my idea. » cut Kondou-san « It has nothing to do with our trust, Souji. »

Kondou's words seemed to calm Souji a little and he just crossed his arms and closed his mouth, eyes still filled with anger.

« To fool his enemies, one needs to fool his allies first. » I said, bowing to the rest of them to ask for their forgiveness.

I heard Souji snort again but when I lifted my gaze, I saw that his usual smirk was drawn on his face.

« All the fun is always for Hajime-kun anyway... » he said with a playful grin and I knew that I was forgiven. I wasn't sure about the « fun » aspect though.

« Man... » added Nagakura « Not cool, Kondou. You just scared the shit out of me... Is Heisuke all right ? »

I nodded and both Nagakura and Harada let out a sigh of relief.

« It is too early to feel relieved. » I said in my toneless voice, getting their attention back. « Ito has ordered Toudou to lure Kondou-san into a trap and kill him. »

Silence fell once more on the common room, letting my words sink in every one of them. Souji stood up with a grin.

« Well, I guess it's time for the Sword of the Shinsengumi to pay a visit to the Guardians. »

« Souji. Sit. Down. » ordered Kondou-san and like a kid, he obeyed instantly but his deception was painted on his face.

« Ito Kashitaro... » muttered Hijikata-san as if he was speaking to himself « it wasn't enough for you to try and get your hand on the Ochimizu... You had to try to kill Kondou too... » he sighed and when he started speaking again, his voice was the one of a commander once more « he leaves us no choice. Ito dies. The sooner the better. »

I nodded and thought a moment about asking his permission to do it myself but I kept my mouth shut, waiting for my orders.

« Saito. You go back to the Guardians for the night. If it looks like you left and came back, it wouldn't take long for Ito to put two and two together. »

I bowed, accepting my duty. I had to bear with Ito and Miki a bit longer but that wasn't a problem. I just had to avoid their attempts at murdering me, not a big deal.

« Here's the plan. We are going to lure Ito into giving him informations by inviting him to Kondou's second home. There will be only Kondou and me. Once he's dead, we will use his body to lure out the rest of the Guardians and kill them. » explained Hijikata-san. « Nagakura, Harada, you and your divisions will be the ones taking care of it. »

« What about me ? » asked Souji « who am I killing ? »

« No one. » answered Hijikata-san « you still got that bad cough. You stay here, in bed. »

« So I'm supposed to just pretend to ignore that someone wanted to kill Kondou-san ?! » he yelled, hands clenched into fists.

« After we killed Ito, probably tomorrow night if he accepts our invitation, Saito will stay here as well, so you will have someone to play with. » he said in his commanding voice, like he was talking to a kid.

I saw Chizuru's eyes lit at the mention of me staying in Furudo and Souji smirked when he spoke again.

« I highly doubt that Hajime-kun would want to play with ME_._ » he said playfully, insisting loudly on the « me ».

I frowned to mark my disapproval of his snide comment and Chizuru tried to hide her face that was already blushing. Fortunately, the captains were too focused on the matter at hand to pay any attention to her.

« This will be the end of the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb » I said like a death sentence, reporting all attention on me « If we are going to return Toudou to the fold, it has to be now or never. »

I heard Chizuru gasp. She probably hadn't realized before that if we were to murder the Guardians, it did involve Toudou.

« Hijikata-san... » she asked « what is gonna happen to Heisuke ? »

« It's obvious ! » answered Nagakura with a big smile « we are going to save him of cour... »

« No. » cut Hijikata-san « He fights us, he dies with the rest. »

« Wh... What ? » said Chizuru with her hand on her mouth, shocked. « No ! You can't mean that ! You can't kill Heisuke ! »

Tears started to invade her eyes and her voice was shaky when she spoke again.

« You're lying, right ? Hijikata-san... He's your friend... »

Hijikata-san just ignored her and left. He had spoken and his words weren't open to debate. Chizuru reported her attention to Kondou-san and grabbed his kimono.

« You're really gonna do it ?! » she cried « You're actually going to order them to kill Heisuke ?! So, just because he left the Shinsengumi, you no longer care if he dies or not ?! »

« Of course we care ! » answered Kondou-san with a harsh voice but he didn't try to detach her from his kimono « and Toshi cares too ! Do you imagine how it feels to give the command to kill a comrade who was part of our family for years ?! »

She let go of Kondou-san's kimono and bowed her head, still crying.

« Pardon me, Kondou-san... »

« No, don't apologize. » he replied, his kind expression back « it makes me happy to see you care for Heisuke... » he turned to Nagakura and Harada « I'm asking you this not as your commander but as Kondou Isami, let Heisuke live and... if you can... Try to convince him to come back. »

« Got it, chief. » said Nagakura and Harada agreed with him.

It was settled. The end of the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb. The end of Ito. I bowed to everyone and got back to the Gessin In temple for, I hoped, my last night as an imperialist.


	21. Kazama

The night of Ito's assassination, I quitted the Guardians without regret and took my quarters back in the Shinsengumi. I was lent a small room a bit far from the captains quarters but since my second, Tetsuya, got a promotion, he was occupying the room for the captain of the third division of the Shinsengumi. I didn't care. I was glad to be back. Inoue happily showed me around the new headquarters but in the night, I wasn't sure that I would recognize anything in the morning. I would probably be lost a bit for a time.

I wanted to see Chizuru as soon as possible since we had so much to talk about but I first put my things in my room and afterwards... I couldn't remember where her room actually was. I've only been once, three months ago, at night and with Souji leading the way... I decided to wait until morning anyway. There were some people hostile to my return, not believing that I actually did all this for the Shinsengumi, and wandering inside the headquarters at night and opening every door wouldn't really be a good plea in my favor. I sat in seiza on the tatami of my room and tried to meditate and ignore that Chizuru was only a few rooms away and that I could probably sneak in and...

« Saito !!! »

_Chizuru ! _

I got out of my room in a hurry to find her running and colliding into a Rasetsu, mad with bloodlust.

« Saito... Here you a... » she stopped herself when she saw that the man in front of her and her eyes widened in fear as the Rasetsu unsheathed his blade.

« Get down ! » I shouted and I cut the Rasetsu open.

Luckily she had reacted very quickly, throwing herself on the ground and so, she was unharmed.

« Saito ! » she repeated, getting up.

« The Rasetsu finally lost control then... How unfortunate... » I muttered to myself, looking at the corpse at my feet. « Are you alright, Chizuru ? »

« Saito ! In the courtyard, Yamazaki and Inoue ! And Sannan is hurt ! And Shimada... » she yelled, looking all around her, terrified.

« Calm yourself. » I said, putting a hand on her head « and convey the situation to me. »

« Kazama's here ! He fought Sannan and the Rasetsu corp but he's killing them all ! I don't know if Sannan can take it any longer ! Yamazaki and Inoue are trying to stop him too ! » she stopped yelling for a second, wiping the tears in her eyes « it's all my fault... »

« It is not. Where is he ? » I asked, feeling the anger cursing through my veins but trying to stay impassive.

« In the courtyard... » she said.

She tried to follow me but her legs just wouldn't stop shaking and she couldn't move. Kazama really was that terrifying ? I looked at her, shivering on the floor and put my hand on her shoulder as I crouched in front of her.

« Do not worry. I have sworn to protect you and I will do so, regardless of circumstances. »

I felt her body still and I stood up, ready to face that Kazama Chikage who thought he could just come here unpunished and take Chizuru for a broodmare.

« Saito... Thank you... » she said, getting up as well.

We ran together to the courtyard where I found the blond demon engaged in combat with Yamazaki, Inoue and Shimada. The three of them were sweating and panting, their face a reflection of the intense battle they were fighting. Kazama, on the contrary, looked completely unfazed. Bodies were numerous on the ground and the air was thick with the stench of blood. How could a single man take down so many Rasetsu ? They were superior to humans in both strength and speed but I guess it wasn't enough to match a demon. Kazama was fighting three men at once and he was just standing still and not suffering a single scratch. He almost looked... bored.

« Yukimura ! » yelled Inoue with a smile « You brought Saito-kun ! Good. »

« Anyone hurt, please pull back ! » I shouted loud enough for everyone to hear « I will handle this. »

« You ? » said Kazama with an arrogant grin « Interesting. I was bored with all these weaklings anyway. »

« Saito ! Be careful ! » yelled Chizuru.

« I am here to put an end to your rampage. Or at least, try. Nonetheless, I have vowed to protect her, and so I will. » I said in my toneless voice.

I lowered my body and reached for my sword, preparing myself. But instead of taking a stance of his own, Kazama looked down on me for a moment. I could feel his power, his strength and how difficult of an opponent he was. Without erasing his arrogant grin, he sheathed back his sword to my surprise, and slowly backed away.

« Are you fleeing ? » I asked, still impassive, focused.

I kept my stance without blinking, ready for any kind of trick he could try to play on me.

« Don't be insolent, dog. » he said in a low, arrogant voice « Unfortunately, I'm here today only to buy time for another. I am not here on personal business and I never intended to stay long. »

His eyes slid to Chizuru and his smile grew wider.

« Talking about personal business... » his hand showed the rampage around him « remember, Yukimura, that this is the fate of their fake demons : Surrender to the bloodlust and die like dogs. Do you really want to live surrounded by such filth ? You would be better off with your own kin. » he extended his hand towards her « Come. »

« N... No ! I won't. » she yelled.

Without quitting my defensive stance, I positioned myself in front of her, shielding her with my body. He snorted with disdain like I was nothing but a fly bothering him and adressed Chizuru once more.

« You will come. Maybe not today but you will. And you know it as much as I do. »

Kazama pulled his hand away slowly with a mischievous grin and got away, leaving behind all the deaths he was reponsible for. I finally let down my guard, taking my hand away from my sword and turned to Chizuru.

« Are you alright, Yukimura ? » I asked her.

« Yes. » she bowed « but only because you protected me, Saito. »

« I see. » I replied with a small smile.

« Inoue. » said Yamazaki « we have a problem. Some of the Rasetsu mad with bloodlust had got past us and entered the building. »

« How many casualties ? » asked Inoue, concern visible on his face.

« Not a soul. » answered the ninja « they were killed almost immediately. Our problem is... »

I heard a cough coming from the building and lifted my gaze to see Souji, his white sleeping nagajuban splattered with blood and his sword in hand, looking down on us with a smirk.

« Yare Yare... Can't we just take a nap peacefully in here ? »

« Souji ! » bursted Inoue « you are too sick to fight ! »

« Guess I'm not that ill... Cough ! Cough, Cough ! »

Souji started spitting blood on the floor again and I ran to help him out.

« Don't you dare touch me or I kill you right there ! » he yelled « just take the girl back to her room. »

I looked at the other men and they all nodded.

« Go, Saito. » said Yamazaki « I will take care of Okita. »

« Alright. » I nodded before I turned to Chizuru « let's go, Yukimura. »


	22. Reunion

I led Chizuru back to her room, or rather she led me, since I had no idea where it could be. She politely invited me in and I was happy that she did so, since I wanted to speak to her the sooner the better. There was so much to talk about... My mission, the baby, her time at Osaka, her forgiveness, my honor, the demons... the future... We didn't get much time last time I've seen her.

_So much that I want to tell you, Chizuru..._

As soon as I entered the room, she kissed me before I could even open my mouth and I felt my katana being taken off my sash, my obi loosening and my kimono falling off my shoulders.

_But... I guess talking can wait a few more minutes. _

Never would I have expected Chizuru to be bold enough to strip me like this one day and I wondered for a second if I was dreaming. Her hands were working on my entire body, getting rid of every single piece of clothing while her mouth was desperately working on mine. I started to pull on the ties of her clothes as well and parted from her lips to have a look at her face that I found flustered as expected.

« When did you become so bold ? » I asked with a smirk.

« When I spent six long and lonely months in a frozen bedding. » she answered while blowing the light.

Her voice was assured but her eyes were avoiding mines and her cheeks were getting red. A part of her was still thinking that her behavior was unacceptable and that a woman should act with more restraint. I could see it quite easily on her face.

« Don't stop. » I whispered and her boldness came back, like triggered by my words.

She kissed me with passion, her tongue seeking entrance and I let her in. Her hakama fell on the floor, followed by her obi, kimono, nagajuban and undergarment. I pushed her on the futon without breaking our kiss and came atop her, parting her legs with a knee already very close to her womanhood. My hand came to cup one of her breasts and she moaned when I squeezed it. My mouth released her lips to trail some kisses down her neck to reach the other breast and took her nipple in. She moaned again with each of my tongue movements, sucking, flickering, and her hips started pushing themselves higher to meet my body. These hips movements made it impossible to ignore her womanhood as it was reacting to my touch and rubbing against my knee.

I trailed down kisses again and snapped at the side of her hips before kissing her inner thigh, trailing up to find the object of my desire. I tasted her and she put her hands on her mouth to muffle the sound. I didn't stop her this time. I didn't know my way around those new headquarters and had no idea who her neighbors could be. It was preferable to be cautious. Her hips were moving at the same tempo than my tongue. How I missed that particular flavor... Spicy, savory... I was not far from claiming this as my favorite dish after all.

« Saito... Please » she panted « please... »

I opened my eyes to take a look at her even if I could barely see her in the obscurity, face in awe, cheeks red, eyes closed. She had a hand on her mouth and the other clenching at the sheets. As soon as she realized that I stopped my sweet torture, she opened her eyes and sat up to grab my hair and pull me back atop her. She kissed me and I saw her face change when she tasted her flavor on my lips and tongue. She didn't seem to like it as much as I was though and I almost chuckled when I saw her disgusted face. She wrapped her legs around my hips, applying pressure on them to lower my body near hers. I wanted to take care of her longer but no man in the world could resist to this kind of invitation.

« Please... » she pleaded again, whispering with a voice full of need and lust.

I entered her and she whimpered with delight. I started moving and her moans became my tempo, or was it the other way around ? Her legs wrapped around me were pushing me down in rhythm as her hips were lifting themselves to meet mine. She put her head in my neck and her arms came snaking under mines to dig her fingernails in my shoulder blades. When I sensed I was being overwhelmed by the sensations, I pulled myself out and collapsed on her, keeping my elbows as support to not put my full weight on her. She stopped clenching to me and relaxed, resting her hands on my hips and squeezing them. We stayed like this a minute, my nose in her hair, hers in my neck, her legs still wrapped around me.

« Maybe I should depart again six more months if it has this effect on your person. » I said.

« Just shut up. » she replied, scolding me « Am I making love with Saito or Okita here ? »

« I'm not sure. It's pitch black in here. » I answered with a smirk.

« Saito ! » she protested, slapping the back of my head.

I chuckled and brushed my nose against her before kissing her forehead. Only her was allowed to see this side of me. I could lower my guard in her presence, always.

« I love you. » I told her.

If there were words stronger than these ones, I would have said them since they were sounding so weak to me but I don't think any words in the world would have been strong enough to match the feeling in my heart. She kissed me and returned my words. It was different when she was the one saying them, they sounded more powerful in her voice, full of truth.

I rolled to the side and she snuggled against me.

« Wait. » I told her, embarassed.

I stood up and gave her a hand to stand as well before changing the sheets. I didn't want her to lie in... this. She stayed silent during the whole operation then, when I was finished, I laid down in the clean bedding and pulled her hand. She followed and came snuggling against me. She was shivering, probably a bit cold since winter was on its way. I held her tighter to communicate my warmth to her.

« Can we talk now that there is no more urgent needs that require my exclusive attention ? » I asked her, brushing her cheek with the tip of my fingers.

_So strong yet so fragile... Sometimes I feel like she is the strongest person I know and sometimes, I feel like she could just break in my arms... So vulnerable..._

She didn't answer my question but I felt her chuckle against me and I took it for a yes.

« Chizuru, I am so sorry that I wasn't there for you and the baby. » I confessed.

I felt her stiffen in my arms but she kissed my neck and held me tighter.

« It's not your fault. You didn't have the choice, it was a direct order. But... if you don't mind... I'd rather not speak about it... » she whispered.

I nodded. I couldn't even imagine how difficult and traumatic it could have been for her and I couldn't stop to feel guilty even if she didn't seem to resent me. I knew I made the right choice when I pulled off moments ago. She wasn't ready to go through it again so soon after the loss and I wasn't sure I was ready either. I decided to move onto a much lighter subject.

« You had a good time in Osaka ? »

« Yeah » she answered without lifting her head from my neck and her breath gave me goosebumps. « Matsumoto-sensei taught me a lot so that I can be even more useful in case of injury and not do only first aid. I also read a lot about Okita's illness to help him the better I can but he keeps refusing my help... And... I learned also about pregnancy... »

I nodded again, noticing how the last sentence had been difficult to get out.

« Did you have a good time with the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb ? » she asked me in return and I frowned.

« I dare to hope that this question isn't serious. » I answered.

« So you didn't ? » she chuckled and I realized she was making fun of me which made me frown even more.

« Of course not, it was hell. » I answered seriously « I was lucky Toudou was there to bring a little joy otherwise I would have gone insane. »

She stayed silent for a moment and I cursed myself for mentioning Toudou. He was Chizuru's closest friend and could be dying tonight.

« Do you think Heisuke's all right ? » she asked me eventually.

« Kondou-san asked Harada and Nagakura not to kill him. I'm sure they will comply with this order. » I answered but deep down I had no idea. I just hoped Toudou could make the choice that was tearing him up the day before.

We stayed silent again and held each other on the narrow futon until sleep took us. In the morning we would probably have the answer to that question.


	23. Honor

**Author note : Hey ! Sorry this chapter was a bit late but I had a very harsh iai weekend with starting at 9 am and finishing 7 pm both saturday and sunday. As you can imagine, I was totally bokken (broken, lol, my humor is as bad as Saito's... please don't throw tomatos...) for days and my all body was aching so much, especially my ams and hands, that I couldn't write :( I was happy though since for the first time, I was allowed to wield a steel katana (iaito) instead of a wooden bokken ! (So heavy to wield it all day long ! But totally worth it !) Enjoy this chapter ! I loved writing it ! **

The next morning, I woke up in Chizuru's arms. I was on the tatami and my body was aching a little but I didn't care. It was so insignificant compared to the joy of waking up next to her. I mentally asked myself to think about buying a second futon if I wanted to spend all my nights with her. I kissed her forehead and stood up to get dressed. I should have made a bit of noise though because she opened her eyes and genuinely smiled.

« Good morning » she said, sitting up.

« Good morning » I replied, bending over to kiss her.

« It's so good to have you back... » she whispered. « Don't ever leave me again. »

« I have no intent in going anywhere. » I replied, tying my obi and passing my katana inside it.

Her hand grabbed the wakizashi next to her kodachi and she handed it to me.

« I believe this is yours. » she said with a smile.

« Do I really deserve it ? » I muttered.

« This is my call to decide, not yours. You have proven yourself honorable enough to come back for me and keep your promise. It is yours once more. Your honor is untainted. »

I bowed low, as if she was my lord and me her vassal, and I took the wakizashi with both hands underneath it. She released it and I watched the sword in my palms and bowed again in respect, this time to the sword itself, before passing it in my obi next to my katana. I felt complete again.

« Thank you, Chizuru. » I whispered, seized with emotions. I took a moment before speaking again « I believe we will have a meeting this morning to speak about the events of the night. I shall go. »

« Alright » she said, tying her hair into a ponytail « I will join you with tea as soon as I am dressed. »

I nodded and exited the room, trying to find my way around the new headquarters. I wasn't mistaken, a meeting was held. I was looking forward to it even if I wasn't sure the news would be good.

The assassination of Ito Kashitaro was a success but it was the only good news. We learned that the incident of Aburano Koji where they used Ito's corpse to lure the Guardians out didn't go as smoothly as expected. The Demons of Satsuma and Choshu, Amagiri and Shiranui, showed up and made a lot of casualties in our ranks. Miki Saburo, Ito's brother, was able to run away and Toudou had been mortally wounded. Harada and Nagakura managed to bring him back alive to the compound and Sannan gave him some Ochimizu to save his life. Although Toudou consented, it really brought some tension in the headquarters especially with Nagakura who was torn between his wish to see Toudou live and his hatred of the Ochimizu. Chizuru got tea for everyone and then asked for permission to go and see Heisuke.

Inoue also made a report about Kazama's attack on our headquarters. We lost twenty-two Rasetsu in the battle, killed by the demons or by ourselves once they got mad. No human casualties though thanks to Souji but Hijikata-san couldn't stop himself from scolding him for getting out of bed.

At the end of the meeting, before everyone could stand up to exit the room, I took the opportunity to speak up.

« Kyokuchô, Fukuchô. With your permission, I would like to speak. »

Kondou-san nodded with his kind smile and I bowed respectfully to him, the man who already did so much for all of us.

« I apologize since this is probably going to be a bit longer than you all expect. I will try to make it as quick as possible so you could all go back to your duties. »

« Come on man » said Nagakura « You already said more words with this sentence than what I heard you utter in five years ! »

Everyone laughed and I sensed the tip of my ears becoming red but I kept my composure and my toneless voice.

« Kyokuchô. » I started, bowing again « when I fled my home and had nowhere to go, you offered me a roof in the Shieikan. You made me a guest in your dojo, accepting me even if I was left-handed, and I don't know if my services will ever be enough to repay you. »

I paused, searching for the right words. The eyes were wides around me. Never had I opened up my heart to Kondou-san before.

« You do not have to repay me, Saito-kun. » said Kondou-san with his kind smile. « I think I must thank you too for all the things you do for the Shinsengumi »

He bowed to me and I felt the warmth in my chest. I didn't expect Kondou-san to thank me personally.

« I renounced to my name, my lineage and my heritage to join you. I consider the Shinsengumi my family, Kyokuchô, and I live to serve it. I think we are numerous in this room to share that feeling and I will never serve a commander as proudly as I am serving you. However, today if you allow me, I do not wish to speak to you as the commander of the Shinsengumi but as a family chief. »

« I allow you, Saito-kun. » he said with his kind smile but there was something else in his eyes. Maybe I was mistaken but it looked like proudness.

I nodded and took a deep breath before throwing myself on the ground.

« Kondou-san, as head of my family, I solicit today your permission to marry. »

« Marry ?! »

The cry that erupted in the room seemed to come from everyone at once. They probably never anticipated it.

« Ara... Hajime-kun is finally doing it... » I heard Souji say but I didn't get up to meet his gaze and just waited, eyes closed, palms and nose against the tatami, for Kondou-san to open his mouth again.

« Well, that is unexpected. » laughed Kondou-san « Can we have the name of the lucky girl ? »

« Man, Kondou... » laughed Nagakura « not sure she's that lucky if she gets this one as a husband ! Poor girl is condemned to years of awkward silences ! »

« You actually know that the woman is supposed to consent, Saito ? » added Harada with a chuckle.

I held my head up under the mockery of the captains, ignoring them. I knew they meant no harm and that it was their way to show they were happy for me.

« Yukimura Chizuru. » I announced and expressions of surprise replaced the smily faces.

« Chizuru-chan ?! » yelled Nagakura.

« And... He did it ! » muttered Souji with a smirk.

Harada didn't say a thing and just nodded and smiled as if he always knew while Hijikata-san and Kondou-san were both frowning. Nevermind, I never expected this to go smoothly anyway. I was well aware of the consequences.

« Kondou-san, I apologize for asking this from you. I know I failed you and that Yukimura is under the Shinsengumi protection. It never was my intent to bring tension into the group. »

« Chizuru-chan is supposed to be with Heisuke ! » yelled Nagakura, holding his head « She's our little sister ! It's only logical she ends up with our little brother ! »

« ... Yeah... We're all just gonna ignore how obscene that last sentence sounds, Shinpachi... » said Harada, embarrassed.

« And I don't think that Chizuru-chan would choose Heisuke-kun over Hajime-kun anyway... » added Souji with his usual grin.

Nagakura turned to Souji with wide eyes and then reported his gaze on me. He stood up and grabbed the collar of my kimono, lifting me up off the ground. My feet were not touching the tatami anymore and I put my hands on his to lift my body a little more so that I wouldn't be strangled and just looked into his eyes calmly.

« What have you done to her ?! You... sneaky... silent... bastard ?! » he yelled in anger « Don't tell me you laid your hands on her ! And just a reminder, staying mute is the same as a yes ! »

I looked at his furious eyes, quiet, impassive, until I couldn't help but let a hint of a smile draw on my face.

« Fuck ! » he yelled, dropping me.

« My point, exactly. » commented Souji snidely « that's the word I was searching for... »

« Everyone just shut up and sit down ! » yelled Hijikata-san, brows furrowed.

We all sat down again and the silence invade the room once more.

« Is it true, Saito ? » he asked, piercing me with his amethyst eyes.

« Ha, Fukuchô. » I confessed, bowing in respect.

He looked at me like never he did before, furious. I waited for a punishment. I even thought he could ask me to seppuku to reestablish Chizuru's honor but Kondou-san put his hand on Hijikata-san's shoulder to calm him down.

« Saito. » he said with a kind smile « Do you love her ? »

« I do, Kyokuchô. » I answered, flustered.

« And does she return you feelings ? » he asked again.

« I... I believe she does. »

« Then in that case, if Yukimura agrees to this marriage then I give you my blessing. »

Never before have I felt happier in my whole life. I was permitted to marry Chizuru at last. This would reestablish her honor even if she had been spoiled before the wedding. And mine would be untainted as well since I kept both my promises : come back for her and marry her. I had a feeling that Kazama Chikage would probably no be thrilled with the idea but I didn't care. Chizuru was not his to take.


	24. Demand

« Alright then » continued Kondou-san « can someone go and fetch Yukimura, please ? »

« I'll go ! » said Souji, standing up.

« Thank you, Souji. » he replied with a smile.

« Kondou, is this really necessary ? » asked Harada with an understanding smile « I'm sure the both of them would rather talk about it in private. Chizuru-chan has no idea, right Saito ? »

I shook my head to deny. It was the right thing to do to ask for permission to Kondou-san before I even spoke with Chizuru. How would I have looked like if she accepted and Kondou-san forbade it ?

« Yukimura is still without any news from her father and she has no other family. » said Kondou-san with authority « She is under my protection and I will be witness that she actually consent to this marriage. »

« Ara ? You really think Hajime-kun could force himself on her without her consent ? » asked Souji, lifting an eyebrow.

« It has nothing to do with this, Souji. » explained Kondou-san « it is costumery for both families to come to an agreement. Saito asked me to represent him and Yukimura is under my care therefore I represent her too. If she agrees to marry you, Saito-kun, I'll give you both my blessing »

I nodded and stayed put. I felt a rock in my chest filled with anxiety. It reminded me of when I started to have feelings for Chizuru and wouldn't confess to her. Could there be a chance that she opposes that marriage ? I didn't think she would but now that the question had to be asked, there still was a hint of doubt.

« So... I go ? » asked Souji.

« Yes, please, Souji. » answered Kondou-san.

I turned to Souji who had his usual grin painted across his face and I couldn't stop myself but to warn him.

« Souji. No snide comments. » I said firmly.

« Yare Yare, Hajime-kun... Who do you think I am ? » he replied and his grin grew wider.

I just kept looking at him and he finally sighed to mark his disappointment before exiting the room.

« Fine. I'll be a perfect gentleman. » he said as he closed the shoji.

Silence invade the room once more. Harada and Inoue were the only ones to smile to me and I could sense the stares of disapproval of both Nagakura and Hijikata-san. The latter was still frowning when he opened his mouth again, breaking the silence.

« How long have you been involved with her, Saito ? » he asked in a commanding voice.

« I apologize, Fukuchô, but the answer to that question depends of your definition of involvement. » I answered calmly, bowing to my superior.

« When did you claim her ? » he specified, frowning even more.

« I believe it was last winter, Fukuchô. » I admitted.

« A year ?! » he said with anger « and you left her in dishonor all this time ?! »

I stayed silent. I knew he was right and that no justification could ever be enough for this kind of dishonorable behavior.

« How long have you been involved with her romantically ? » asked Harada, curious.

I looked at Hijikata-san, wondering if I had to answer this one but he just looked at me with furious amethyst eyes.

« Three summers. » I answered again.

Harada let out a long whistle and I knew he already made the connection with the Gion festival and the yukata I bought with his help. He turned to Hijikata-san and genuinely smiled.

« See, he waited a long time before claiming her. I'm sure Saito didn't have any wicked intentions. »

« That is correct, Fukuchô. » I explained again « It was a moment of weakness. It had always be my intent to marry her before I spoil her. Now, I want to take my responsibilities. »

« Come on, Toshi » said Kondou-san « Don't tell me you never claimed a virgin, I won't believe you. »

Hijikata-san furrowed his brows even more then let out a long sigh and his expression soften.

« It's not the same. No one cares about the virginity of commoners and farmer girls... Yukimura is the daughter of a doctor that depends directly from the Bakufu... Plus, judging by the recent events, she is from an illustrious clan... But I guess that if Saito is indeed taking his responsibilities then no harm is done. »

« Thank you, Fukuchô. »

At that moment, Souji came back in followed by Chizuru but surprisingly, also by Toudou and Sannan.

« What are you both doing here ? It's morning already, you should be sleeping. » asked Hijikata-san.

« Okita-kun asked us to come for the meeting. He said there were very important informations to share. » replied Sannan with a smile.

« You really had to bring Heisuke, you sadistic fuck ? » muttered Nagakura and Souji just smirked in return.

« All right, it's a good thing. » said Kondou-san « this way, everyone is here. Good job Souji. Now, everyone sit down. »

Everyone obeyed and Chizuru took her place at the back but Kondou-san stopped her.

« Yukimura, come forward and sit in front of me, please, next to Saito-kun. » he ordered.

She obeyed and took position next to me, facing Kondou-san. She bowed to him and waited for the instructions or informations that Kondou-san had for her.

« Yukimura, Saito-kun has expressed his desire to marry you. Do you consent ? » he said with his kind smile.

I would have loved to ask her myself but this was protocol and I had to submit to it. Anyway, I guess it was easier to have Kondou-san asking the question for me. I would probably have stuttered like an idiot and blushed, and she would have laughed.

Chizuru oppened wide eyes and turned to me in disbelief. I nodded with a small smile. The rock became heavier in my chest, gaining weight with every second of silence. Her mouth was agap and I never saw her face as red as it was in this instant. Her eyes although wide, were sparkling like never before, showing her joy.

« Yukimura ? » asked Kondou-san again.

Chizuru turned to Kondou-san, realizing that an answer was expected from her and that all the eyes of the room were directed towards her in anticipation.

« I... I... « she stuttered with a flustered face, looking all around her in panic.

I extended my hand to put it on hers, resting on her thigh and she seemed to calm down a little. She eventually closed her agap mouth and flashed me the biggest smile ever when she answered.

« I consent ! » she said with excitement.

The rock in my chest vanished as soon as she uttered those words and I smiled to her in return. My hand on hers closed, sealing that she was soon to be officially mine.

« Come on, Saito ! » yelled Nagakura, his anger forgotten « What are you waiting for ?! Just kiss her for gods's sake ! »

I looked at Kondou-san and he chuckled while nodding. I turned to Chizuru again and felt my cheeks becoming as red as hers. Never before had I kissed her in public. It just felt... wrong ? No, that wasn't the right word... But I felt my shyness coming back like a wild horse. I leaned over to kiss her with restraint, just a small one, and I parted from her lips almost immediately. Everyone laughed gently, without any mockery and that was it. Kondou-san gave us his benediction. I couldn't wait to marry her.

« All right, everyone can go now. » said Kondou-san and people started to stand up.

« Kyokuchô. » I said « There is one more thing. »

« Five years of silence and now he won't shut the fuck up... » muttered Nagakura, complaining whiie sitting down once more.

« What is it, Saito ? » asked Kondou-san with a smile but also a bit of annoyance.

« I would like to request to make my relationship public amongst the Shinsengumi and allow Chizuru to dress as a woman. »

« No. » said Hijikata-san firmly « the code of conduct forbids girls into the compound. Yukimura will still have to pretend to be a man. »

« With all due respect, Fukuchô, no one in the compound is fooled by her disguise. There are a lot of gossips about her and mostly, they think she is your mistress. Or worse according to other men. Making my marriage public could calm these rumours that are tarnishing both Chizuru's honor and yours. »

I paused to let the information sink in and Hijikata-san frowned while Chizuru hid her red face.

« What do you mean, worse ? » he eventually asked.

« Forgive my words, Fukuchô, but they believe she's a prostitute that you keep for your own use. Toudou can attest that I am telling the truth. »

I tried to say it as politely as possible and avoid the words I heard so many times before at the Guardians's headquarters. Whore. Slag. Slut. But even without those words, my sentence was sounding so dirty that I was feeling ashamed of myself.

Hijikata-san looked at Toudou who confirmed my words. He sighed and exchanged a look with Kondou-san before speaking again.

« Give us a few days to think about it. Now everyone dismiss. »


	25. Haori

Toudou joined the Rasetsu corp as expected as second of Sannan. The captains also told me that the young man was tasked with keeping an eye on his superior. Sannan still had his sanity but he had been acting strangely lately. He wasn't giving full report of his night rounds and was often wandering around with hungry eyes. It seemed that coping with the bloodlust was starting to get difficult and we feared that Sannan would soon reach his limit after three years of intense internal battle which was already far above average for a Rasetsu. Chizuru told me that he was working on a better version of the serum and on a medecine for the bloodlust but I highly doubted that it would be effective. The Ochimizu was a curse and now, with what happened to Toudou, I feared it would take us all, in the end.

Apart from the Aburano Koji incident, the political situation was stable although tensed. The Shogunate had troops stationed not far from Kyoto and they were far more important than the imperialists ones. The Echos of the second Choshu expedition were bad. The Choshu, joined by Satsuma, had crushed the shogunate forces completely and that gave a lot of confidence to the Kyoto imperialists. Checkpoints were installed to check on all the people getting in or out of Kyoto to find any weapons or secret messages.

I was in the courtyard as usual, repeating my iai moves under a lot of hostile gazes. The men weren't trusting me anymore, thinking that I was a traitor. I knew this would happen when I accepted the mission in the first place and I just chose to ignore them. With time, things would get better and anyway, nothing could taint my happiness these days. I was back in the Shinsengumi, with my comrades, under the orders of a commander I deeply respect and I've been granted the right to marry Chizuru. Amongst the scorned gaze though, a familiar face stepped out to join me.

« Tetsuya. » I saluted my former second.

« Kumichô. » he bowed « It's good to have you back. »

« I am not your captain anymore Tetsuya but I thank you for welcoming me back. I am also pleased to be a part of the Shinsengumi once more. » I bowed in return, putting my sword back into its scabbard.

« Kumichô, you will always be my captain. With your consent, I shall go and ask Kondou-san the right to resign from my position as captain of the third division of the Shinsengumi. That position is yours. »

« You earned it. » I replied calmly.

« I am not enough of a fool to think that I would ever have got it if you were still around. My position is only due to your departure and the faith you always put in me. Now that you are back, I feel like an impostor. »

I didn't reply. I didn't know yet if I would be given back a unit, be under the orders of another captain or maybe join the Watch. Only thing I knew was that Tetsuya was a capable man and a good strategist and that his position was well deserved.

« Kumichô » he continued « My... The third division is going on a round. We would be honored to have you join us and wear the blue haori once more. »

I looked into his eyes and saw that his proposal was genuine. He really would like to have me going on round with him. I was blessed to have so much loyalty in my men.

« Alright. » I nodded « but you will call me Saito. I am no captain. »

He bowed and we both went to take our Haori. Before putting it on, I brushed my hand on the fabric. This Haori represented everything I believed in. Kondou-san, the Bakufu, the warrior way, honor... and « Makoto » on the back, sincerity. I put it on and joined the ranks under Tetsuya's command. Most faces were familiar but there also were a few new ones.

We started walking in the streets behind Tetsuya until he turned to us.

« Kum... Saito. Please, step out of the rank and walk by my side. It really makes me uncomfortable to have you behind me. »

I nodded and joined him at the head of the column. It was a direct order from a captain and therefore, I obeyed without question. I first took position amongst the men to show Tetsuya that I considered him the leader of this division but if it was disturbing him so much that he wasn't alert, there was no point. I felt him relax once I took position at his right, to not outrank him. I saw him hesitate, probably feeling that I would be more in my place at his left but he didn't say anything.

We walked quietly in the streets of Kyoto. I was glad to see that my former unit was still as disciplined as when I left. They were walking in rank and in silence, alert. I was proud to see that my second really managed to keep them so controlled.

« You did a good job, Tetsuya. » I praised him in my toneless voice « the discipline of this division reflects on your leadership. »

« To be fair, K.. Saito » he replied, embarrassed « I think they all want to impress you. »

Without stopping to walk, I turned around briefly and what I saw in the gaze of my former men nearly overwhelmed me.

Proudness. Loyalty. Trust. Devotion.

« I know that you must face a lot of animosity at the headquarters. » continued Tetsuya « but this antipathy comes from men who don't know who you really are. I think I can speak for all of the third division when I say that we want you back. »

I nodded. I always have been severe with my men and expected nothing less than the best from them. Still, they wanted me back. I was blessed with their loyalty.

We finished the round in silence and I put the blue haori back where it belonged, with the rest. I would probably ask Hijikata-san to join the third unit once more. Why not under Tetsuya's leadership.


	26. Hajime

November 1867

I got permission to quit my provisional room and put my belongings in Chizuru's as long as I was discreet and that the men didn't see me. The commander said to me that there was no point in parting us before the wedding since we already had been together and he even said that I wouldn't have listened to him anyway. That wasn't true. If he had given me the direct order to stay in my room every night, I would have complied. He was my commander. I think what he truly wanted was someone to look after her even at night with all the recent events with demons and Rasetsu. She wasn't safe.

My life amongst the Shinsengumi was still difficult. My former unit was happy to have me back, even Tetsuya said he would resign to give me back my position, but they were the only ones. There were a lot of men thinking that I actually left the Shinsengumi to join Ito, then betrayed my new master when I sensed the wind change direction. Chizuru scolded me, saying that I shouldn't let them talk like that and that I should set them straight but I refused. I would rather stay silent than tarnish the commanders's honor. Especially after they granted my wish to marry her.

I was coming back from a late meeting and Chizuru was already in bed. The meetings were getting later now that we had two captains Rasetsu who needed to rest during the day. I opened the shoji silently, removing my sandals and I put the package I had in hand next to the entrance. I knew already that she wasn't sleeping since the light was on inside. She was in bed, reading a book, and I got closer to have a look.

« What are you reading ? » I asked, curious.

« It's a thesis about prolonging the life of patients suffering from tuberculosis. » she answered, showing me the book.

I frowned, unable to read the signs on the book. That wasn't japanese.

« It's in portuguese. » she explained, noticing my concern « my dad taught me how to read it when I was a kid and a lot of books are in this language when it comes to western medecine. I learned a bit of french too at Osaka but not enough to read in it... »

« You are full of surprises... » I muttered.

I had no idea that Chizuru could speak and read portuguese. Looking at the book, it seemed so difficult. The letters were all the same everywhere. How could they give sense to that ? Kanji were so much easier. One idea, one kanji. Simple. She explained that it was a bit like our hiragana but I couldn't imagine reading something only in hiragana. It would be so messy...

She closed her book and reported her attention on me, smiling. I needed to talk to her but I didn't know where to start and she noticed it.

« What's wrong ? » she asked, concerned.

« Nothing. » I answered, sitting in seiza next to her and she sat up as well « I need to talk to you. »

« Is it about the meeting ? » she asked.

« It is. » I nodded « I have been given a mission. Sakamoto has been assassinated. »

« Sakamoto-san ?! » she repeated, shocked « but why ? »

« We believe that the Mimawarigumi did it but the remaining on the Guardians spread rumours in town that Miura Kyutaro of Kishu has hired the Shinsengumi and that Harada put the sword in him. They made false evidence and said they found Harada's scabbard on the crime scene. »

« But... That doesn't make any sense ! Harada uses a spear ! » she frowned.

« He still wears a wakizashi like us all. Guardian of the honor, remember ? » I corrected « but you are right, he didn't do it. »

« So... What is your mission ? » she asked with apprehension.

I brushed my fingers on her cheek and brought the package near the futon.

« I have been assigned to protect Miura undercover day and night. He stays at Tenma-ya... »

« So you are already going to leave when you just came back ?! » she cut me, heartbroken. « When ? How long this time ?! »

« I believe you misunderstood. » I corrected « We are going together. »

« I... I don't follow... » she confessed.

« You are coming with me. It's a direct order. »

« Don't get me wrong... I'm happy to go with you but... Did Hijikata-san agree to this ? Why ? »

« There are a few reasons. First, my reputation is quite tainted right now and Kondou-san fears that some of the men could want to settle things with me in a bloody way. Not that I would be in danger whatsoever but we cannot afford to have our ranks lowered with dead or injured men. Second, Hijikata-san wants to get you away for a while. He still doesn't know how to cope with the Code of Conduct, your reputation and his. And our marriage, obviously. Third, I promised you once that I would never leave you again. And you should know now that I am always true to my words. »

She jumped out of bed and wrapped her arms around my neck. Caught off guard, I had a small hesitation before closing mines on her.

« Thank you, Saito ! » she said in my neck, getting my ponytail out of the way with her nose.

« Chizuru, it's an undercover mission. You won't be allowed to call me Saito. » I felt my ears become red and I sighed before speaking again « And... Since we are going to be married soon, I guess it would be acceptable for you to call me by my forename... If... If you are willing to... »

I couldn't believe I finally asked it. I wanted it for so long but I kept patient since she never spoke to me about it and with our secret relationship, I was afraid she could just slip my forename in front of witnesses. She got her head out of my neck and rested her hands on my shoulders, plunging her gorgeous chestnut eyes in mines.

« Then... Hajime ? » she said shyly.

Warmth invade my chest when my name got out of her lips for the first time. I felt like it was a commitment even more powerful than marriage. My name belonged there. I was hers. I held her tighter, bringing her on my lap, legs parted by my body and kissed her deeply. I noticed she wasn't wearing any underwear under her sleeping nagajuban and put all my volition into ignoring this fact to finish our conversation.

« This is for you. » I said, picking up the package on the floor.

« What is it ? » she asked.

_A pony._

I stayed still and waited for her to open it. It was a kimono and a obi, more suitable for winter than her yukata and I wasn't sure she had any women clothing for the cold. It was very simple with a small plum patern on the bottom and the sleeves. The rest was solid salmon and the obi was a darker shade of orange with dots on it to match the plums. Of course, Harada had been the one helping me choose. The only thing he asked in return was to pick out both my attire and Chizuru's for our wedding party. I accepted gladly since I knew he would choose something appropriate. I wouldn't know how to do it myself anyway.

« It's beautiful, Saito... » she whispered in admiration before realizing her mistake « I mean Hajime. »

It was true that even if it was simple, I didn't choose a low quality one and I was glad she had the eye for it.

« Can I try it on ? » she asked me.

« You will wear it starting tomorrow but if you want to, be my guest. » I answered.

She looked at it and brushed her fingers on the fabric before putting it to the side.

« I think it can wait until tomorrow. Thank you, Saito. » she said with a smirk.

« It's Hajime. » I whispered, getting closer to her lips.

She kissed me again and pulled on my neck to lower me atop her on the futon. I agreed. It could indeed wait until tomorrow. And I had all night to make sure she remembers my name.


	27. Miura

I woke up pretty early in the morning and went to help Inoue with the breakfast. He was still the first up every day, rising with the sun. Nagakura and Hijikata-san joined a bit later. Last one up was Harada. It was a bit strange to be back but to share a meal without Nagakura and Toudou fighting over the food. I was forgetting often that Toudou was a Rasetsu now... I wondered if the Ochimizu would eventually claim us all in the end...

Chizuru joined at the same time Harada did. She was breathtaking, even without makeup. Her natural beauty was glowing in this salmon kimono and she arranged her hair into a large top bun. I realized how she changed since the day I saw her in the yellow yukata when we went together at the Gion festival, three summers ago. At that time, she tied her obi in a asagao musubi knot, suitable for little girls and I remembered thinking that she wasn't that young. She was still a girl back then but now, she was a woman.

« Chizuru-chan you look so cute ! » said Nagakura when he saw her « Heisuke would fall head over heals in love seeing you like this ! » he tapped my shoulder and I nearly spitted my morning tea, coughing « a pity you prefer this lone wolf. »

I glared at him with icy eyes and Chizuru became red. Nagakura and Harada laughed together until Hijikata-san asked them to calm down with a frown.

« Just joking, Hijikata ! » said Nagakura « I'm happy for the both of them. They're two lucky ones to have found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. »

« Thank you, Nagakura » said Chizuru, polite.

« You'll have to take good care of him, Chizuru-chan. » he added.

« I can take care of myself. » I eventually said, annoyed, sipping my tea without even looking up.

Nagakura chuckled and whispered loudly without any discretion.

« Be careful, Chizuru-chan, he may not give you tall sons but he'll sure give you stubborn ones. »

I put my chopsticks down, not enjoying to be the subject of mockery and stood up.

« Thank you for the meal. Chizuru, when you are ready, you'll find me in the courtyard. »

« Alright Sajime » she answered and her face became flustered when she realized how her tongue slipped. « I... I mean, Hajime. »

I got out and got in the courtyard to repeat my sword moves. In the Tenmaya, I probably wouldn't have enough space so it was better to do it now while I could. Chizuru joined me shortly with her belongings and we departed for the Tenmaya. I registered as Fujita Hajime and his wife Fujita Chizuru, coming from Edo and staying at Kyoto for business. The owner led us to our room, next to the one of Miura, and left us.

« Make yourself comfortable. » I said to Chizuru « I will go and pay my respects to Miura. »

She agreed and started unpacking while I exited the room to join the next one.

« Miura-dono ? » I asked.

« Come in. » he replied and I opened the shoji to get inside his room.

Miura Kyutaro of Kishu was a very tall man. His dark hair were worn as a chonmage, showing that he was a samurai even if he wasn't wearing any swords. He was wearing a blue striped kimono with three kamon, his family crest. He was young, maybe only a few years older than me and I was surprised since I expected him to be much older. The commanders told me that he was unable to fight, that was why I had to protect him in case of any Tosa revenge against him for the murder of Sakamoto Ryouma.

« Miura-dono. » I bowed « it is a great honor to be assigned to your protection. »

« The honor is mine. » he bowed in return « I'm sorry to put such a burden on your shoulders. »

« There is no such thing, Miura-dono. »

« You're Shinsengumi ? » he asked, showing me the table where were disposed a sake bottle and two cups.

« Ha. » I nodded, sitting down with him.

« What is your name ? »

« I go by Fujita Hajime, Miura-dono. »

« You go by ? » he chuckled « what a polite way to say that you won't give me your actual name. »

I stayed silent and he filled the cups of sake.

« Kampai, Fujita-san. » he told me before emptying his cup.

I drank mine with more restraint and he filled back the two cups. I noticed that like me, he was using his left hand for every task, keeping the other on his thigh.

« You are left-handed. » he told me before I could ask anything.

« Ha. » I answered.

« I've heard about a captain of the Shinsengumi that is also left-handed. » he said with a smile « He's said to be merciless. And a redoutable swordsman. Being placed under his protection would be a great honor. But I guess you will do, Fujita-san.»

I didn't answer. This guy's mind was sharp. No wonder he was the kind of man to make enemies.

« I notice you are left handed too, Miura-dono. Not very common for a samurai. »

He chuckled and put his right hand on the table. It was missing three fingers. I understood now why Miura couldn't wield a sword.

« Unfortunately, I was born right-handed like most people but I guess the gods changed their minds along the way. Now I use my left with as much ease as the right. »

I doubted the gods had anything to do with this. These fingers were obviously cut by a blade. Nonetheless, I didn't ask any questions. He didn't seem to be the type of man to answer them anyway. My cup finished, I stood up and bowed again.

« If you need my services, Miura-dono, I'll be in the room next door. » I said « and if you need any errands of some kind, you can ask my wife. She is next door as well. »

« A Shinsengumi warrior with a wife, uh ? » he replied playfully.

« That is correct. Fujita Chizuru. »

« Alright then, I look forward to work with you, Fujita Hajime-san. »

I exited the room, wondering what kind of man was this Miura Kyutaro. Maybe he did command the assassination of Sakamoto after all... But that wasn't my business anyway. My only job was to guard him and I would comply, because that was what was expected of me.


	28. Tenmaya

Days at the Tenma-ya were peaceful. Miura wasn't asking anything from me and there were no altercations whastsoever. I couldn't leave the inn though and I sometimes felt like a prisoner. Chizuru had more luck, she was making a lot of errands for Miura and myself and was also carrying all my missives to the Shinsengumi. A woman wasn't raising any suspicion in the street.

Being locked in here didn't have any incidence on my morning routine. I was still practicing my moves everyday even if I didn't have any space for it. I practiced them siting in kisa and was just half-unsheathing and sheathing repeatedly, practicing my speed. I was also meditating afterwards to calm my spirit everyday.

Eyes closed, I was focusing on my steady breath and the movements of my lungs in my chest, trying to empty my mind and ignore my surroundings, especially a very annoying body wiggling next to me.

« You do not have to meditate with me, you know. » I sighed, keeping my eyes shut.

« But I want to. » she replied and I could imagine the pout on her face as if I was directly looking at it.

« Then stop moving that much and focus. »

« How do you know I'm moving ? » she asked.

« The noise, your respiration, the movements of the air... and now that I can sense your breath in my direction, I can decipher quite easily that your eyes are open. » I answered calmly.

She didn't answer, which only proved that I was right. She steadied for a little while and I was nearly able to regain my focus before she started wiggling again.

« Alright. That's enough. » I sighed, opening my eyes.

I stood up and went to the desk to work on some paperwork for Hijikata-san. When Chizuru would be out, I would probably try again in an environment with more... serenity... I just hoped it would pass and that she would get bored and stop trying to meditate with me. She was too energetic to be efficient.

I scribbled on the paper and found some peace of mind in it. I could focus on the sound on the brush on the paper. I wrote a full report for Hijikata-san and sealed it before handing it to Chizuru.

« Can you bring this to Hijikata-san, please ? » I asked.

« Alright. Now ? » she asked, already ready to go.

I envied her to be able to get out. Tenmaya was a fine inn but it couldn't compare to the fresh air. We were in november now and I missed the winter wind. I always felt like it was so cold it could clean even my bones and soul.

« As you wish. There is also this. For Harada. » I told her, giving her another envelope.

« What is it ? » she asked, curious.

« Money. For our attire. » I explained.

« You mean for the wedding ? » she asked.

« Ha. Harada is going to choose. » I continued calmly « and I got a lot of money from the Bakufu recently so I don't want Kondou-san to spend a single coin for us. »

She looked at the envelope in her hand, pensive.

« Do you have any preference ? » I asked.

« What do you mean ? » she replied, confused.

« For the wedding. Do you want a religious ceremony at a temple ? Maybe shinto ? Zen ? Or would you rather have a party ? »

« Can I... think about it ? » she asked.

I nodded. But her confused face made the doubt invade my heart. We spent some days in high proximity lately and maybe she was starting to think that she was doing a mistake. Maybe she was starting to realize that that wasn't the life she aspired to. I turned to her and put her hands in mines.

« Chizuru, pardon me for being straightforward but... Do you really want to marry me ? » I asked, feeling the rock in my chest coming back and growing « I know the question of Kondou-san was impressive and maybe you felt trapped into the necessity of agreeing to this marriage but if you are not willing to, you do not have any obligations towards me. »

« No ! I mean... Yes ! Yes, I want to marry you, Hajime. » she stuttered.

« Are you sure ? » I asked again.

« Yes, I am sure. You are the man I love and I want to spend my life with you. » she confessed, leaning forward to kiss my cheek.

« Then what is it ? » I asked, noticing that something was indeed bothering her.

She hesitated, moving uneasily and avoiding my gaze before eventually telling me the reason of her concerns.

« Can I go with Harada ? » she asked me.

I escaped a small laugh. So that was it ? She just wanted to choose her wedding attire ? She should have told me from the start.

« Of course you can. It is your wedding. » I told her before kissing her. « Besides, I don't need your presence today. »

I opened the cupboard and gave her a bit more money.

« For your hair. » I said and she wrapped her arms around me.

« Thank you, Hajime ! » she said « then, I will go with Harada today ! Can I choose yours, too ? »

I frowned, a bit scared. I didn't know what were Chizuru's tastes in men's clothing and I was totally trusting Harada to choose something appropriate.

« You can help Harada. » I eventually said « but the final choice is his. »

« Alright. » she chuckled « that is already more than I expected. »

She grabbed both letters and headed out after wishing me a nice day.

A nice day... What nice day can you have when you're duty bound to stay inside ? I resumed to meditate now that there were no more distractions and I was a lot more effective than earlier. Miura came to ask me to get a drink with him downstairs and I agreed. The salon was lively with a lot of customers and I enjoyed Miura's company a lot. That man wasn't only sharp, he was educated and interesting. I spent most of the afternoon drinking and listening to his stories although I wasn't sure half of them were true. Chizuru came back in the late afternoon and she joined us with a tea, following Miura's invitation, but she was a bit uncomfortable and so, I excused us so we could go back to our room.

« Did you find something you like ? » I asked her eventually, curious.

« Yeah ! I found something perfect ! » she answered with excitement « Harada is having it tailored and will keep it until the wedding. »

I was a bit upset not to be able to see the fabric she chose but I guess a little surprise wasn't bad. She also told me that she thought about what I said earlier and that a ceremony wasn't that important and that she'd rather do a party at the headquarters. I was relieved. It was also my preference but I didn't wanted to force things on her. We would held the party at night and maybe go to a temple in the morning if we had time, only the both of us, to be blessed. That was perfect.

« By the way, Hajime... » she told me embarrassed « I saw Sannan... and he asked for my help. »

« For what purpose ? » I asked, cautious.

« For his researchs on the Ochimizu. »

« No. » I said firmly.

« But... It's only to review books ! He knows I can read portugese and he thinks we can find some informations in western books since the Ochimizu comes from the West. It can help Heisuke ! »

« Chizuru... » I sighed « Sannan is a Rasetsu. We don't know when he could become mad. It's too dangerous. »

« But I heal ! And I can run ! And there are still all the others who can help me ! » she pleaded and I saw how much it meant to her.

« Fine. » I surrendered « but you only read books and you never stay alone with him, alright ? And same goes for Toudou. He's a Rasetsu too, now. »

« Thank you, Hajime ! » she said, glowing « Sannan said that maybe we could save Heisuke's life ! And Okita's too ! »

_I highly doubt it..._

But I kept this thought to myself. I just hoped that Chizuru wasn't putting herself in a dangerous situation.


	29. Yamaguchi

I sighed, completely lost, and Chizuru came holding my neck from behind.

« What are you doing ? Another report ? » she asked, curious.

« Not this time. » I answered calmly « it's the form for the marriage. »

« And what makes you sigh that much ? » she asked again, breathing in my neck.

I detached her hands and frowned. I was too concerned to be in the mood for proximity.

« My name. » I answered.

« What do you mean ? » she asked while coming to sit next to me, puzzled.

« It's asking for my birth name. I don't want to put Yamaguchi. But if I put Saito, could it be possible that our marriage is cancelled ? » I muttered more for myself than for her.

« Yamaguchi ? » she asked again « your name's not Saito ? »

I escaped my thoughts and reported my gaze on her. It was true that the subject never had been brought up before. I hadn't even thought about it.

« I was born Yamaguchi Jirô. » I explained « when I was eighteen, I killed an Hatamoto by accident and there was an official bounty on my head. I fled my home and changed my name to Saito so that I would not be recognized. »

« Then... » she said after thinking for a while « I guess it's better to put Saito, no ? It's safer. I don't want any bounty hunters after my husband. »

I felt my cheeks heat when she said the word « husband ». How could the same word be so different on this form and in her mouth ?

« But... What if my real name is discovered ? Mrs Saito wouldn't exist officially if there is no M. Saito... » I muttered again, looking back at the paper which was driving me insane.

She stood up and arranged her hair in a bun with hairpins. I turned to her once more.

« You're leaving ? » I asked.

« Yeah, I saw Sen last time and she offered to join me for lunch. You don't mind ? »

« Of course I don't. You don't need my permission to see friends. » I said, reporting my attention on the paper again.

« If you need anything, we're just downstairs. » she said « and you're welcome to join us if you feel like it. »

I nodded and off she went. I knew already that I wouldn't join them and would just have a meal brought in the room for me. It's not that I didn't like Sen... Apart from the first time in the street, I haven't seen her. I didn't know her and therefore, couldn't dislike her. It's just that I believed Chizuru needed some time alone with another woman, talk about girl things, do girl things... She has been in the Shinsengumi for three years, dressed as a man and doing chores. Not sure it was something very fun for a girl of her age. She deserved a proper friendship. Plus, it seemed like Sen was a demon too, according to Chizuru, and maybe it was good for her to learn more about her kin...

For the moment, I only noticed two major differences with normal humans : her healing abilities and the way her eyes could lit with a golden light when she was overwhelmed with pleasure. I wasn't sure there was anything more in « being an Oni » but the more knowledge she could have on her kin, the better it could be. Maybe it could even help us defeat Kazama Chikage if he ever tried to get to her again.

I ordered some lunch in the room and waited for it while writing to Hijikata-san. According to Yamazaki, the Tosa were preparing a punitive expedition against Miura as expected. I was asking Hijikata to allow me to gather more men in the Tenmaya, at least at night, to ensure Miura's safety.

I heard some footsteps in the stairs and expected it to be the tray for my lunch but nothing prepared me to the tornado barging in the room.

« Saito-san ! You can't do this ! » yelled Sen with eyes burning with anger.

« Good morning, Sen-san » I replied, keeping my composure and my toneless voice.

« It's Sen-_hime_ for you, Saito-san. » she said with the same arrogance that reminded me of Kazama. « I am a princess of the Yase clan and you will adress me as such ! »

« As you wish, Sen-himesama. » I said, still calm.

_Are all demons that arrogant or am I just meeting only the worst of them ? It seems like I'm going to be the one with trouble with my step family... In comedies, it's always the spouse suffering her step-mother..._

« Better. » she said, holding her chin high like a real princess used to command « as I said, you can't do this. »

« Hajime ! » yelled Chizuru, running towards us « I'm sorry ! I couldn't stop her from coming up ! »

« I see. » I said, already annoyed by the Oni « what can't I do, Sen-himesama ? »

« You can't strip Chizuru from her name. » she said firmly, fists on her hips.

« Because I am human ? » I said in my toneless voice even if the annoyance in me was getting bigger « You'd rather have her marry a pure breed demon like Kazama Chikage ? »

« Pure blood, not pure breed. Gosh, we're not animals... » she sighed « and you can marry her if she agrees, that's not any of my concerns. But you can't take her name away. »

I stayed silent, not following. Why couldn't she take my name ?

« The Yukimura clan of the east was the most powerful demon clan. Only challenged by the Kazama clan of the west. » she explained, a bit calmer but still with a commanding voice filled with authority. « If Chizuru renounce her name, then all the Yukimura clan dies with it as she is the only surviving demon with that particular name. It is an illustrious name and I won't allow it to die. »

« I see. » I simply said, understanding the point Sen was trying to make.

« You can marry her if you wish and rebuild the Yukimura clan but YOU'RE taking her name, not the other way around ! » she ordered.

I frowned. Never would I have imagined taking the name of my spouse. It wasn't the way things were done. As a man, I could have changed name if I was adopted, even as an adult, like Ito for example. But changing my name by marriage ? Taking the name of my spouse ? That was not the way things worked.

« Sen... » objected Chizuru « Is it really that important ? »

« It is. » she answered firmly, showing that she wasn't open to discussion « You will adopt Saito-san, give him your name and then, and only then, you will marry him ! You are a princess too, Chizuru. Princess of the Yukimura Clan. And he's a... man. He has to raise himself to YOUR level. Not you get down to his. »

She looked at the both of us with arrogance and authority before addressing us once more.

« Now, I'm going to let this sink in. » she said like a mother scolding her children « when I come back, I expect you to behave accordingly. »

She turned over with the dignity of a princess and exited the room, leaving both Chizuru and I puzzled about what just happened.

« You have charming friends. » I eventually said to Chizuru.

« I'm sorry, Hajime ! » she apologized, blushing « She's usually not like that but when I told her about the difficulties you were encountering with the form, she just went berserk... »

I thought for a moment and reported my attention on the paper, still on the table.

« I guess it solves my earlier dilemma. » I said in my toneless voice.

« But... Doesn't it bother you ? » she asked, unease.

« Yamaguchi, Saito, Yukimura... It doesn't make any difference for me. The only thing that matters is for you to be my wife. » I answered, believing every words of it.

She seemed to be touched but I could see that something was wrong. She had sadness in her eyes that I couldn't understand.

« It doesn't suit you ? » I asked.

« I.. am glad that you would agree to take my name but... I'm not sure it's the right choice... »

I waited for her to organize her thoughts and explain to me why would she oppose her friend's decision.

« I understand all the legacy that there is behind my name but to be fair, until recently, I had no idea that I was an Oni... All this... About clans, princesses, demons... It just seems so foreign to me. And, my name, Yukimura... It's what makes me a target for Kazama. I don't want to be a target anymore. I don't want to live in fear that maybe some demon is going to come for me, for you, for our family just because we are Yukimura. »

She had a point. Just like I changed my name to hide, maybe it was preferable for Chizuru to do the same to escape from the demons of the west trying to tighten their grip on her.

« I'm not sure Sen-_himesama, _would be thrilled with your explanations. » I said, still in my toneless voice.

She stiffened her back and held her head high, looking at me straight in the eyes with a burning flame of volition.

« As she said, I am a princess of the Yukimura clan of the east, the most powerful demon clan. I don't think the Yase princess is in any position of ordering me around. » she said firmly and she did look like a princess.

_I guess arrogance and command are in the blood of every demon... You just have to awake the fire burning from within. _

« Never would I have expected to marry a princess. » I answered with a smirk « then... Saito it is ? »

« Saito it is. » she repeated, still with her commanding voice « and if Sen has something to say about it, I will set her straight. »

I escaped a small laugh and took the brush to fill the form for M. and Mrs. Saito. As soon as I could get out of the Tenmaya, we would take it to the Bakufu administration and be officially married.


	30. Woman

Hijikata agreed to my demand and I got a team of three to guard Miura at night since it was more likely that the Tosa would strike when it's dark, and also because even if I was trying my best to guard him day and night, I still needed to sleep a few hours sometimes, leaving him vulnerable.

Chizuru was absent most of the days now, back to the compound to help Sannan with his researchs. She was very enthusiastic on the subject and was speaking about it every evening when she was coming back to share dinner with me. She was really thinking her efforts could pay and that she could save Sannan and Toudou's life. And why not Souji's. I didn't tell her that I thought it was vain and that her hopes would probably be disillusioned.

« Fujita-sama. » I heard coming from the shoji « I believe there is a woman outside waiting for you. »

Could it be possible that Sen had returned to try to have us called Yukimura ? If that was the case, I would gladly explain to the princess where she could shove her opinion... In a more polite way of course.

I got down the stairs, following the innkeeper who showed me a woman I had never seen in my life. Another demon, maybe ? Or a mistake.

« Are you sure she asked for me ? »

« She didn't give your name but she made a rather persuasive description. From your kimono to the color of your hair and eyes. » he answered with a shrug. « Do you want me to ask her to go away, Fujita-sama ? »

I looked at the woman in her simple solid sky blue kimono and a beige obi, who was sitting at a table with a tea, eyes closed and head bent towards the cup to scent the aroma. Her long silky ebony hair cascading on her back, only tied by a kanzashi at the level of her hips was giving her silhouette a royal aura. When she noticed me, she smiled and reported her gaze on me. Two big chestnut eyes. The same as Chizuru's.

« Yuki ? » I murmured.

If it wasn't for the eyes, I would never have recognized her. The absence of makeup and hairpins was changing everything in her. Her mouth seemed smaller, her nose a bit bigger and I could see some wrinkles starting to appear on the corner of her eyes, looking like little duck palms. I was amazed how makeup could actually change a woman.

I sat with her, wondering what she could want from me. I hadn't forgotten that she betrayed me and tried to have me poisoned. Maybe I should have just got back to the room, ignoring her, but even after what she did, I still felt a kind of tenderness for this woman that I've seen for so long and had be so supportive of me. I sat in front of her and she smiled shyly. I ordered a tea and waited for her to talk.

« Sai... »

« Fujita. » I corrected.

« Fujita-han. » she started again « I am glad to see you well. »

Maybe I should have said the same to her but somehow, I couldn't. I still had no idea of what was bringing her here and I was keeping my guard up.

« Would you agree to walk with me ? » she asked in voice full of hope.

« I can't leave the inn. » I eventually said in a toneless voice without any emotions.

« I see. » she chuckled sadly « Seems like our roles have been reversed. »

The innkeeper came back with my tea and I thanked him. I took the cup in my hand to warm them and blowed slowly on it.

« I never got the occasion to... thank you... For buying my freedom. » she tried but my face remained expressionless « I would never have done it you know. » she said, her sad expression back.

« It's irrelevant. » I replied « you had the vial in hand. Your intent doesn't matter. »

« I guess... »

« What do you want, Yuki ? » I asked her, trying to get the truth out of her eyes with an icy gaze.

« I don't even know. » she confessed « Help maybe, love, forgiveness, even pity... In the end, I just want you to care... »

I did care. But I couldn't say it to her. Not after her betrayal. I could forgive but I couldn't forget and she would never have another chance, whatever my feelings towards her were. The moment you start surrounding yourself with people that had betrayed you, you're already dead even if you don't know it yet.

« You know » she continued to confess, looking at the window pensively « I think I've loved you for quite some time now. » she paused but I stayed silent « When you started to see me, it was because I was looking like the woman you loved but... You saw something else in me. You let me be myself with you and never treated me like an interchangeable oiran... And maybe you reminded me of my first love a little bit. » she chuckled « I knew I'd never have you and I didn't have any illusions but I fell for you anyway. »

Was she expecting me to tell her that I loved her too ? I didn't know. I've asked myself this question before. Maybe I did love her in a way, a long time ago. Not with the same passion that I was loving Chizuru but with tenderness for that beautiful caged bird who only wanted to spread its wings. Looking at her at this instant, she had nothing in common with the Shimabara fox I used to know. She was talking in a small voice, shy, vulnerable. I wanted to protect her but my mind was already made up. I wouldn't do anything more for Yuki.

She reached inside her sleeve and got out the wooden hairpin I bought for her years ago, the one she was always wearing at every one of our encounters, and played nervously with it, making it swirl around her fingers. I've been wondering a lot if she was putting it on to please me or if she had been wearing it on a daily basis.

« Apart from this simple kimono, it's the only thing they let me take from the Hanamado. » she explained « it's the only thing I wanted to take anyway. » a cloud passed in her gaze and she sighed before speaking again « things have been harsh, you know. Normally, a bought oiran has a man helping her out but I was left alone... Not that I didn't deserve it but... I don't know if you can imagine how it went... I had no money, no home... Life outside wasn't as exciting as I thought... » she chuckled sadly again « I even tried to get back to the Hanamado but they refused to take me back. I didn't know how to survive, I never had to work before and I didn't know how the outside world worked. I tried oiran houses, geiko... Even low-ranked pleasure house but none would take me in at my age... » she sighed again « I sell my body near the Kamo river to fishermen. They give me food for it and they helped me get a roof. » she chuckled nervously « never would I have thought that one day, I'd trade silk sheets for mud. I don't think the outside world suits me better, in the end. »

I felt sorry for her. Truly. And a little responsible too. I bought her and left her without anything. If it wasn't for me, she'd still be covered in silk and gold, eating the most refined food, reading books, dancing, playing go... Laughing... And probably still fantasizing on the world outside the window. But sometimes, a sweet lie is so much better than a terrible truth.

« Do you need money ? » I asked her.

« No. » she laughed « that's not why I came. I just wanted to see you and get the chance to speak. Just tell you that... I would never have poisoned the man I fell in love with. I just wanted you to know. » she finished her tea and stood up, bowing to me « I wish you the best with your woman, Fujita-han. Farewell. »

« Farewell, Yuki. » I said in return.

I watched her go with her sad smile. I didn't move, didn't stop her. We spent some time on the same path but now was the time of the crossroad. I reported my attention on my cup of tea and noticed she left the hairpin with the fox head. I took it in my fingers, scrutinizing it and remembering all the moments we shared. Shimabara fox...

I stood up and exited the Inn to give it back to her. Looking around me to see if Yuki was still around, I saw her a bit further, leaning against a wall. Her sky blue kimono was now covered in crimson blooming flowers of blood around her stomach. I saw the kaiken in her hand and knew there was nothing left to do. I kneeled before her and grabbed her hand.

« I... thought you couldn't get out... didn't want you to see that... » she whispered.

« Yuki... »

« Thank you. For everything you ever did for me. »

Her voice was getting weaker and the hand holding the kaiken dropped it on the floor, not strong enough anymore to hold the short blade.

« Hanamado Yuki... » she murmured « Born a farm girl. Raised an oiran. Dying a prostitute. » she chuckled with pain « Remember me as I was, not as I am now, please, Saito-han. »

« I will. » I just said.

A few seconds later, Yuki died in front of the Tenma-ya. Her corpse was removed from the street and I had no idea what would become of it. Hanamado Yuki, who never had the chance to choose anything in her life, had eventually chosen her own fate.


	31. Tosa

The next day, Miura decided to organize a banquet at Tenma-ya with friends from the Bakufu. He invited me and my three men team. I wasn't a fool enough to believe that this invitation was genuine though. He probably thought that it could be dangerous to have a party and that four men to protect him were better than one. Cautious by nature, I asked four more men to join for this banquet. There were two many Bakufu officials to take a risk. Miura didn't invite Chizuru and I was glad for it since she could have been put in danger and I asked her to stay in the room all night, where she was safe.

The banquet was very luxurious with a lot of refined food and the sake was also of great quality. Miura made things in big, with geiko entertaining his guests, music... He was so calm, relax and joyful... Who could guess he was a wanted man for the Tosa ?

While everyone was enjoying themselves, my men and I were alert. And luckily we were since the shoji of the main door exploded in splinters of wood and torn shreds of paper. A man rushed in with a sword, aiming at Miura sitting next to me. Without getting up, benefiting of all the practice of my movements in kisa, I cut him open. I don't even think he got the chance to see my blade coming his way before blood started pouring from his abdomen. He was able to reach Miura though who was wounded on his cheek and nose but the cut wasn't deep. It would only leave a scar.

The surprise over, everyone stood up and unsheathed their sword as more men entered from the broken shoji like a wave.

« Turn off the lights ! » I shouted.

Shinsengumi were used to fight in the dark and I had good hopes that the Tosa weren't. Plunged in the dark, the chaos was everywhere. We were outnumbered but as I expected, the Tosa were in difficulty in the obscurity while my men were at ease. My blade was swinging mercilessly at the enemies, fighting three adversaries at the same time. I saw from the corner of my eye another man coming in my back but I couldn't avoid his blow without giving an opening to the ones in front of me. I was fucked. Just as I thought the katana would enter my flesh, I saw Katsunoshin catch the enemy, hugging him firmly to save my life. Although heroic, his action left him defenseless and he fell on the ground, wounded or dead. I had no time to check on him.

« Someone take care of Katsunoshin, now ! Take him to Chizuru upstairs ! » I shouted, hoping that the wound wasn't too deep.

After a few minutes, the fight was over and we put the lights back. Miura had fled upstairs as soon as he could and Katsunoshin was still breathing on the ground. Two men carried him upstairs for Chizuru to help him and I checked all the rampage around. Luckily, the only dead men were Tosa's and appart from Katsunoshin, no one was wounded. When they sensed that they were overpowered, the remaining Tosa men fled without honor, leaving their fallen comrades behind. I kneeled next to a wounded enemy and since he was too hurt to be saved, I apologized before shortening his suffering.

« Kumichô. » said one of my men, coming back from upstairs. « I think there's a problem. »

« Is Katsunoshin too badly hurt ? » i asked. « Can't Chizuru do something ? »

« Hum... Yukimura... She's not there... » he said, avoiding my gaze.

I caught his kimono and forced him to look me in the eyes.

« What do you mean, she's not there ? » I asked calmly although my blood was boiling.

« She's not upstairs, Kumichô. I checked everywhere... But the window's open... »

« Keep an eye on Miura. » i ordered.

I rushed outside in the frozen wind of this november night but I wasn't cold. The blood in my veins was boiling and pumping as I ran, looking for her.

« Chizuru ! » I shouted.

« Hajime ! » I heard coming from my left and I ran even faster, making my legs burn.

I found her, gripped by a woman forcing her down the street and running with three other men. I kept running and unsheathed at the last moment, getting rid of the three men in seconds. The woman, realizing her escort was dead, stopped running probably in an attempt to escape my wrath and turned to face me.

It was Chizuru. Holding Chizuru.

I stopped in shock. The roundness of their faces, their nose, their big hazel eyes. They were like twins. If Chizuru wasn't wearing the kimono I offered her and wasn't trying to escape the grip of the other woman, I was pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to tell them apart.

« Saito Hajime. » said the woman with a voice a bit deeper than Chizuru's « This doesn't concern you. Walk away. »

It was so uncanny. Having Chizuru's face speaking to me but without Chizuru's voice. I lowered my body and put my hand on my katana, ready.

« I'm afraid it does concern me. Release Chizuru at once. » I answered calmly.

« I've been asked to bring her back. » she continued with a half smile.

« That is unfortunate. »

Chizuru was still wiggling, trying to get the grip on her hand loosen.

« Hajime ! » she called.

« Chizuru is going to rebuild the Yukimura clan. She's too valuable to let her continue to play with the Shinsengumi. We've been able to find an agreement with Kazama Chikage for her. »

« No ! » yelled Chizuru « Let me go !!! Kaoru ! »

Kaoru... So this is the woman who gave a hard time to Harada with the notice board. I understood now why he asked all these questions to Chizuru.

« So you're a demon too. » I said.

« Let go of me ! » cried Chizuru « I'm not going ! I'm not going ! »

« Release her. Final warning. » I said in my firm toneless voice.

Chizuru was crying and yelling, frightened at the only idea to be brought to Kazama. Her eyes were filled with terror as she was still trying to free herself but Kaoru had more strength and the grip wasn't loosening.

« Calm down, Chizuru. » said Kaoru with a gentle smile « Kazama will be good to you if you're obedient. The Yukimura clan will be rebuilt thanks to you, with me at its head. »

« LET ME GO !!! » yelled Chizuru and Kaoru got ejected on a nearby wall, releasing her.

I looked in shock as I saw Chizuru's hair turning white and her kanzashi fall, releasing all her immaculate hair that started floating around her as if she was underwater.

_A Rasetsu ?! Did Sannan..._

Her eyes turned golden just like I saw them frequently during our embraces, and two horns grew on her forehead, proud. Her face wasn't expressing fear anymore but a furious anger. She unsheathed her kodachi and got in front of Kaoru at a speed I wouldn't have thought she could have. Kaoru opened wide eyes, the blade on her neck.

_Not a Rasetsu... An Oni... A Goddess of Wrath..._

« I won't go. » she said in a furious commanding voice, her long white hair still floating around her « You can tell Kazama Chikage that next time he tries to get to us, we'll kill him. »

Kaoru nodded in fear and ran away as quickly as her feet could carry her. I stayed in my fighting stance, not knowing if getting close to Chizuru now would be a good idea. I was a better swordsman but... She was...

« Hajime... » she whispered and she turned to me.

Her expression was full of love and relief and I ran to her as she collapsed on the ground.

« Chizuru ! » I shouted « are you unhurt ?! »

« Hajime ! » she whispered again, throwing her arms around me and nesting her head in my neck.

I held her until she pushed me away, her scared expression back, looking at her white hairs.

« Hajime ! » she cried « My... My hair ! »

« I don't think it's the main problem, here. » I muttered, studying her features.

« What do you mean ?! » she asked, terrified, putting her hands on her cheeks, nose and... forehead...

« Chizuru... You've got... Horns... » I said as her hands discovered the two pointy mounds on her face.

« No... No... No, No, No, No, No, No... » she kept repeating, touching them with the tip of her fingers.

I kept silent, letting her adjust with the idea of having horns getting out of her forehead. Her golden eyes started crying. It was the first time I could see them that long.

« Hajime ! » she cried « I don't know how to turn back ! I don't even know if I can ! I'm a monster ! »

« You are no monster. » I said firmly « it is impressive, I grant you, but we are going to figure something out. »

I took off my scarf and wrapped it around her head to hide her hair and the horns before I lifted her up, carrying her back to the Tenmaya.

« Can you pretend to be unconscious ? You eyes could provoke quite a commotion amongst the men. » I asked.

She nodded and closed her golden eyes. The street was dark once more. I was amazed everytime how her eyes could lit even the most obscure places. I carried her back to the inn where my men had finished to secure the area.

« Kumichô ! » said Tetsuya, concerned « is Yukimura alright ?! »

« She got hit on the head but nothing that wouldn't heal. I'll get her back to our room. » I said in my toneless voice « How is Katsunoshin ? »

« He'll be a cripple but he'll survive. I performed the first aid and we were waiting for the return of Yukimura but if she can't attend to him, we'll bring him to Yamazaki. »

« Please do. » I said and I walked up the stairs to put Chizuru to safety.


	32. Monster

I lowered her on the futon and closed the shoji.

« You can open your eyes, now. » I said.

She did and a warm light invade the room. She still had her golden eyes. I crouched and removed the scarf to free her hair. They weren't floating anymore but they were still as white as snow. And the horns...

I brushed my fingers on them. They were rough and smooth at the same time... Like ivory.

« They're still there, aren't they ? » she asked, lifting her gaze to look at my hand.

« Ha. » I answered.

« What if they never go ? » she asked, panicked.

« There's no reason. » I answered, trying to calm her wih an assured voice « they weren't there before, they should disappear at some point. »

« How can you be so sure ? » she cried.

_I'm not... But telling you this wouldn't make you feel any better._

« When you eyes lit golden, they fade away after a little while. » I said to reassure her « this shouldn't be any different. »

I took away her obi and her kimono, leaving her with only her nagajuban. I pushed her gently to make her lie down and pulled the sheets on her.

« Try to sleep and we'll figure something out in the morning. If it's still there, I'll send someone get Sen, alright ? »

« Okay... » she said, frightened.

« Now, close your eyes and sleep. » I smiled at her and passed my hand on her cheek « I'll know if you open them so don't cheat. »

She chuckled nervously and nodded, and the darkness invade the room. I stayed next to her until she fell asleep. I lit a small candle to have a bit of light then went leaning against a wall to clean and oil my blade after all the blood that had splattered on it. Chizuru's breath became more relax in her sleep and I saw the horns retract to disappear completely and her hair turning back brown. I sighed in relief and went back to the oiling.

« Kumichô. » I heard Tetsuya whisper behind the shoji.

I stood up to meet him. I slid the wood panel and he glanced at Chizuru before stepping backwards to allow me to step out.

« Is Yukimura alright ? » he asked.

« Ha. She's just sleeping. » I answered and he seemed relieved « I thought I told you already not to call me Kumichô. »

« I don't think I'll ever be able to do it... » he confessed. « Miura fled. He's going to Osaka. He says Kyoto's too dangerous for him. My unit is going to get back to the headquarters since our job here is finished. »

« Ha. » I nodded.

« Are you coming too ? » he asked.

« We're going to stay for the night to make sure Chizuru gets enough rest. »

« Alright. » he bowed « by the way, Kumichô, I wanted to say that... all the unit is really happy for you. And not only the unit. It is true that we knew for quite some time that Yukimura was a woman but... We don't think the Code of Conduct applies to her. She may be a woman but she's Shinsengumi. She's our doctor. A lot of warriors owe her their lives. » he paused, uneasy, before continuing « I know what you may have heard but these gossips were spread by Ito's followers. Shinsengumi warriors have a lot of respect for Yukimura. So... If you decide to quit to be with her because of the Code of Conduct, just know that we would be honored to keep Yukimura as the Shinsengumi's doctor. »

« The decision will be the one of Kondou-san and Hijikata-san. » I replied « but I appreciate your loyalty towards her. »

« You are a good man, Kumichô. » he bowed again « and you've found yourself a good woman. I hope the both of you will stay in the Shinsengumi. We need you. »

« Thank you, Tetsuya. » I bowed.

He went away with the rest of his unit and I got back in the room to unfold my futon and lie next to Chizuru. She was looking perfectly human now. I watched at her sleeping face for a while before blowing the candle and falling asleep.

The next morning, Chizuru woke up while I was packing up everything. We had no reason to stay in the Inn now that Miura was gone. She put her hand on her forehead and searched for the horns.

« They faded as soon as you fell asleep. » I said calmly.

She looked at the floor and tears started to fill her eyes. I came closer to wipe them off, wondering why she was crying. Would she rather had kept the horns ?

« What's the matter ? » i asked, catching a tear with a finger.

« You're never gonna marry me now that I'm a monster... » she cried.

« I don't see any monster. » I said.

« Hajime... I had horns... Horns ! » she cried some more and I pulled her into my arms.

« So you heal, your eyes lit when you orgasm, which is pretty convenient for me I might add, and you get horns when you're angry. So what ? All this is irrelevant. You could have a tail, a tengu nose or spit fire and I would still love you. Because I love all of you. »

« But.. What if I hurt someone ? » she cried, returning my embrace.

« just remind me never to make you mad. »

She chuckled and calm down a bit, cuddling me like a scared little girl trying to reassure herself.

« Besides, » I added « I know humans that are monsters far worse than you are. »

« Yeah well, at least they don't have horns... » she muttered.

« I wouldn't have fallen for you if you were an ordinary girl. I think I'll never get bored a single day in this marriage. » I tried to joke and she chuckled again.

« So... you still want to marry me ? » she asked.

« Why do you think I'm up so early to pack ? » I smiled gently « I can't wait to be out of here and deposit that damn form. »

I leaned over and kiss her with all the love and tenderness I had for her. She was the love of my life and my bride to be. I couldn't wait for her to be my wife. And if that meant that we'll have some demonic children with horns one day then so be it. I wanted to have her, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of what she was.

She calmed down and helped me finish the packing. When we got down the stairs, two Shinsengumi men were waiting in blue haori.

« We're here to pick your belongings. Everyone is preparing for the party this evening. » they said and I nodded before giving them the bags.

Hands free, I took Chizuru's and we walked together in the streets until we reached the Bakufu administration to deposit our form and register as Saito Hajime and his wife Saito Chizuru. Now it was official that we were married. When we got out though, Chizuru started crying again.

« Why are you crying, Saito-san ? » I asked with a smirk.

« I don't know... » she answered, wiping the tears away « I guess it's because I'm happy... Even if Saito-san sounds so wierd ! »

« You'd better get used to it. » I chuckled « because it's your name now and I'm planning on over using it. »

« Please don't... » she blushed and I helped her get rid of the tears.

« Now, Saito-san » I added « you should maybe stop crying because I think you're awaited for a party and someone is probably going to put a sword through me if I make you cry on the first day of our marriage. »

She chuckled and kissed me. Our first kiss of husband and wife. Never had I felt happier before. All I ever wanted, all I ever needed was here in my arms.

« I love you, Saito Hajime, my husband. » she said with a smile.

« I love you too, Saito Chizuru, my wife. » I answered.

The world could have collapsed around us and we wouldn't have cared.

**Author note : The events at Tenmaya are historically accurate. Even Saito cutting down the assaillant while still seated. Just wanted you to know how badass real life Saito was. Lol**

**By the way, I just released another fanfic called Little Warriors where I will depict childhood memories of Hakuouki characters. First chapter is of course Saito Hajime :) (me obsessed ? Never !) second one will probably be Okita or Kazama, not sure yet. If you step across this fic, tell me what you think !**

**Next chapter is wedding day ! I'm so excited about writing it ! And I'm also so nervous about your reactions that I feel like I'm the one getting married... Lol**

**I hope you'll like it ! **


	33. Wedding

**Chapter longer than usual but I didn't want to cut in the middle. It's finally wedding day ! I enjoyed writing it a lot and I hope you will enjoy it too ! **

I looked in the mirror. It was perfect as expected from Harada. The indigo blue kimono was paternless except from my personal kamon, bamboo leaves, repeated five times on the sleeves, shoulders and in the back of the neck. The mouse-grey hakama was perfectly highlighting the color of the kimono. They were both in top grade pure silk and were glossy in a refined way, not vulgar.

« Can I come in ? » I heard behind the shoji.

« Ha. » I answered.

The shoji slid open, letting Souji step in.

« I wanted to make a snide comment but you look great. » he said with a smirk. « You're ready ? »

« Ready to ? »

« Do I have to remind you that you're getting married, dummy ? » he chuckled.

« I am married since this morning. » I replied calmly.

« On the paper. Now's the real deal. I think Kondou has prepared a speech. » he handed my a package. « By the way, this is from Kondou. »

I opened the package to find a haori. It was midnight blue in the same silk as my kimono and with five kamon as well but the sleeves were trimmed with white mountains stripes and it had a white cord crossed over the chest and tied in the back like our uniforms. Even the « Makoto » was there on the back, under my kamon.

« Kondou said that in love as in battle, the most important is the « sincerity ». He'd thought you'd like to wear the Makoto for this special occasion. »

I nodded, touched by the commander's attention. The Makoto... The Shinsengumi... It was my everything, my family, what I believed in. Wearing it on my wedding day was a great honor.

« Oh and this is from Hijikata-san » he added, handing me a comb « Comb them, oil them, do whatever you like but sort this out. You look like a hobo. It's a direct order, he told me. »

I smiled even if I wasn't really eager to brush my hair. I used to just tie them and let them live but it was true that Chizuru was sometimes having a hard time weaving her fingers in my hair because of all the knots. I took away my kanzashi and started combing them. It was a direct order after all. It was painful at first, but once I started, I continued until they were as soft and shiny as silk. I took my kanzashi to tie them back in my usual side ponytail but I changed my mind halfway through and made a high one. It was changing me a lot. At least, no one could say I didn't make any effort. Satisfied, I grabbed the midnight blue haori and put it on.

« It really highlights your eyes. Ready to drive into battle ? » asked Souji with a smirk.

« May this one never end. » I answered with the same smirk, stepping out.

Souji laughed and followed me to the common room where the men were still preparing all the tables. They put a big table in U shape for all the men and another straight one in front of it for the bridegrooms, the commanders, the captains and two more persons. I knew I was already married since this morning in the eyes of the law but I couldn't help but feel nervous. I was happy though to be able to share this moment with my friends and all the Shinsengumi warriors, independently of their rank.

I heard that Hijikata-san made an announcement while we were stationed at Tenmaya and now everyone was fully aware that Chizuru was a woman and my wife. Souji told me that the vice-commander got surprised with how smoothly it went. Everyone reacted positively to the news and Chizuru was considered a Shinsengumi member regardless of her gender. Tetsuya wasn't lying. She really was loved. The Code of Conduct didn't apply to her.

« Chizuru's not there yet ? » I asked Souji, searching for her.

« No, she's in her room with her friend, Sen, and that spy oiran, Kimigiku. »

« Kimigiku ? » I frowned.

« Yeah, I'm sorry I never thought about telling you but that woman wasn't an oiran in the end. She was only there as a spy and is also a demon. She's Sen bodyguard or something. » he explained « anyway, they are preparing Chizuru-chan, I guess. »

I nodded and tried to rest my hand on my katana but I only encountered air. Everyone was wearing their swords except me. Kondou-san had told me that it could bring bad luck to be wearing something that cuts during our wedding. It could « cut the link » between me and Chizuru and provoke divorce. It felt strange not to have my swords with me but it was better than bringing a bad omen on this union.

« Oy, Saito ! » yelled Nagakura, joined by Harada « man, look at you ! You look like a prince or something ! »

_Well, I'm marrying a princess so... And someone told me I had to raise myself to her level._

« Thank you. » I nodded « Harada, thank you for ordering this attire. »

« Well to be fair » he smiled genuinely « I didn't have much to do. Chizuru picked all of it except the haori that was chosen by Kondou but you probably know that already. »

« Chizuru did ? » I asked, surprised.

« Yeah. She knew it would suit you. She also picked her own attire, I had nothing to do in the end appart from agreeing with her. »

« I will have to thank her too, then. » I nodded.

« You're nervous, Saito ? » winked Nagakura.

« I would be lying if I said that I'm not. » I answered but the nervousness wasn't tainting my toneless voice.

« Well you'd better not turn around then because what entered the room will probably make you have a heart attack. » he laughed. « Or worse. You could get a facial expression. »

Of course, the first thing I did was to turn around and I froze when I saw her. She was gorgeous, a true princess. In this moment, I felt so unworthy of her. I was nothing but a man and she was a demon princess, a goddess of beauty and strength.

She was wearing a purple thick uchikake kimono with dyed white, salmon, orange and mauve Zuiun (the auspicious clouds) and embroidered with white and golden flying cranes. The kimono was a furisode and her sleeves were nearly touching the ground. It was trailing behind her and was open on the bottom to show another kimono, solid orange, that was worn underneath, on her nagajuban. It was a good choice because purple wouldn't have been well accorded to her skintone but with the orange patterns and the orange neckline, she was glowing. The obi was white and golden, perfect to remind the crane embroideries.

I smiled when I realized with how much care she chose every aspect of her attire. The auspicious clouds for happiness in our marriage, the purple color for undying love (and her princess status maybe)... the orange for joy and happiness... and even the cranes, representing lucky omens and longevity as well as her forename, Chizuru, meaning thousand cranes. I realized then that she probably put as much care in my outfit, choosing indigo blue for bravery and fidelity and grey for precision, strengh or masculinity. I should probably ask her later what her intent was.

Her hair were beautifully arranged with cranes and clouds hairpins and her makeup was discreet with only a bit of lipstick, white fondation and red eyeshadow but not as exaggerated as oirans and geikos. It was perfect. She was perfect.

She walked my way and smiled shyly. I noticed that Sen and Kimigiku were with her. I hadn't realized before, my eyes focused solely on Chizuru.

« Saito Chizuru. » I bowed « you are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. »

She blushed red, embarrassed, and I noticed Sen stiffen at the mention of the « Saito » name but she didn't say anything. I guess Chizuru took the time to set her straight.

« Oye Souji ! » yelled Nagakura « you should probably write this down, Saito made a compliment ! »

I ignored him completely, looking solely at Chizuru. I couldn't believe that she was my wife, at last. She was beautiful, strong, intelligent, courageous, dedicated and knowledgeable... and a lot more... Why did this wonderful woman chose me ? A ronin, an assassin ? I will probably never understand.

« Saito Hajime. » she bowed in return « you're the best husband I could have wished for. »

I smiled. I wanted to kiss her but that would be inappropriate in front of everyone.

« What have you done to your hair ? » she asked me.

« I combed them. »

« No, I mean... The high ponytail. » she smiled playfully.

« You don't like it ? » I frowned.

« You look great ! » she laughed « but... you look like Hijikata-san. »

« Now that she's mentioning it... » Souji chuckled with a smirk.

I frowned some more and untied my high ponytail to make my usual side one.

« I didn't want you to take it off... » she blushed, embarrassed « It was looking good. »

« I don't want you to be mistaken and quit the party with the wrong husband. » I stated.

« I would never ! » she yelled with wide eyes before understanding that I was making fun of her. « You're not funny. I think Okita has a bad influence on you. »

« Although I'm not sure Toshi would be that disappointed if he were to leave the party with Chizuru-chan... » added Souji, looking up with a playful grin.

« Okita ! » scolded Chizuru but I frowned. Could it be possible that I stole Chizuru when Hijikata-san wanted her ? I would rather not have had this information, especially on my wedding day.

I saluted both Sen and Kimigiku and welcomed them to the headquarters. I hoped they would not suffer the roughness of our settlement, not suitable to accommodate princesses and demonic aristocracy. But I was relieved to see that they both seemed very happy to be there.

Kondou-san and Hijikata-san joined us eventually and we all sat to share the meal together. Harada told me that my former unit had volontered to cook and serve during the wedding and I thought to myself that I should probably do something in return for them at the end of the day.

Kondou-san asked for everyone's attention and renewed his blessings for our union. I then thanked him aloud for being our matchmaker. Although our marriage wasn't arranged, it was costumary to have an Omiai and since Kondou was the commander, he was the logical choice. Souji whispered to me that I should have thanked him too for pushing his coward friend into the arms of that woman and I smiled. I wasn't a coward but I would be lying if I said that Souji never helped me, in his own, annoying way.

We were brought three cups of sake stacked one on top of the other in a tier for the San-san-ku-do ceremony. Sen did me the honor of pouring the sake and I sipped three times in the smallest cup before handing it to Chizuru who did the same. She then took three new sips from the middle cup and handed it to me so I could repeat the operation. Then I sipped three last time from the largest cup and handed it to Chizuru. She sipped 3 times as well and smiled to me.

The room exploded in greetings as if the paper we filled this morning didn't have any value and that it was now, and only now that we shared this sake, that we were officially married. I grabbed Chizuru's hand next to me. She was mine for everyone to witness.

The trays were brought along with more bottles of sake and the party began, lively. I was pleased to see that everyone was really enjoying themselves, especially Chizuru. She was radiant, shining bright, and if it was possible, I would have fallen even more deeply in love with her. My eyes were always getting back to her, her outfit, her makeup, her hair, her eyes... She was so gorgeous. And she was mine. I don't know how many times I repeated this in my head during the ceremony and the party but I just couldn't get enough of it. She was mine.

When we all finished eating, it still wasn't over since we were brought sweets and tea and even more sake. I didn't want Kondou-san to spend a single coin for me but clearly, he didn't listen. At some point though, Souji started looking at us with his usual grin and I knew that he just got an idea.

« Can we bring a futon in here ? » he asked to Hijikata-san.

« Souji. » I said firmly « we're not doing this. » my voice was toneless but my eyes threatening and people around us got quiet, realizing the tension that was coming from us.

« I'm sorry, Hajime-kun » he replied with a smirk « but it is tradition. Isn't that right, Kondou ? »

Chizuru was blushing red and her eyes were seeking help in me but I just remained calm and brought a sake cup to my lips.

« It is not necessary since this marriage has already been consumed. » I answered him in Kondou's place, eyes closed to savor my sake. I then opened my icy gaze and looked straight into his emerald eyes « Although, if you need someone to show you how it's done, I'm sure you could find some volonteers in Shimabara. »

Laughter exploded around us at Souji's expenses, dissipating the tension brought by our exchange. He became uncontrollably as red as Chizuru. It was a secret to no one that Souji wasn't really frequenting Shimabara and that he didn't have a lot of experience with women. It was probably mean from me to shove it in his face but well, he asked for it. Regaining his composure, he showed his usual grin again and started laughing with the rest.

« Well played, Hajime-kun » he chuckled « I guess even a tamed wolf still has teeth. »

I escaped a small laugh and kept sipping my sake. Chizuru let out a sigh of relief. I didn't even know why she got scared in the first place, I would never had agreed to make love to her in the common room, in front of everyone. We had nothing to prove.

The sun was getting down and we lit some light. Normally, that should have been the point when we would have recieved gifts and Chizuru's trousseau but it was a bit difficult to organize for two people without families like we were. Plus, getting fournitures to decorate our home wouldn't be very practical since for the moment, our home was nothing but a small room in a military headquarter. Chizuru got the traditional tanto though, showing that she was now the wife of a samurai and had to protect his house or die trying. I just hoped she would never have to use it.

The men came to congratulate us one by one before exiting the room as we were still sitting at the table with the commanders, captains and demons. The U shape table emptied itself little by little and I started to acknowledge how tired I was. And drunk. I glanced at Chizuru and she seemed exactly in the same state that I was. She probably drank more sake than she thought reasonable but if you can't get drunk on your wedding day, then when can you ?

Kondou-san noticed how eager we were to leave but he leaned over with a kind smile.

« Would you mind staying just a little while ? I said to the Rasetsu corp that they could have a drink too and it wouldn't be the same without our guests of honor. » he explained « they are Shinsengumi members too, they deserve a bit of fun. »

« Alright. » I nodded.

Two more seats were added at our table for Toudou and Sannan and the Rasetsu corp went on the U table. They were only a dozen because of all the rampage Kazama Chikage did in our ranks. I wasn't really feeling comfortable to be in a room with Rasetsu and without my swords but the others had theirs so I guess Chizuru was safe anyway.

« Congratulations on your wedding, Saito-kun. » said Sannan to me with a wry smile.

« Thank you, Sannan. » I bowed.

Toudou didn't say anything but he smiled and nodded and that was enough for me. I knew his feelings towards Chizuru. That wedding was bittersweet to him.

We drank one last cup with all of them before going to bed. No one tried to refrain us but we got our fair share of snide comments. When we got in our room, I'm not even sure we undressed ourselves. It was our wedding night but we were both so exhausted and drunk that we collapsed on the futon and fell asleep immediately in each other's arms.


	34. Hangover

I woke up completely hungover next to Chizuru. She was still asleep, mouth agap, in her orange kimono that was totally opened, showing her nagajuban. She hadn't even bothered to get the hairpins off and her hair was still arranged although some crazy strands were flowing around her face. Her white foundation could be found on the pillow along with her lipstick that was now not only on her lips but on her chin. She looked completely wasted but to be fair, I should probably look the same.

Her uchikake was in a corner, along with my hakama and haori. Just like her, I had still my kimono on and my hair tied up. I wondered how the others could have expected us to have a decent wedding night with all the alcohol they served us.

My head was pounding and I sat up to get rid of what remained of my wedding attire and pulled the sheets back on us, embracing Chizuru. She opened her eyes and smiled to me.

« Good morning. » I said.

« Good morning. » she replied and she put her hand on her forehead « my head hurts so much... »

« That's called a hangover. » I smiled « but I don't think that these help a lot. » I added, taking the hairpins out of her hair.

« I will never drink again. » she complained.

« It could be worse. At least, it's only a headache. » I replied, removing the last hairpin and freeing her hair.

« How can I make it stop ? » she asked, desperate.

« I know a remedy... » I said, parting the edges of her nagajuban with an agile finger.

The hangover was making my desire even bigger than usual and it was coupled to the knowledge that she was now my wife, exciting me even more. Plus, I wasn't lying. It could really help with the headache.

« Mmmmm... » she said with her arm on her eyes and I wasn't sure if it was a « yes » or a « no ».

I pulled on her obi and opened her nagajuban completely to brush my finger on her nipple. I sensed it tense under my touch and Chizuru started panting softly.

_Looks like a « yes »._

I made her roll to position myself atop her and I started kissing the nipple I just touched while my fingers were now arousing the other one. She moaned and I took it in, making little circles with my tongue around it and sucking gently. My body was already ready and I did my best to try and ignore it so I could take care of her.

« Is it working ? » I asked her, trailing kisses to her other breast.

« May... Maybe... » she whispered, panting.

Her panting made my own body react immediately and I parted her legs with a knee for my hand to come exploring her womanhood while my mouth took the second nipple in. I rubbed on her sweet spot at the same pace of my tongue flickerings, making her escape moans and groans of pleasure and anticipation.

« Ha... Ha... Hajime...Ji...Ha... »

My mouth trailed kisses again on her navel and stomach and I inserted my fingers inside her, leaving the rest free for my tongue to work on it.

« Hajime-kun ! »

I stopped. That wasn't Chizuru's voice. I lifted my gaze to see that she also stopped moaning and was looking at me with a red face and wide eyes.

« Hajime-kun. » I heard Souji say again « it's pretty obvious that you're in here you know. Answer me or I'll have to come in ! »

« Ha. » I just said, already annoyed. If it was that obvious that I was busy in there, did he really have to interrupt ?!

« Sorry to bother you but there's a meeting and we expect you to be there. And Chizuru-chan too. Good morning by the way, Chizuru-chan. Well, it seemed to be good. »

« Souji, go away. » I said in my toneless voice but really irritated now.

« Come on, don't be so irascible. You had all night for this. » he chuckled « meeting's in five. »

I heard his footsteps go away and I sighed, still on top of Chizuru. My body was making me acknowledge its envy to tell everyone to go fuck themselves and continue to make love to my lovely wife but that wouldn't really be a smart move. We were tolerated in the Shinsengumi as husband and wife and our work shouldn't suffer from our relationship otherwise, we would betray the commander's trust.

Against my will, I rolled to the side and stood up to dress myself and she did the same.

« You should probably go to the bathroom to get rid of your makeup first. » I told her while putting my swords in my obi.

She nodded, as disappointed as I was. Any snide comments from Souji and I would probably kill him on the spot. I opened the shoji and stepped out.

« I'll go make some tea first. » I said to her « it's also effective against hangovers. »

She nodded again and I went to the kitchen to find Harada already making tea.

« Hey ! » he saluted me with a kind smile « I figured everyone is going to need some anyway. It was quite a party. »

« Ha. » I answered, grabbing some cups to help him.

« Chizuru's up ? » he asked.

« She'll join shortly. »

« Okay then. » he said, grabbing one more cup « I was a bit worried since I think it's the first time she drinks that much. Even if she's been a lot more reasonable than her husband... »

« True that she has a headache. Green tea will benefit her. » I said in my toneless voice.

« You know » he said with a wink « there's a remedy far more effective... Especially when it's a beautiful woman... »

_I'm aware, thank you. Maybe we should just kill Souji. That would probably bring me a lot of peace of mind. _

I threw daggers with my eyes and walked away with the tray of tea cups.

« And I thought marriage was supposed to make people happy... » I heard Harada mutter playfully in my back.

I brought the tea in Hijikata-san's office and gave some to everyone. I think some of them wanted to talk to me at some point but even if my face was expressionless, I couldn't help but have my assassin aura leak from my attitude. It should be impressive, I guess, since they didn't even try. Souji was leaning on a wall with his usual grin but didn't say anything. I was glad for that. I don't know if I could refrain myself from putting my sword on his throat if he did and that would be breaking the Code of Conduct.

Everyone sat down for the meeting and Hijikata-san started speaking.

« Kobayashi Tetsuya has resigned from his position of captain of the third division of the Shinsengumi. » he announced « he will take back his former rank as second. Is anyone in this room willing to apply to this position ? »

All eyes turned to me. I was a bit sad that Tetsuya did resign. He was a man of quality and his situation wasn't robbed. However, I couldn't ignore his desire to give me back my position in the Shinsengumi. I stood up and bowed to the vice-commander.

« Saito Hajime. » I started « I would like to offer my services as captain of the third division. »

« Anyone opposes ? » asked Hijikata-san.

No one did. These questions were nothing but a formality.

« Welcome back, Saito Hajime » said Hijikata-san « as captain of the third division of the Shinsengumi. »

« Thank you, Fukuchô. » I bowed again and sat down.

« Other subject » continued Hijikata-san « Matsumoto-sensei made a report on Saito Chizuru. She is now officially a doctor of the Bakufu and you may adress her as Saito-sensei. She is officially a Shinsengumi member as well in her quality of doctor and is of course allowed in the headquarters. »

« Thank you, Hijikata-san » Chizuru bowed to Hijikata-san in respect.

« Now about politics. The Shogun Yoshinobu is probably going to come to Kyoto in the next weeks. We do not have the date yet but we will be affected to his protection. The Choshu and Satsuma are trying to get an audience with the emperor, taking confidence into their victory in the west... »

We discussed the Choshu situation in the West during nearly one hour but it really wasn't looking good. The shogun retracted his troops, giving confidence to the rebels. They were starting to think that taking Kyoto could be a possibility and a few reports were already mentioning marching troops. Kyoto could be a battlefield very soon.


	35. Experiments

December 1867

Satsuma and Choshu had their audience with the emperor. They asked Tokugawa Yoshinobu, the shogun, to abdicate and made an official imperial arrest warrant against him, allowing the use of violence. We knew it was a fake but the imperialists grew even more confident. They stationed an army inside Kyoto, asking for the reestablishment of the imperial law.

The Shogun, still in Osaka with the Denshutai elite troops and the French, asked the emperor for an audience as well, to show him the warrant and its fakeness and be confered the imperial trust once more. But for the moment, the palace was remaining silent.

Chizuru and I had been married for a month now, and I was pleased to see that appart from us living our relationship in broad daylight and not hiding like criminals, nothing had changed. I switched rooms with Tetsuya to take my quarters in the captains area. It was more convenient for us since the room was bigger and we could organize both our belongings better.

Chizuru was taking her doctor position very seriously, attending the ills and the wounded just like before but also reading more and more book to get as much knowledge as she could. Even if Matsumoto-sensei said she was officially a doctor now, she, on the contrary, wasn't so confident in her abilities. She was trying to improve all the time. She was doing a good job since there were a lot less ill than before due to all her hygiene mesures and her knowledge.

Even if she was now allowed to dress as a woman, I was still seeing her very often in her hakama. She resumed to take some fighting lessons and she was feeling more at ease in a hakama to train. Every morning, I was repeating my moves in the courtyard and she was at the dojo for Nagakura's lessons of Hokushin Itto Ryû. She was learning with Toudou before but Toudou was now sleeping during the day, making these trainings difficult. I was happy to see her with a sword in hand again. She completely stopped after Tairô's death but I guess all the recent events with the demons made her will come back. Not that she could stop Kazama if he decided to fight her but that was my job anyway.

I was married to her, sharing the same room but still, I wasn't seeing her as much as I would have desired. As captain of the third division of the Shinsengumi, I resumed my patrols but she wasn't tagging along anymore and I missed how it used to be. She was waking up, going to train in the dojo, attending the ills, the wounded, reading books, helping around the compound when she could and then... after the evening dinner, when we could have a bit of privacy together... She was going to see Sannan.

She was still very involved into the researchs about the Ochimizu and she truly believed in a cure. She told me they made some tests with different animal bloods and herbs... I was glad that she was so passionate about something but I couldn't share her enthusiasm. Plus, I was feeling that something was wrong. Sannan was looking bad now, his eyes always hungry, reflecting madness... I was afraid he could hurt Chizuru.

We were eating together with all the captains as usual. Chizuru was there too, smiling and laughing with Nagakura and Harada and I realized how much I was missing her. Spending a bit of my nights with her wasn't enough. When she was usually coming back from the Rasetsu quarters, I was already sleeping. Of course, I always had a light sleep and she was waking me up so I could ask her about her day and be with her a bit. But usually, she was too tired anyway and was falling asleep nearly immediately. I was with her but I wasn't. So close yet so far. I missed her.

After the meal, I made a bit of tea and drank it outside our room, feeling the cold night wind clean my spirit and body from all my sins. I could feel the frozen air penetrate my bones and contrast with the hot tea flowing down my throat. It was a calming sensation.

I heard her approach before I could even see her. Her steps were so recognizable to me.

« Hajime ? » she asked in the darkness.

« Ha. » I answered to guide her steps towards me.

She got closer and I could see her face smile at me. A smile filled with love. Gods, I hoped she would smile at me like that for the rest of my life. Her eyes were sparkling with affection and excitement and I knew immediately that she had something to ask.

« You're not with Sannan ? » I asked casually.

« I needed to speak to you. » she said, leaning forward to kiss me.

We were kissing every day now but not like this. That kiss was awakening all the desire lingering in me, all the want I had for her and all the pain of missing her. I wanted to part from her lips to know what she needed to speak to me about but I couldn't, bewitched by my own wife. Gods, I loved her so much...

She parted and came sitting next to me, resting her head on my shoulder. A few snowflakes were dancing in the wind and we watched them peacefully.

« I don't know what you want » I eventually said « but you sure want to obtain it. »

« It's not something I want. » she chuckled « I just felt like you deserved to know something. »

I frowned. What could I deserve to know ? She couldn't be pregnant. Since I came back from the Guardians, I made sure not to let myself take the risk.

« We made some discoveries with Sannan. » she continued « the Ochimizu isn't a medecine. It's blood. »

« Blood ? » I frowned even more, not liking the turn that this conversation was taking.

« Yeah. It's the blood of a demon coming from western countries. I read books about it, they call them « vampires » and they need human blood to survive. »

I didn't know if it was making sense. Well, true, the Rasetsu were suffering bloodlust but...

« The Rasetsu are called Ghouls in western countries. They don't have the lifespan and powers of true pure-blood vampires and they become mad after a time. But they still need blood. »

« Why are you telling me all this ? » I asked, plunging my eyes into hers and lifting her chin to force her since she was trying so hard to avoid my gaze.

« Ghouls can escape the madness by drinking blood of pure blood vampires. » she said « Sannan wants to try with Oni blood. »

« You mean your blood, right ? » I asked « No. This conversation is over. This whole collaboration is over. »

« Hajime ! » she said « it's not a big deal ! I heal, remember ? We may be on the verge of discovering a cure to the madness ! »

« I said no, Chizuru. » I said firmly.

« I wasn't asking for permission. » she replied, as firmly as I spoke.

« You can't let Sannan take a single drop of your blood. » I said, my voice filled with anger that was fueled with my fear « it's too dangerous. If he sees you bleed, he could hurt you, badly ! We don't know how much you can really heal ! And I'm not ready to discover it ! »

« Then I will pour the blood myself and bring it to Sannan in sealed vials ! » she argued.

« You couldn't do it. » I said harshly « You could hurt yourself. »

« Then... do it ? » she asked in a low voice.

My blood froze and I felt my heart shatter into pieces.

« Chizuru... Please don't ask this from me... » I murmured, wounded by the only thought of it.

« But you could do it properly, be sure I'm not hurt... » she explained before seeing my afflicted gaze.

« I murder people with my swords, Chizuru. They're killing instruments. » I whispered in a woeful voice. « The only thought of them entering your flesh... It's unbearable... »

She stayed silent, realizing how painful it was for me to imagine this and how much she was asking of me. The snowflakes were still dancing in front of us and she grabbed my shaking hand.

« Yamazaki is good with needles. » she said eventually « that way I wouldn't be hurt. I'm doing this, Hajime. It could save lives. But I really would like to have your consent, it means a lot to me. Needles are okay, right ? »

I nodded, unable to speak anyway. I guess needles were the best option.

« You're stubborn as hell, you know that ? » I finally said.

« I'm a Saito. » she chuckled and I couldn't help but smile a little. She indeed was a Saito. A very stubborn one.

We went to ask Yamazaki for his help and he agreed even if he was intimately sharing my opinion on this subject. I stayed outside during the operation, though. I didn't wanted to see my wife drained of her blood. When they were finished, Chizuru stepped outside, along with Yamazaki. I didn't see the vials, I didn't want to. They probably were in her obi or sleeve.

« By the way, Saito. » said Yamazaki and we both turned to him « Saito-san not Saito-sensei, sorry... Hum... What you asked me in September, you know, when you were still with Ito... I found it. Not sure if you still want that information now but... Well, now you know. Good night. »

I thanked him and wished him good night as well before looking at the snowflakes once more. I extended my hand and caught one but it melt instantly on my palm. I stared at the little water drop and reported my gaze on Chizuru.

« I also need to talk to you. » I said.


	36. Cub

Now that I was a married man, I never thought I would have felt the need to get back in a pleasure house one day and yet, here I was. It was far from the luxury I was accustomed to, though. The girl in front of me wasn't an oiran.

"Aren't you going to lie down ? » she asked me.

« No. » I answered.

Even with the heavy makeup on her face, trying to make her look older, I could see that she was nothing but a kid. Her kimono was opened and I could see her in all her nakedness underneath. She wasn't even fully formed yet... It was making me uncomfortable. She came closer and I looked down on her while she put her little hands on my hips.

« How old are you ? » I asked.

« Nine. » she answered with a shrug, putting her hands on my obi and starting to untie it « You wanna stand while I blow you ? »

« No. » I answered again, taking her hands in mine so that she would stop stripping me.

I crouched in front of her to plunge my gaze in hers. She had blue eyes, a bit like mines, probably inherited from her father. But the heart-shaped face... the ebony hair... the little nose... These were definitely Yuki's.

« What ? You wanna kiss ? » she said again, annoyance peaking from her voice.

« No, Haruhi. » I said finally « I want to speak to you. »

She danced on her feet, nervous, uneasy, avoiding my gaze.

« I don't suit you ? » she asked « you want someone else ? »

« No. » I sighed « I came for you today but I don't need anything from you. »

« I don't understand... » she said, confused. « Is this a trick ? If I don't do my job, they'll beat me, you know... »

She was looking everywhere, scared, and I wondered if she was often beaten.

« Haruhi. I knew your mother, alright ? » I said « I'm here because of it so... Could you... close that kimono and just sit down and talk with me ? »

« I suppose... » she said, suspicious.

« If that makes you feel any better, I paid for one hour and I'll tell them you... blew me... alright ? » I flushed, not accustomed to say that sort of word.

« Okay... » she said, finally closing her kimono.

She sat on the tatami and I joined her.

« So, what about my mother ? » she said abruptly.

« Your mother... » I started then stopped. What about her mother, exactly ? That was a damn good question... I decided to say whatever could come to my mind. « Your mother was someone I used to know. A friend. She never wanted you to end up where you are now. »

« She still sold me. » she said harshly.

« That's not the truth. » I corrected.

« What do you know ? » she asked, crossing her arms.

« Your mother was an oiran. Do you know what that is ? » she shook her head to deny « Well... It's a woman very beautiful and very educated who entertains men and sometimes offers sexual favors to privileged customers. »

« So she was a whore like me, then ? »

I escaped a small laugh before answering.

« Knowing her, she would probably have answered yes to that question but it's a bit more complicated than that... Anyway, she was my friend and I am responsible for her death... I've been looking for you, Haruhi. Because she missed you and she didn't want this life for you. »

« Well, congratulations for finding me once she's dead. » she said on the defensive.

I sighed again. That kid surely had some temper... And a lack of manners.

« Listen. I'm not going to waste my time, and yours. » I said a bit harsher than I wished I had « I'm here to make you an offer. »

« What kind of offer ? » she asked, squirting her eyes in suspicion.

« Your mother is dead by my fault. Which means I am now bound to you. » I explained calmly « I can offer you freedom, a roof, a name, an education and a future, if you are willing to take it. »

« And I'll have to fuck you. » she said with a smirk.

« No. » I sighed « you won't have to... be intimate... with anyone. In fact, people will be forbidden to touch you, until you have an appropriate age to marry or get physical. »

« Then it's free ? » she asked again « that sounds fishy... »

« It is not free. » I said in my toneless voice « You will have to work like any other member of the family. And you will have to behave accordingly. »

She stayed silent, thinking about what I just said to her. I could see how doubtful she was about my offer.

« There is no trick. » I said « To be honest...Your mother always dreamt about being something else. She was strong and full of life and if you have half of her qualities, then I think you deserve to have the choice she never had. »

« What exactly will I have to do to work ? » she asked again.

« You'll have chores. Cooking, laundry, cleaning... But you won't do them alone. Everyone has chores in the headquarters. You will have the chance to have an education, learn how to read and write and if you want, you could also learn how to fight. »

« Fight ? Shit ! For real ? » she repeated, excitement sparkling in her gaze.

« If you respect the rules, I will allow you. » I said with a smile.

« What are the rules ? » she asked, her suspicion back.

_Can you stop being so distrustful ? Can't you see the chance I'm offering you ? _

« Well, do the chores, show respect » I listed, lifting one finger at a time « not being intimate with anyone... I am serious. » I added when she chuckled « and no cursing. »

« That sounds like a good deal. » she eventually said. « You're a samurai ?! »

« I am. » I nodded.

« And... You'll give me your name ? » she asked again.

« I will officially adopt you. » I nodded again.

« Will I have to call you father ? » she chuckled as if it was the most hilarious joke she ever heard.

I frowned. I never thought about that but I was... what... twenty three ? Nearly twenty four ? Too young to be comfortable with the idea of having a ten years old kid calling me « father » even if I knew it was the case for most of my peers.

« No. » I said « I am not your father and I will never pretend to be but you will still have to show me obedience as suitable with an older family member. »

« Then... Older brother ? » she asked with a foxy smile.

That smile... That was Yuki's smile drawn on her face. I smiled shyly, feeling the tips of my ears becoming red.

« If you want it, I'll allow you. » I said « but if you prefer, you can just adress to me by my name. »

« And what is your name ? » she asked.

« Saito Hajime. » I bowed.

« Fuck me ! You're Shinsengumi ! » she yelled.

« I think I said no cursing. » I said with icy eyes but she wasn't paying attention to me, laughing. « And I don't get what is so funny. »

« Nothing... » she chuckled « But... Shinsengumi aren't supposed to be kind of bullies ? Why would you help a whore ? »

« We are no bullies and you will see it if you choose to follow me » I said but I wasn't even mad. Our reputation of Mibu Wolves was persistent « Now, I told you my offer. Take it or leave it. »

She calmed herself and seemed to think very seriously about my offer. I stayed silent, letting her make her own decision. She had all the cards in hand now, it was her call to play them.

« I will be Saito Haruhi ? » she eventually asked.

« Ha. » I nodded.

« And I'll live with the Shinsengumi ? »

« Ha. »

« And I'll learn how to fight. »

That wasn't a question and so, I kept my mouth shut, waiting. She stayed mute for a while and then, a foxy smile drew on her face.

« Come on, Hajime-niichan ! Let's get out of here ! » she laughed just like her mother used to.

« Hajime will be enough, thank you. » I said, returning her smile. « But you are right. Time to leave this awful place. »

I stood up, opened the shoji and we stepped out together. The head of the house came to greet me off and put his hand on Haruhi's shoulder, in a disgusting paternalistic attitude.

« She brought you satisfaction ? » he asked with a smirk.

« Ha. » I answered « in fact, I'd like to buy her. »

He laughed and tightened his grip on Haruhi's shoulder.

« That satisfied, huh ? Good job, doll. » he added, looking at Haruhi « Unfortunately, she's not for sale. She's popular, here. I tamed her myself. »

I saw Haruhi's gaze fall on the ground along with all her hopes but I just smiled and got the rest of the Shogunate Bounty out of my sleeve. After the wedding, there wasn't much left but it still was more money that he could have ever dreamed of for a low-ranked defiled child prostitute.

« I believe we can come to an agreement. » I said calmly as his eyes widened in greed.

A few minutes later, I stepped out with empty pockets and the certificate as Haruhi's owner. I put my name this time, not because I wanted her to belong to me, but because she was nine and it would make the adoption easier. I turned around and saw her hesitate. She looked at me, the ground, the pleasure house, and took a deep breath before joining me.

« When I'll know how to fight » she asked me, looking at the pleasure house « will I be allowed to come back to kill him and burn that fucking place down ? »

I didn't answer. I had no idea what she had been through during the nine first years of her life and I just hoped the next ones will make her forget. I took her hand and guided her towards the Bakufu administration to adopt her. When we got out, I lifted my eyes and stared at the stars already filing the sky on this December late afternoon.

_Don't worry mama fox. Your little cub is in good hands now. The wolves pack is taking her in. _

A snowflake fell on my face and I took it as an answer.

**Author note : Introducing Haruhi ! I knew she was going to be in this story even before the beginning of part 2. I hope you'll like her ! Have you seen it coming ? Tell me what you think about her. **


	37. Saito

« Thank you all for gathering » I said to the men in front of me, bowing to the Shinsengumi as its whole. « I'm here to introduce Saito Haruhi. She has been placed under my care and will be a page. »

Haruhi bowed to the men as well, her long ebony hair flowing around her face and her black kimono with the Saito kamon on it. I had it tailored very quickly, I wanted her to be identified as a Saito in the headquarters to be sure she would be safe. The obi, a woman one, was pink. She got the right to choose the one she wanted to wear.

« Thank you for accepting me. » she said, repeating the words I told her to say.

« Haruhi is still a child » I continued « but she is a Saito. If she misbehave, you will report directly to me. If you misbehave, she will do the same. »

My tone was calm but the message was clear. Anyone touched her or bullied her and my blade would make sure that it never happens again.

« Thank you for your attention. » I bowed again « you can dismiss. »

Everybody stood up and the captains came closer to have a look at Haruhi.

« There's starting to be so many Saito in this headquarters » said Nagakura with a grin « We should maybe change our name in Saitogumi. »

« Is she really your blood, Saito ? » asked Harada, crouching in front of Haruhi.

« Ha. » I nodded.

« She doesn't really look like you... Except the eyes maybe but even this.. It's not the same blue. » he muttered.

« Are you gonna stare at me long ? » asked Haruhi on the defensive.

Harada laughed and stood up, reporting his gaze on me. « She also seems to have more temper. »

« We'll work on it. » I said, bowing « I will not let her be a bother. »

« I want to learn how to fight. » she said firmly, looking up at me.

« I said I'll allow you if you respect the rules. » I said in return in my toneless voice « and you're currently breaking them by not showing respect to Harada-san. »

She gritted her teeth and took a impassive, submissive expression. « Pardon me, Harada-san. »

I nodded. It was feeling strange. I trained men, taught them discipline... but never before had I had experience with a kid. And I wasn't sure that I started with the easiest.

« Did Toshi agree to this ? » asked Souji, getting closer along with Chizuru.

« Of course. » I replied « I asked him for permission before fetching her. »

I would never had taken the decision without informing the commanders first. I cannot say that it went smoothly though. I explained to them that a friend had died, leaving a child without any family or ressources and that I had to take care of her. They understood why I was bound to the child but she still was a girl and that was a problem. They agreed nonetheless, thanks to Kondou-san, and I just hoped that Haruhi wouldn't cause any problems that could reflect negatively on me and the Shinsengumi.

« They're always so soft on you... » said Souji with a smirk.

« Look who's speaking... » I answered with the same smirk. « Haruhi, this is Okita-san and next to him, that is Saito-sensei. »

« You can call me Chizuru. » she said with a genuine smile.

Haruhi took a moment to look at Chizuru in her hakama and turned to me.

« She's a girl. » she said.

« That kid's observant » chuckled Souji « I like her already. »

« I am indeed a girl » replied Chizuru with a maternal smile « I am the Shinsengumi's doctor and Hajime's wife. »

« So you're my sister ? » she frowned.

« If you want it to be. » replied Chizuru.

She lifted her gaze to look at me and my heart smiled. I told her all about Yuki that night when the snowflakes were dancing around us and she understood with so much compassion that I didn't think it was even possible. She allowed me to take Haruhi into the family and I would never find an appropriate way to repay her for it.

« Okay... » said Haruhi before looking at me again « When can I start to learn how to fight ? »

I sighed and Chizuru chuckled gently. I guess she was finding it very funny to imagine me as a father.

« When you'll be worth training. » I said in a firm voice « Show me that you deserve you place here and I'll train you. »

« I'm on kitchen duty if you want to tag along, Haru-chan » said Harada with a smile « learn a trick or two. »

« Okay ! » she said with a smirk.

« Haruhi... » I scolded gently.

« Harada-san. » she bowed « thank you for having me. »

I nodded and she went to the kitchen with Harada. My gaze followed them until they were out of sight and Souji sent his elbow in my shoulder.

« Look at that family man ! » he chuckled « first married, now father... »

« Brother. » I corrected.

« Ara, not with me Hajime-kun. » he smirked « I don't know why you took this kid in but she's not your blood. »

« It's irrelevant. » said Chizuru firmly before I could reply « Hajime adopted her therefore she's a Saito and you will treat her as such, Okita. »

« You're starting to speak like Hajime-kun. Be careful, Chizuru-chan. » he chuckled again. « But this kid seems nice. I'm gonna go see how kitchen duty's going. See ya. »

He turned around and waved his hand in the air, taking the same direction as Harada and Haruhi and I stayed alone with Chizuru. I passed my arm around her, resting my hand on her hip.

« Thank you. » I said.

« There is nothing to thank me for. » she replied, resting her head on my shoulder.

« I believe there is. » I smiled « I love you. »

« I love you too. » she replied, kissing my cheek. « I hope she will be happy there. »

« It can't be worse than where she was before. » I sighed « Yet, I'm afraid something could happen to her. »

« May I remind you that I've been the only girl in these headquarters for years ? She'll be fine. When I arrived, I was fourteen and all the captains have been very kind to me. They'll protect her. »

« May I remind you that one of these captains took your virginity on a bathroom floor ? » I frowned.

« And he's now my husband » she smiled and it was contagious.

« You're right... She'll be fine. » I sighed again « but I just hope she will be able to behave. She can be so insolent sometimes... And I don't know how to do with kids...»

« She's nine. » she chuckled « she'll learn. And you'll learn too. You can't expect her to be the perfect daughter yet. »

« I'm not her father » I said, plunging my eyes into Chizuru's for her to mark my words.

« You adopted her. » she chuckled again « I guess that makes you her father now. »

I didn't answer. She was right but I'd rather not think about it. I prefered the term of brother. Father was making me uncomfortable, as if I had been unfaithful to Chizuru and that was something I couldn't accept. I leaned over to kiss her, squeezing her hips with my hands and forbidding myself from making them travel a little lower to rest them on her bottom. She parted with a smile and came whispering in my ear.

« You know... I'm not working with Sannan this evening... » she murmured in a voice full of promises.

That voice made my mind travel to places of wonders and it made it even more difficult to decline her offer.

« Hum... Haruhi doesn't have a room yet... » I blushed uncontrollably, my mind and body already completely elsewhere « she's sharing ours for the moment... »

She looked puzzled for an instant and then laughed at my flustered face.

« Nevermind. » she said, kissing my cheek again « but you owe me a date night. »

« Deal. » I replied « If Kyoto doesn't become a battlefield before. »

« You're so pessimistic. »

« Realistic. » I corrected and we stayed silent for a moment, feeling the damocles sword above our heads. « I have a round. I shall get going. »

« Okay ! » she said with a smile « would you mind if I tag along ? I don't have anymore duties and I miss our rounds together. »

« Nothing would make me feel happier. » I answered while we walked together to the entrance of the compound to get my haori.


	38. Chores

Haruhi had been with us for a week now and she was still sharing our room since there were none available. She was still a bit difficult at times but she was improving. Her cooking was terrible though and she was often trying to switch with someone when she was on kitchen duty. She prefered the cleaning and laundry and most of the time, the captains were gladly exchanging with her. She was always running everywhere, trying to be useful, and she reminded me of Chizuru when she first joined. She was also cleaning Souji's room everyday because that stubborn idiot was letting her do it without any protestations, while Chizuru and Yamazaki always had to trick him to take care of the cleaning.

Chizuru didn't have any chores duty anymore because she couldn't fit anything else in her schedule now that she was also teaching Haruhi to read and write. I was glad she was taking care of it because I feared I lacked patience and pedagogy for this kind of task. For her lessons too, Haruhi was making a lot of effort. After a week, she could read and write in hiragana. I didn't know if it was the sign of a fast-learner or a slow-learner. I couldn't remember my lessons as a kid. I wasn't fooled by her attitude though, I knew she wasn't making all these efforts for herself but more for me, trying to show me that she was worth to learn how to fight. I haven't allowed her yet but I spoke about it with Harada and he agreed to teach her how to use a spear, an honorable weapon for a woman.

After lunch, I was enjoying a cup of tea with Chizuru in our room. It was calm and peaceful, just what I needed. What we needed.

« What's your schedule this afternoon ? » she asked me while sipping her tea.

« I have a round in about half an hour. Then I'll be teaching in the dojo. » I answered.

« I'm free until Haruhi's lessons and... I think you owe me a date night. » she replied with a smile.

I knew that smile and what it implied. I continued sipping my tea calmly.

« It's not the night. » I answered in my toneless voice.

She put her cup on the ground and came closer to get on my lap.

« Does it matter ? » she whispered in my ear and my whole body shivered from the temptation.

It's been so long that we hadn't been together... Nearly since the wedding. With her schedule, my schedule and now our lack of privacy... It was hard to find a moment.

« Saito Chizuru... » I whispered « you are a real temptress, you know that ? »

My hand came snaking behind her neck while the other dug itself inside her kimono and I kissed her with all the passion I had refrained these past weeks... When the shoji slid open.

« Ah ! Fuck ! » said Haruhi as I parted from Chizuru's lips who got away from my lap, arranging her kimono with a face red with embarrassment.

« Haruhi.. » I said, annoyed « rule number one : respect. Ever heard of announcing oneself before entering ? »

« But that's my room. » she protested and Chizuru chuckled nervously. I threw daggers with my eyes but she didn't seem to calm down.

« And the cursing. » I added in order to regain my composure.

« Shin... Nagakura-san curses all the time ! »

« You're not a Nagakura, you're a Saito. And a Saito doesn't curse. » I replied firmly.

« Speaking of rules » she replied, crossing her arms with a foxy smile « what happened to the one about physical intimacy ? »

I opened wide eyes and Chizuru's chuckles turned into laughter.

« But... That... That's my wife ! » I answered, feeling the heat on my cheeks.

« Whatever » she just said with a wave of a hand « I finished all my chores for today so I was thinking about hanging out with you OR I could leave you alone and ask Sou... Okita-san to teach me sword fighting. Pleeeease, Hajime-niichan ! »

She was never calling me Oniichan, except when she wanted to make fun of me, be insolent or when she really, really wanted something. But I couldn't ignore that she was making a lot of efforts in the headquarters and so, she deserved to have a lesson if she wanted it that much.

« Ask Harada » I surrendered « a spear suits a woman much better than a sword. And Souji's teaching will only leave you in tears and bruises. »

« I don't want to fight like a woman. » she said firmly « and I want to learn with Okita-san. »

« As you wish. » I sighed « but I don't want to hear you complain afterwards. »

« Thank you, Hajime ! » she yelled, jumping to put her arms around my neck.

She got off immediately and grabbed a kanzashi to tie her long ebony hair in a high ponytail « I'll go find Souji ! » she said in excitement and she ran outside, slamming the shoji.

« Truly, this kid will be the end of me. » I sighed.

Chizuru was still chuckling in a corner and that was annoying me more than it should. I turned my head to her, asking her to stop with my gaze.

« I should probably take her back to Shimabara » I muttered.

« Don't say this, Hajime ! » she chuckled some more « I know you love her. »

« I just wish she had some manners » I muttered again.

« I don't think your rules are a very effective technique... » she replied playfully.

« Maybe I should just land a bokken on her until it sinks in... » I continued, lying on the tatami and resting my head on Chizuru's lap.

« I think that sounds more like Okita's parenting technique » she laughed, passing her hand in my hair and taking my kanzashi away.

She grabbed a comb to brush my hair and I closed my eyes, letting her. I used to let them live but since the wedding, she saw what they looked like when they were combed and so, she was often doing it for me. I didn't mind. In fact, it was nice to have her taking care of me. I enjoyed these moments even if I never told her. I think she could sense it.

« Souji's going to break her in half. » I said.

« Failure is also a part of learning. » she said gently.

« No, I meant literally. » I corrected.

« Is he really that bad ? » she asked with a smile.

« You never trained with him. »

« Stop torturing yourself, Hajime. » she said.

She couldn't understand. She never saw Souji train people. She never trained with him. He was a sadistic monster. Even if he didn't have the physical force he used to, he would go full strength against Haruhi, who was a nine years old girl with no constitution yet. He was going to kill her on her first lesson. Chizuru probably knew what I was thinking about because she chuckled some more.

« Well, if he kills her, you'll have one less problem on your mind. And maybe we could have our intimacy back. » she said with a playful smile and I smirked in return.

I took my head off her lap, grabbed her hips to bring her atop me and I snaked my hand back behind her neck to pull her closer to my lips. I kissed her with all my passion renewed and parted, plunging my saphir eyes into her sparkling chestnut one.

« I still have about twenty minutes. How about we take a head start on that date night ? » I asked in a whisper.

« I thought you'd never ask... » she replied before kissing me again and the twenty minutes that followed were the best I had in a month.


	39. Mother

To my surprise, Souji didn't traumatize Haruhi the slightest. I knew that he was enjoying kids's company, always playing with them and being nice to them but I didn't expect him to have the same patience during swords training. Kondou-san gave her an old brown hakama that was her size, something that used to belong to the Shieikan hall and she was wearing it on a daily basis on her black kimono with the Saito kamon. The commander was always praising me about her progresses. He was often going to see how it was going with Souji and I think that it was bringing back some cheerful memories of his dojo to his mind. I was glad that the kid managed to make her own place in the headquarters. I didn't have any reasons to complain about her now. She was respectful, useful and polite as expected from a Saito and she was making me proud.

_Are you proud too, Yuki ? You wanted to be a warlord and your daughter soon will be a samurai. I will never let her have the same fate you had. I promise. _

Since the first day Haruhi arrived, we had snowflakes every evening and I often caught myself speaking directly to them, in my thoughts. I believed she was sending me omens via these snowflakes and I enjoyed telling her about her daughter. I hoped she approved of my choices. Haruhi was my second chance. This time, I could make it right. I was making it right. I hoped...

Drinking tea outside my room before dinner, my eyes stopped on the snow bunnies next to me. Chizuru had taught Haruhi how to make them and she found it so entertaining that she made a lot. There were four bunnies and another one, smaller, that probably represented her since she put blueberries for the eyes. The other blueberry one was probably myself and redberry probably Chizuru. There was another one next to mine, with tiny leaves for the eyes and I supposed it represented Souji. But the last one... It was far from the pack and had blueberry eyes as well, looking at the others.

« Hajime. » said Haruhi, coming to seat next to me « I finished making dinner with Nagakura-san. »

I nodded, still looking at the little balls of snow.

« Is that Souji ? » I asked, showing her the green eyed one.

« Yeah. » she said proudly.

I smiled, happy to have been able to find who that was but I was still wondering about the lone bunny.

« And who's that one ? » I asked her.

« my mother. » she replied with a smile « she's looking at us to protect our family. »

I turned to her, not sure if I really heard the word « family » getting out of her mouth. Did she really consider us to be a family ? I felt... I don't know what I felt... A mix of love, happiness, relief, proudness, tenderness... But also fear and anxiety to not be good enough for this child who was thinking of me as a father.

« The eyes aren't right. » I just said and I stood up to fetch two red berries. I plucked out the blue ones and replaced them with the ones I just picked « she had the same as Chizuru's. »

She stayed silent a minute and looked up to me.

« Hajime... Are you my father ? » she asked « The real one, I mean. Because... You know... If my mother didn't have blue eyes then... And you came looking for me so... »

« No. » I said to her and I could see the deception in her eyes « I didn't know your mother ten years ago. »

« Did you love her ? » she asked again. « You never talk to me about her. I don't even know how she died. »

I took a time to think. I don't know if it was the right time to explain to her the nature of my relationship to her mother. Could a child understand these kind of bonds that weren't dictated by amorous feelings ?

« I was her client at first » I started « then I became her friend. I freed her from her pleasure house but she betrayed me and I left her without ressources. » I paused « she killed herself. »

« But... She deserved it if she betrayed you so... Why taking me in ? »

« I started looking for you while she was still my friend. I wanted to know what happened to you. » I explained.

« I still don't understand why you felt bound to a child you never met and who isn't even your blood. » she said, shaking her head with a frown.

I looked at the snowflakes, thinking, and I decided to tell her the truth.

« Chizuru and I, we lost a child a few months ago. It wasn't even born. » I said calmly but the emotions were swirling in my chest like a hurricane. I knew that this wound would never heal. « Your mother, Yuki, she helped me get over it and told me about you. Then she died because of me. When I found you, it was too late for my child and too late for your mother. It wasn't too late for you. »

_You are my redemption, Haruhi. _

She stayed silent again, thinking and smiled genuinely.

« You saved me, Hajime. It doesn't matter if you're not my father, I'm a Saito now. I will make you proud. »

_You're already making me proud._

« Let's go eat. » I said instead.

« Yeah » she chuckled « if we're late, Nagakura-san will probably have eaten it all when we arrive. »

We walked to the dining room and Haruhi spoke to me again.

« Can I change my room ? » she asked shyly.

« There is one available ? » I asked in return, surprised.

« I'd like to share with So... Okita-san. » she said, looking directly at my face.

« With Souji ?! » I repeated, disconcerted.

« Yeah ! It would be easier for the cleaning of his room and the training ! And maybe he could teach me to read and write in Chizuru's place since she's already so busy... »

« No. » I shook my head.

« But why ?! Okita-san is okay with it and my arguments were logical ! »

« Souji's an adult man. » I frowned, not believing I really had to explain it « It would be unseemly for a young girl to share his room. »

« So you think I'm still a whore. » she said, crossing her arms in anger.

« No. » I sighed « but I still cannot allow it. »

« I share your room and you're an adult man. » she muttered with a pout.

« As suitable since we are family. »

« Yeah well, Souji's not family ? » she asked again.

I crouched and grabbed her kimono sleeve to bring the kamon in front of her eyes.

« What does it say ? » I asked with an icy gaze.

« Saito. »

« And what is Souji's name ? »

« Okita. »

« Good. » I said, standing up. « You have your answer. »

I resumed walking and she did too, silent. I could see that she was disappointed and I would be lying if I said I didn't want my privacy back but I couldn't possibly let her share a room with Souji. It wasn't about her past as a prostitute and it wasn't either that I didn't trust Souji but she was nine and she was under my care. I was even surprised that Souji agreed to this. He was probably feeling lonely with the progression of his illness. He wasn't going on rounds anymore, wasn't fighting, wasn't training except with Haruhi because that didn't require a lot of strength. I knew that the day when he couldn't lift his sword anymore was coming soon. And then... The decay would get faster and Souji would die. I couldn't even imagine what he was going through. Would I be able to smile and joke like him if I was slowly dying ? Would I be able to keep on living as I watch my body slowly decay ?

We joined the others for the evening meal. It wasn't as bad as I expected. Haruhi used to be a terrible cook and Nagakura... Well let's just say he was better at eating it than at cooking it. I complimented Haruhi on her progresses and she smiled. Good. She didn't seem to resent me. My eyes met Chizuru's and she smiled too but hers was a bit forced. Her eyes weren't smiling with the rest and I wondered what could have happen.

When we finished the meal, Haruhi took the trays to bring them in the kitchen. She wasn't on dishes duty since she cooked but she volunteered to do it anyway to help Harada.

« Haru-chan » said Souji with a genuine smile « Do you want to train afterwards ? »

« Can I, Hajime ? » she asked shyly and I nodded to give her permission. « Thank you ! » she said, running back to the kitchen.

Souji smirked at me and I noticed Chizuru getting back to our room.

« Is it true you said to Haruhi she could share your room ? » I asked casually.

« It's her idea. » he shrugged « I told her you wouldn't agree. »

« And if I had ? »

« It wouldn't have been a problem for me. I like this kid. » he shrugged some more and smirked « it's not like I'm gonna have time to have some of my blood anyway. »

I stayed silent. I knew that he didn't have much time left but I still didn't like hearing him joke about it.

« Can you keep Haruhi busy for a moment ? » I asked him « I need to talk to Chizuru. »

« Okay, no problem. » he nodded with a wry smile « Enjoy your talk. »

I stood up, thanking him and went to the kitchen to make tea and bring her some. Seeing Chizuru sad was something I couldn't bear neither ignore. I had no idea what could make her feel this way but I wanted to help her, or at least, talk about it if there wasn't anything I could do for her.


	40. Heir

I handed her the cup, fuming, and she thanked me with her sad smile.

« What is it ? » I asked, sitting in front of her on the tatami.

« Nothing. » she answered, eyes avoiding mine and wiggling nervously.

« You have always been a terrible liar. » I said, sipping my cup « tell me what bothers you. »

She didn't say anything and kept her eyes on the tatami and I waited patiently for her to talk. She knew I wouldn't let go of the bone until she speaks to me.

« Well... » she started, uncomfortable « You're my husband... »

She paused and I waited again a few seconds but nothing more came. She seemed lost in thought.

« And that bothers you ? » I asked in my toneless voice, trying not to let all my raging emotions leak out from my voice.

« No ! » she blushed « not at all ! That's not what... Just... Wait a second... » she stuttered, trying to organize her thoughts « We've been married for more than a month now and... I noticed that since you came back from the Guardians, when we make love, you never... » she blushed some more « what I'm trying to say is that at first, I thought it was because we weren't married but... Now we are and you still... I'm starting to wonder if maybe you... Don't want any children with me... I know you have Haruhi now so maybe you don't want another heir but... »

I put my cup down and took her in my arms, making the flow of her words stop. She hesitated at first then closed her arms on me.

« Chizuru... » I said « I'm sorry. »

She detached herself from me and I saw some little tears in the corner of her eyes.

« So its true, then ? You don't want any children with me... » she whispered, sobbing.

« I want children with you, Chizuru. » I said « I really do. »

« Then... Why are you... avoiding it ? » she asked.

« It's... » I sighed « We never had a proper conversation about the child we lost. I thought maybe you weren't ready to go through it again. I wanted to protect you. »

« So... » she said shyly « you want some ? »

« I do. » I reassured her, taking her back in my arms « Nothing could make me happier than to have little demonic children with horns running around and calling me father. »

« Hajime, that's not funny. » she chuckled while sobbing.

« You laughed. » I said, caressing her hair « therefore it was hilarious. »

She looked at me with all the love in the world and circled her arms around my neck to kiss me gently, tenderly.

« I love you, you know. » she said with a small smile.

« I love you too. » i replied, making little kisses on the corner of her mouth « and if you want a child, I'll make one with you right now. »

« For real ? » she asked shyly, blushing as if it was our first time.

« For real. » I repeated « I cannot guarantee that it'll work tonight but I'll keep trying until we have a baby. » I said while moving my kisses to her neck. « And I will be there, this time. I will never leave you again. »

« But Haruhi... » she started.

« Is with Souji. » I finished, lowering her on the tatami.

I kept kissing her neck while my hands came working on her obi and the other ties holding her kimono in place and she started to pant softly in anticipation. I was feeling so guilty to have been so insensitive to her feelings. I should have talked to her sooner instead of making her think things that weren't even true.

I opened her kimono and kissed her shoulders and collarbone, slowly, tenderly. There was more that just making a baby. I wanted her to feel reasured, to feel loved, to feel whole under my touch. I wanted her to see that even with the loss of our child, even with Haruhi joining our family, even with the war coming up, I would love her more every day.

I realized that the tatami shouldn't be the most comfortable place in this room and I quickly unfolded our futon and passed my arms under her body to lift her up and lay her there. She chuckled to see me so caring and she seemed to relax a bit. Her hands took my swords out of my obi and put them on the side before untying it. They traveled on my back until she reached my shoulders and she pulled the kimono off my body while I kissed the valley between her breasts. She rested her hands on my chest when I lifted my head to kiss her and our tongues met like they were dueling, fighting for their lives. She took away my kanzashi and dug her fingers in my hair which came flowing around me as my head lowered once more to claim one of her nipples.

« It's so much better now that there is no knots anymore... » she said between two moans, combing her fingers even deeper in my mane so dark it had blue highlights « it's so agreable to touch them... »

I didn't answer and switched to the other nipple, playing with it with my tongue.

« I love your hair... » she continued « That raven-like color... I don't know if I told you before... Ha... I hope they will always stay that long... » she said, looking at it cascade on her body under her touch.

I lifted my head again and plunged my gaze into her chestnut eyes.

« Are we really going to speak about my hair right now ? » I frowned.

She chuckled and made me roll, pining me to the futon before kissing me and she sat, looking down on me. From there, I could see her in all her gorgeousness. Her small and proud breasts, the curve of her hips, her stomach a bit round but where you could still see the abs underneath, her immaculate skin, her neckline and discreet collarbone, her round face, her hazel eyes and her lips, moists and curved into a smile.

« I love you. » I whispered in awe.

There was nothing more to say. She was perfect and I loved her. All of her. I still couldn't believe that I was lucky enough for her to be my wife.

She brushed her fingers on some scars on my chest and lowered her head to kiss them. It was a sweet torture, making me shiver with each of her small kisses, light as feathers, and I started panting as well, feeling that I needed to have her. I put my hands on her hips but didn't lower them, letting her kiss my neck while her fingers were clenching to my side and carressing my stomach. One of her hand travelled lower to grip me and that signed the end of my patience.

I rolled her over, unable to take it any longer, and positionned myself properly before asking her « So... Are we making this baby ? »

« Yes-aaaah » she answered as I entered her.

I began moving slowly, still covering her with kisses. I was opening all the barriers of restraint and self-control that I built myself for three months now, not allowing myself to be one with her. My pace increased, guided by Chizuru's moans of pleasure and my own growing desire. It was liberating to know that I was finally allowed to love her properly until the end. I didn't want to stop before seeing her golden eyes but it was getting harder for me with every thrust.

I rested my body on one elbow to snake my other hand near the junction of our bodies and help her reach higher peaks of pleasure. When I was on the verge of giving up, surrendering to my own extasy, her eyes lit with that golden light I was so proud to awake every time and we shared that precious moment of total abandon.

I stayed in her, collapsing on her body, panting. It felt so delightful, so satisfying, so right... to be with her completely.

« Hajime... I love you but... you're heavy... » she said after a few minutes and I escaped a small laugh before parting from her and rolling to the side.

I took her in my arms and held her tight, as if she could try to escape me. She returned my embrace and I pulled the sheets over our bodies. Haruhi could come back anytime soon.

« Do you think it's gonna work ? » she asked me.

I stayed silent and kissed her instead. I had no idea but I wanted to believe and in the worst case scenario, we would just have to try again and that wasn't bothering me the slightest. I just hoped that this time, it would be strong enough. I had been thinking a lot about it since I discovered that Chizuru was an Oni. Maybe it was because of me, because I was human, that the child lacked of strength. Maybe if it had been Kazama, the child would have lived. All this... I was asking it to myself nearly every day but I never spoke to Chizuru about it. I didn't know if she had the same doubts and worse, I was fearing she could confirm them.

« Would you rather have a boy or a girl ? » she asked me with a smile.

« I didn't know that I got to choose. » I answered in my toneless voice.

She chuckled and started brushing her fingers on the multitude of scars on my chest.

« I think I'd like a boy. » she said, very seriously « A little boy with your eyes and as honorable and strong as his father. »

Her words invade my chest with warmth as I pictured her with our son in my mind. A son... She would be the best mother in the whole world.

I lost myself in thoughts, remembering how it was before she entered my life. I was a sword, a tool, back then, with no other purpose than to kill and serve. Now I had her and Haruhi and maybe soon, a child of my blood.

I was still a sword. I was still serving. But now, I knew that no matter what comes upon me, I would not die. Because I had something to protect.


	41. Sleepover

We woke up in the morning with our bodies still entangled and I carressed her skin with the tip of my fingers from her shoulder to her hips, following the natural curves of her body.

« It tickles... » she complained, opening her eyes.

I stopped and rested my hand on her hip, looking at her sparkling hazel eyes, and I smiled to her. Smile that faded away as quickly as it appeared when I noticed that Haruhi's futon was still folded and that she wasn't there.

« He's a dead man. » I said, getting up in a hurry and putting my kimono on.

« Hajime ! » said Chizuru, confused. « What's the matter ? »

I didn't answer and tied my obi quickly before grabbing my swords, furious. I didn't even take the time to tie my hair.

« Hajime ? »

« Haruhi hasn't slept here. » I said as I slid the shoji open and ran outside, to Souji's room.

« Hajime ! » I heard her shout in my back but I kept running.

« Souji ! » I called in anger.

I didn't wait for an answer and I came in. Haruhi was there as expected, wearing only a nagajuban and rubbing her eyes with her fists. I probably had woken her up. Souji was lying next to her, in a nagajuban as well and he was looking at me with a sleepy, confused expression.

« Dress yourself. » I ordered Haruhi in a harsh voice « and get back to your room. » I saw her open her mouth to explain but I cut her with a threatening icy gaze « Now. »

I unsheathed my sword and stared at Souji, waiting for Haruhi to get decent and exit the room. She looked at my blade in fear but did as I said and she ran outside, closing the shoji behind her. Souji, still in bed but now fully awake, crossed his arms and served me his usual grin.

« The Code of Conduct forbids any personal conflict. » he said with a playful voice.

« What was she doing here ? » I asked coldly.

« Sleeping. » he answered with a shrug.

« You touched her ? » I asked, pointing my katana at him.

He exploded in laughter and I waited for him to calm down, still in a fighting stance.

« Hajime-kun, she's nine ! » he said with a smirk.

« Answer me. » I replied, my voice as frozen as my eyes.

« Of course not... » he answered, laughing some more « chill out, okay ! She's a child ! She's probably too innocent to think that something could happen when she sleeps with a man ! »

_You want to bet ? She probably has more experience than you do._

I sheathed back my sword but the anger wasn't gone when I spoke again.

« Why did she sleep here ? It's inappropriate. »

« Ara, Hajime-kun. » he said with a wry smile « you really think you are the only one to notice when Chizuru-chan's not well ? Even Shinpachi was concerned. That girl never had been very good at hiding her emotions... You two are newly weds and that kid is taking a lot of space in both your lives. You needed to have a proper conversation with Chizuru-chan and I didn't know how long it could take and what the outcome would be. Must be difficult to share something with your spouse when there's a child always next to you. That seemed like a logical choice. You shouldn't be so angry. It was an innocent sleepover. »

It was indeed logical but I couldn't tell him that. If I started to allow that kind of behavior, things would get out of hand very quickly. She was under my responsibility and I wouldn't let her act as she want. There were rules.

« I see. I don't want this to happen ever again. » I said in a voice that left no room for discussion and he nodded with a wry smile.

Since there was nothing more to say, I went back to our room to find Haruhi crying in Chizuru's arms.

« You killed him ? » she asked me, sobbing.

« No. » I answered, putting my swords down.

« Is he hurt ? » she asked again.

« No. » I sighed « But I am disappointed, Haruhi. I gave you my trust and you betrayed it. I told you there were rules. »

« But... I didn't... »

« Sleeping together IS physical intimacy. » I said coldly « As a punishment, you are no more allowed to learn sword fighting until you can show me that you deserve my trust once more. »

She looked at the ground sheepishly and nodded vigorously.

« I will not disappoint you again, Hajime. » she said in a shy voice « just... Don't take me back, please... I meant no harm and I don't want to be intimate with anyone... Please, don't take me back... »

My eyes met Chizuru's who smiled at me genuinely, asking me silently to be a little less severe with Haruhi. I crouched and wiped her tears with my thumb.

« I won't. You are a Saito now. » I said gently.

« I'm not a whore. I didn't choose to be one, I didn't enjoy my previous life and I'll never be one again. I know that I sometimes break the cursing rule or the respect rule a little but the one about intimacy, I'll never break it. It's a promise. » she said with eyes full of will.

I nodded, acknowledging that I heard her and that I would remember her words and she wrapped her tiny arms around my neck while I put mines in her back. She let go after a few seconds and when she parted, I only saw a sad little girl, not a former prostitute. I never had.

« Can I go help for breakfast ? » she asked and Chizuru chuckled.

« Alright. » I said and she stood up and bowed in respect before exiting the room, leaving me alone with Chizuru. I turned to my wife and asked her « Do you think I overreacted ? »

« Maybe the sword thing was a bit too much if Haruhi's report is true » she answered with a smirk and I felt the tip of my ears becoming red. I didn't like her to make fun of me. « But no, I think you are right to set some boundaries. I agree with you, she shouldn't have slept in Okita's room. »

I nodded, reassured. I was happy to have her insight on the subject. I had never raised a child before... and a girl... That seemed even more difficult.

« You're a good father. » she told me.

« I'm not her father. » I answered, but I said it with less conviction than the previous times. I think the idea was starting to make its way in my heart.

« I'm sure now that I'd prefer a boy » she chuckled « if you are going to barge sword in hand in our daughter's room when you suspect her to have a lover. »

« My daughter, and Haruhi, will do whatever they like when they have an appropriate age. » I answered very seriously, tying my hair in a side ponytail. « And that's not nine. »

She kept chuckling and I headed out, not enjoying to be the subject of mockery. When I stepped outside, I saw Haruhi running my way.

« There's someone with Kondou-san ! » she shouted « She wants to take away Chizuru-neechan ! »


	42. Kaoru

« Who's here ? » I asked Haruhi calmly.

« I don't know ! She looks like Chizuru-neechan and she wants to take her away ! » she explained, grabbing my kimono « I stayed outside and listened... I know it's not polite... and she says she has a letter and is Chizuru's family and that Chizuru's a prisoner here or whatever ! »

« Alright. » I said, detaching her hands from my kimono « you don't speak to anyone about this. I'll go. »

« Even Chizuru-neechan ? » she asked.

« I said anyone. » I confirmed.

« Okay... What do I do then ? Can I come with you ? »

« No. » I said as I took the direction of Kondou-san's office.

The girl was probably Kaoru and she was starting to get on my nerves for real. Chizuru wasn't willing to go with her last time, she wasn't willing to go this time and I would make sure that Kaoru understands the message. I knew it was bad from me to hide Kaoru's presence to Chizuru but I didn't want her to go through the emotional hurricane that took over her the previous time. I didn't mind her demonic form but still, I wasn't sure it was a good idea to have it witnessed by all the others. I needed to protect her.

« Kyokuchô. » I called from behind the shoji.

« H-Ha ! Saito ! Come in ! »

I entered and bowed to Kondou-san. He seemed extremely nervous, all the contrary of his guest, Kaoru, who was smiling at me as if we were long lost friends.

« Saito Hajime » she bowed « What a pleasure to see you. Please, sit with us. »

Kondou-san seemed on the verge of objecting but he changed his mind and nodded. I sat in front of him, next to Kaoru, and resisted the urge to put my sword through her delicate little neck.

« As I was explaining to Kondou-san, I am here to pick up my little sister. » she said with a kind smile.

I didn't say anything but inside, I was shocked. A sister ? Chizuru was an only child.

« I have here a letter from her father, Yukimura Kodo, asking for the release of his daughter, Yukimura Chizuru, that has been held captive by the Shinsengumi. » she explained, showing the letter in Kondou-san's hands. « I know you didn't molest or torment her but she has been you prisoner for long enough. It is time for her to come back to her family. »

I stayed silent and exchanged a glare with Kondou-san. At his uncomfortable attitude, I knew that the subject of the marriage hadn't been brought up yet in this conversation. I don't know what Kondou-san's intentions were but I wasn't planning on letting Chizuru go.

« You can't ignore that the shogunate army has left Osaka and is currently marching towards Kyoto. This city is going to turn into a warfare in a few weeks, maybe days. Yukimura Chizuru isn't safe anymore in the Shinsengumi. We will not allow her to die with the rest of you. She must be freed at once and accompany me. »

« I'm afraid this is impossible. » I said in my toneless voice.

« How so ? » she asked with a wry smile.

« There is no Yukimura in the Shinsengumi. » I answered calmly.

« Saito-kun... » started Kondou-san but he stopped immediately, sensing the changement of atmosphere in the room. Kaoru lost her smile and gritted her teeths in anger but I kept an emotionless face.

« So you're going to tell me that my beloved sister Chizuru isn't there ?! » she yelled « do you really think that'll work ?! »

« There is a Chizuru. » I said calmly « Saito Chizuru. Not Yukimura. »

« You dared... » hissed Kaoru with furious anger and I just remained calm.

« I believe that Saito Chizuru is under the responsibility of her husband first and foremost. Her father has no authority on her whatsoever anymore. » I continued in my toneless voice.

« Who do you think you are ?! » yelled Kaoru « stealing my lovely sister away ?! You're already a dead man ! »

« If it is my fate to die, I will accept it. » I said with humility « however, I have sworn to protect Chizuru along with the Shinsengumi and I will not allow you to take her. »

« You'd rather have her die with you ? » she asked harshly.

« She will not. » I said with a threatening icy voice.

Kaoru seemed to think for a moment, probably wondering if I really was willing to sacrifice myself for Chizuru, then served me another wry smile.

« Is she with child ? » she asked.

« That doesn't concern you. » I replied in a cold voice.

« I'm afraid it does » she continued, her poise back « You probably know that a marriage isn't really official until the conception of the first child. »

« I am aware. » I replied coldly « it doesn't change my position on the subject. »

« But it does change everything else, doesn't it ? » she continued, her wry smile still painted on her face. « Chizuru's not yours yet. And I will make sure that it stays that way. »

I put my hand on the pommel of my katana, ready to strike.

« Alright » interrupted Kondou-san « can we all just calm down a little and discuss ? »

« I'm finished anyway. » said Kaoru, standing up « I know I'm no match for you, Saito-san. Fighting you would be meaningless. I'll go for the moment but we'll get Chizuru back, you can mark my words. She will not die in this stupid conflict like the rest of you. Enjoy her company while you still can. Kazama will be coming for her and he probably won't be very happy to know that you dared steal his wife away. » she bowed to the commander in respect « thank you, Kondou-san. »

Kaoru winked at me and exited the office leaving me with all my anger and fear. I followed after bowing to Kondou and went back to my room. I was so tensed that I was almost running and I slid the shoji with force. Chizuru was there, standing in the middle of the room with her hakama on, tying her hair in a ponytail for Nagakura's lessons. She smiled when she saw me and I fell to my knees, circling her with my arms and burying my head in her stomach.

« Hajime, are you okay ? » she asked, putting her hands on my head to carress it gently.

I didn't answer and just held her tight. The fear to have her escaping me was getting bigger. I would die protecting her if I needed to but I'd rather live with her if I could get the chance. If Kazama really were to come for her, I wasn't sure I could be strong enough to defeat him and save her.

« Hajime... You're scaring me... » said Chizuru in an anxious voice « last time you held me like this was when you left with Ito... »

It was true and I was feeling the same desperation that the one I felt back then. My hands twitched in response, clenching on her even harder.

« Hajime, talk to me... » she whispered.

« I will not let them take you... » I murmured in a voice so low that she didn't understand my words.

« What ? »

« I will not let them take you. » I repeated with more force, as if saying it out loud could make it happen.

I dug my face harder in her stomach, trying to find out if life was already there, making our marriage unbreakable and putting her out of Kazama's reach.

_Please gods, let it be a child in here... _


	43. Ochimizu

« Hey ! Hajime ! Look ! » yelled Haruhi, running my way.

I turned to her and she presented her open hands to me, containing a little origami crane. I took the little bird between my fingers to look at it.

« Harada-san taught me how to do. » she explained with a wide smile « it's pretty, isn't it ? » I nodded and gave it back to her with a small smile « No ! It's for you ! Sano... Harada-san says that it brings luck so you should keep it. »

My smile grew a bit bigger, happy that she thought about doing it for me.

« Thank you, Haruhi. » I said « I will treasure it. »

She blushed and danced on her feet « Oh, it's just a paper crane, you know... You don't have to... »

« I will regardless. » I replied and she threw her arms around me, holding tight, before parting almost immediately.

« Look, there is something else ! » she said, taking a sheet of paper out of her sleeve. « Sai-To Haru-hi ! »

She showed me the 斎藤春日 kanji on her sheet of paper. I could see that she wrote it herself. So she was learning kanji too, now ? Soon, she'll be able to read properly.

« Good. » I said « the movements of your brush are assured. This kanji 日 is wrong though. » I frowned, pointing at the Hi of Haru-Hi.

« Really ?! » she said, disappointed, looking back at her paper « Harada-san said it was okay... »

« It says Haruhi but your name is spring princess, 春姫 not spring day or spring sun. It's what your mother chose. » I explained.

« Hum... » she frowned « But I don't know the kanji for princess yet... It's not fair, your name's easier... It's the first kanji I learned ! I'll ask Harada-san about the princess kanji after your meeting ! » she said, her smile back.

« Alright. » I nodded.

« I'll make some tea ! » she smiled, running to the kitchen.

I watched her go away. She was reminding me of Chizuru more everyday. A little less shy maybe but always eager to help. She was still punished and she didn't have the right to sword train but I was planing on releasing her soon. She was making a lot of efforts and deserved a reward.

I entered Hijikata-san's office for the meeting to find all the captains, even the Rasetsu ones, already there, but nothing could have prepared me to the news we got.

« Kondou-san has been shot. » said Hijikata-san with a glum face.

« What ?! » yelled Souji « what do you mean shot ?! »

« He got a bullet in the shoulder. » he explained.

« Where is he ?! » screamed Souji « let me see him ! »

« Shimada saved him and is currently taking him back to the Fushimi magistrate office but he won't be staying. We're sending him to Osaka to be taken in charge by Matsumoto-sensei. We don't know yet if his shoulder can recover. » he paused and we all stayed silent, knowing what that could imply « Souji, you're going too. »

« What do you mean ? » he asked, puzzled.

« You're too ill to fight and the shogunate army is nearly here. The city is going to change into a battlefield. You're going to Osaka with Kondou. »

I saw Souji grit his teeth, conflicted between his duty as Sword of The Shinsengumi, his declining health and his volition to be with Kondou-san.

« Okay... I'm going... » he surrendered and shrugged « but it's only to protect Kondou-san. I'm not trusting any of you to do it properly. Better if I'm the one taking care of it. »

« Good » said Hijikata-san with a small smile, probably expecting more protestations from Souji, before furrowing his brows again. « The Shogunate troops are soon to be here. They are planning on impressing the Satcho with a massive force in two strategical points. The troops will be dispatched in two different armies, one in Toba and one in Fushimi. We have been ordered to join the Fushimi army. Everyone will prepare their bags in the morning. We are leaving for the Fushimi magistrate office. »

So now, here we were. The war was finally upon us after years of gathering intels and small altercations, arresting imperialists rebels and executing traitors. Now the battlefield of the west was moving to Kyoto.

« There is something else. » said Sannan, looking at Chizuru with a smile.

He took little vials out of his sleeve. I saw it before, in Sannan's hand the night Chizuru tried to stop him, on Takeda's corpse when I killed him... I carried it for months when I was tailed...

« Ochimizu... » said Harada with wide eyes.

« Take your junk back, Sannan ! No way we're drinking that shit ! » yelled Nagakura.

I stayed silent, looking at Chizuru who was standing next to Sannan, silent. Did she really became a defensor of the Ochimizu ? I could hardly believe it. Haruhi chose this moment to enter with the tea but she sensed that the atmosphere was tensed. She gave some to everyone and exited the room politely. As soon as she was gone, the conversation resumed.

« My point isn't to force you. » said Sannan as if he was speaking to disobedient children « but I'd rather have you have one on you in case of emergency. What you do or don't do with it will be your own choice. »

I nodded and was the first to take a vial, followed by Inoue and the rest of the captains except Souji and Nagakura. Even Hijikata-san took one.

« You're insane. » said Nagakura to Sannan « You're all insane ! This shit is worse than death itself. I'd rather die a warrior than live a monster. I'm out of here. »

He got away, furious, and slammed the shoji on his way out. Toudou seemed on the verge of crying, probably hurt deeply by his friend's words. After a pause, Souji turned to Sannan with a smile.

« Can it cure me ? » he asked.

« We can't know for sure. » replied Sannan « but I do not think it can. We tried it on illnesses on volunteers but it didn't seem to work. »

« I see... » replied Souji with a sad smile « thanks for your honesty. »

« I repeat that the choice of using it will be yours. I just offer the possibility. » continued Sannan for the rest of us. « But with Saito-sensei's help, we've been able to find a medecine for the bloodlust. It's not one hundred percent effective yet but at least I can say that it's working well on myself and the rest of the corp. Heisuke can confirm. »

« That medecine helped me during an episode of bloodlust. » said Toudou with a serious expression « Chizuru-chan is working a lot on it with Sannan and I have full confidence that they will find a cure or a treatment. »

« I will give the medecine to all of you who have chosen to take the vial » added Chizuru « If you can avoid becoming Rasetsu, it's better... but if you make the choice, it will be a great help. »

She came to distribute little bags of powder to us all. We each had five and I unfolded one of them to look at this medecine. The powder was as crimson as the Ochimizu and I could easily decipher what the main ingredient was. I bowed to the vice commander and exited the room, since there was nothing else to discuss but Chizuru ran after me.

« Hajime ! » she yelled.

I turned to her and stopped walking. If she wanted to talk to me then, I was all ears.

« Why did you left like this ? Are you upset ? » she asked me, concerned.

I got the medecine out of my sleeve to put it in front of her eyes.

« This is made with your blood. » I said as a simple assessment.

« Y... Yeah, it's true but... » she replied, blushing « it helps them. Truely ! Have you seen the change in Sannan ? He doesn't look hungry all the time anymore... »

_Because he feasts on your blood. Can't you see how obscene it is to give this to me ? A serum that can change me into a monster and a medecine made with the blood of the person I love the most ? _

« Toudou knows ? » I asked her coldly.

« No... » she blushed, avoiding my gaze « apart from Sannan and I, no one does... »

« Chizuru » I asked eventually in my toneless voice « would you rather have me taking the Ochimizu if I were condemned to die ? »

I don't know why I asked her but in this instant, I needed to know what were her feelings about it.

« I... I don't know... » she confessed « I've asked myself that question before. I don't want you to die but the life of a Rasetsu isn't life. I don't think there is a good choice but... I don't think that you should take it. I see how Sannan and Heisuke struggle everyday with their bloodlust. I don't want this for you... It's... It's like a curse... Still, I don't want you to die either. »

« I see. » I nodded.

« Are you mad ? » she asked in a shy voice « about the medecine... »

« What is done, is done. » I said, masking my true emotions « being angry wouldn't change anything. »

« But you are. » she stated.

« I am. » I confirmed.

If she had been able to see it then there was no point in lying to her. But that didn't mean that I was willing to go on with this conversation. I knew she wouldn't stop her researchs whatever I could say anyway.

« Are you going to Osaka ? » I asked her, changing the subject.

« We need a doctor on the battlefield. I'm staying. » she said with volition burning in her eyes.

I didn't like that either, having her on the battlefield, but I knew that her mind was made up on this subject as well and that it was only logical. Whatever my feelings for her were, we still needed to have a doctor. I saw Souji from afar and took the opportunity to leave.

« I have to talk to Souji. » I said and I went his way without even waiting for an answer. He served me his usual grin when he saw me approaching.

« That was a meeting rich in events, wasn't it Hajime-kun ? » he chuckled as if the subject wasn't sinister.

« I need to ask you a favor, Souji. » I replied in my toneless voice.

« What could you want from a dying man ? » he asked with a smirk.

« Take Haruhi to Osaka. »

He opened wide eyes before serving me another smile but this one wasn't wry like the ones he used to make. It was a genuine, caring smile full of understanding.

« Count on me. » he said « I'll look after her and Kondou-san. »

« Maybe she'll look after you both. » I replied.

« Probably » he chuckled « She'll be safe with us. Chizuru isn't going ? »

« No. » I said coldly to close the conversation on that particular point.

« Hajime ! »

Speaking of the devil, Haruhi was running my way again with another sheet of paper.

« Look ! It's good this time ! Haru-hi, spring princess ! »

I passed my hand in her hair with a smile and crouched in front of her.

« Haruhi, prepare your bag. We're moving to Fushimi and in a few days, you're going to Osaka. » I said calmly.

« What do you mean ? » she asked with wide eyes « You're not coming ? »

« My duty commands me to stay here. »

« Then I'm not going either ! » she protested, shaking her head.

« Come on Haru-chan ! It'll be fun ! » tried Souji with a big smile « We are going together and with Kondou-san too. »

She looked at Souji then at me again and grabbed my kimono with her little hands.

« I don't want to leave you... » she started crying and I brought her to my arms.

« I'll see you soon. You are a Saito and a Saito always do its duty with honor. I will do mine, Chizuru will do hers and you will do yours. Can I trust you to take care of Souji and Kondou-san ? » I asked her in my toneless voice. She nodded and wiped her tears. « Good. Now go and prepare your bag. »

I watched her go until she was out of sight and I turned to Souji one last time.

« Something happens to her and you're dead. » I threatened him.

« I'm already dead. » he shrugged.

« You will wish for it if I come for you. » I continued as coldly.

« Normally the death threats are kinda my thing. » he chuckled « but I promise you I'll keep her safe. »

« Good. » I replied and I went back to my room. I needed to pack too if we were to leave in the morning for Fushimi.

**Author note : calm before storm ! We're nearly finished with this particular arc ! Can't avoid Toba-Fushimi forever LoL.**


	44. Cannon

January 1868

In the Fushimi magistrate office, proximity was unbearable. We were all sleeping in big dormitories, even Chizuru and Haruhi, and even if we tried to separate healthy men from the ills and injured, it wasn't that easy. Still, that posting was a logical choice. The magistrate gathered all the shogunate affiliated warriors and all the weapons, allowing us to answer rapidly to the battle call. The shogunate army of Osaka had been joined by new forces from Edo and shogunate officials, forced to quit Kyoto by the SatCho.

On New Years eve, Chizuru, Haruhi and I took a moment to get to the temple for predictions and benediction. Just like the previous years, I picked « kyo », bad luck, and tied it to a pine tree. Chizuru was going to chuckle as usual but she got exactly the same omen and her smile faded as she tied it next to mine. Haruhi got Kichi, best luck, though and I was relieved, thinking that she would be safe after all. When we got back from the temple, I could see that Chizuru was still thinking about her prediction.

« Do not worry about it. » I told her.

« But... It's the first time that I pick an omen that bad... » she muttered, anxious.

« You tied it to the pine tree. It should be enough to defuse it. » I reassured her but I could still see the doubt on her face. « I've been picking kyo for 4 years now. The first time I picked it, you agreed to be with me. The second time, you allowed me to touch you. The third time, you agreed to be my wife. I'm not afraid for this fourth time. »

She looked up to me and smiled genuinely with love and tenderness before grabbing my arm, cuddling against my shoulder as we walked back to the headquarters, Haruhi besides us.

« You're right. » she eventually said « the pine will defuse it. »

Just after the new year, Kondou-san, Souji and Haruhi moved to Osaka. I hoped during days that Chizuru would choose to join them but she didn't. My fear of loosing her was getting bigger with each day getting us closer to warfare. If it was up to me, I would have thrown her into a palanquin direction Osaka but I knew that her competence would be needed on the front.

The tension was palpable in every corner. Moral had been badly hurt along with Kondou's shoulder but also by the rounds getting more intense and the non-celebration of the New Year. We had to keep vigilant and I hoped that all captains could try to explain it to the men but of course, Nagakura wouldn't shut up about it, complaining about the absence of sake, mochi and zôni. He told us that Satsuma was probably celebrating New Year too so what was the big deal ?! I wanted to slap his face every damn time. We needed to show the men cohesion in order to keep morale up and he wasn't really helping.

The rounds were more often than before but it was necessary. Imperialists were often lighting fires in the city and we had to react quickly to avoid any propagation. From militia, we were turning into firefighters. I knew that all this was also a strategy to make us quit, loose morale, tire us and make us unable to fight when the armies would collide. The Mimawarigumi was encountering the same problems in Toba.

We were returning from a round with Nagakura and Harada and Chizuru greeted us. It wasn't the same as before when it was innocent greetings. Now everytime we were leaving, she had fear in her eyes, and everytime we were back, she looked relieved. I knew she was thinking everytime that she would probably not see us again.

« Are you hungry ? » she asked with a nervous smile « I made a lot of Onigiri for everyone. Now that there is more rounds, I know that you can't always come back to eat so maybe you should take some when you go out. »

« Thanks Chizuru-chan » said Harada with a smile « I think I'll eat some ! »

« Same for me » added Nagakura « I'm starving ! »

I stayed silent and she looked at me, puzzled. I knew I shouldn't be like this with her but I was getting more and more introvert as time of war was approaching. My stomach was knotted all the time even if I was impassive on the outside. I feared for her, I feared for Haruhi, I feared for our cause and our comrades. It wasn't only the war but also Kaoru's words spinning in my head. Kazama would be coming for Chizuru and she didn't seem to be with child. That was putting her in danger.

« Hajime ? » she asked « You want some too ? »

« Ha. » I nodded and she handed me one.

I looked at the rice ball, feeling my stomach knot itself and make me acknowledge that it wasn't really eager to eat.

« It's pickle plum inside. There is also this ! » she said, handing me another dish « I know tofu is your favorite. Don't tell the men because I haven't done enough of it. » she added with a conspirator wink.

I smiled at the view of the grilled tofu she did. She probably noticed that I wasn't really feeling well recently and even if she did some for all the captains, I could see that her intentions were to cheer me up. I didn't deserve someone as caring as she was. I picked the grilled tofu too and bowed to her.

« Thank you, Chizuru. » I simply said but as simple as it was, I saw her smile grow bigger.

« Ohh ! Grilled tofu, huh ? » smiled Nagakura « come to papa ! »

He grabbed a handful, as expected from him and Chizuru scolded him.

« No ! » she frowned, taking it back « there are also some for Inoue, Hijikata-san and the others ! Only two per person for the moment ! If you are still hungry, take more Onigiri but don't touch that tofu ! »

Harada laughed and tapped on Nagakura's shoulder, mocking him. Nagakura made a pout but didn't object and we all ate our lunch together peacefully, savoring the flavors of Chizuru's cooking and this precious moment of calm before the storm.

A sound broke the silence.

It was a sound I knew by heart. A gunshot. And it was near. The three of us stood up immediately.

« So it begins... » muttered Harada and that sounded like an omen.

« Who do you think fired that shot ? » asked Nagakura « I'm going out. »

« Calm down. » I said in my toneless voice « we won't do anything until the vice-commander returns. »

« Saito's right. » confirmed Harada « someone needs to tell the rest of the men. Might as well be me. »

I nodded and he ran off. The atmosphere in the magistrate changed immediately. The tension was now not only lingering but filling the building in its whole.

« What should I do ? » asked Chizuru, panicked.

« Chizuru, you should.. » I started but my sentence was cut halfway.

A deafening explosion tore through the air making the building itself shook. That wasn't a gunshot this time.

« What the hell ?! » yelled Nagakura « Felt like an earthquake ! That means... »

He looked at me and we both ran out the building to get an understanding of the situation.

« What the fuck is this shit ?! » yelled Nagakura again as a second explosion echoed.

« A cannon. » I answered calmly.

« A cannon ? » he repeated, eyes wide « shit ! »

« It seems to be positioned in the Ryu'un temple. Probably Satsuma. » I analysed the situation quickly.

The cannon fired again and we ran back inside to explain the situation to Chizuru and Harada, who was already back.

« Damn it, fuck ! » yelled Nagakura in anger « If this keeps up, we're toast ! »

« Shinpachi ! » replied Harada « Can't we just go over there and take their cannon? »

« Maybe... » he answered, calming himself « but it won't be easy... They are probably defending it with a lot of firearms too. »

« Can't we do something ?! » yelled Chizuru, completely terrified « like.. shoot back at them ?! Can we do that ?! »

I looked at her, thinking once more that I should have used my autority as husband to force her to go to Osaka. Because of me, now she was there, trembling under cannon fire.

« ... We do have a cannon. » I said grudgingly.

« Then lets shoot back ! »

« It wouldn't be very effective. They have the high ground. » I explained « If we fire from down here, we would be lucky to reach them. Besides, the temple is surrounded by a forest. It would serve them as natural shield. »

Chizuru eyes widened, desperate. There was nothing we could do against that cannon and she was starting to understand it. As another explosion echoed near us, Shimada entered the magistrate's office.

« We're in trouble ! » he said with force « the Satsuma are trying to surround us ! »

I gritted my teeth and tried to think as fast and hard as I could. I needed a solution. Now. My mind was working furiously, examining every options that I could have. And Hijikata-san who wasn't there... He would have known what to do !

« The building has taken a hella lot of damage » I heard behind me « if these bastards keep bombarding us, it'll collapse. »

« Fukuchô. » I bowed, using my toneless voice but deep inside, I felt so relieved to have him here.

« Hijikata-san, what can we do ? » asked Chizuru, desperate.

« Kondou put me in charge and I think he wanted us to still be around when he comes back. » he said with furrowed brows « We are going on the counterattack. »

His words brought morale up instantly, just like a true leader was supposed to.

« It's about time ! Let's do this ! » yelled Nagakura with his fist up.

« What's the plan, Hijikata ? » asked Harada « shoot them with our cannon ? »

« No point shooting from here » he said, aligning on my judgment « we need to take it up to the front line and if we're lucky, maybe we can take their cannon. »

« Alright ! » said Harada with a smile « that's more like it ! »

Everyone seemed all pumped up and I had to admit I was too. We could win.

« Hajime... » asked Chizuru « How many men do they have ? Do we really have a chance ? »

« Our forces are composed of 15 000 men. The Satsuma have barely 5 000. »

« So... We are going to win, right ? »

I took a moment to think before answering. In war, nothing was never certain and I had no way of knowing the outcome of that battle.

« One cannot always achieve victory through force of arms. » I told her coldly.

_Why ? Why didn't you go to Osaka when you had the chance ?!_

She didn't reply and withdrew inward her mind, probably asking herself the same question.


	45. Toba-Fushimi

« Alright ! » barked Hijikata-san « Don't let any of those honorless bastard put even a foot inside the magistrate's office. We can beat them ! »

The men cheered in response, all pumped up and Inoue entered the room, his uniform on.

« Gen, you stay here with Saito-sensei. All the wounded will have to be sent back to you to get patched up. The rest are going with me to attack their headquarters. »

« Count on me, Toshi. » nodded Inoue.

« According to our best intelligence, the enemy headquarters are at Gokounomiya Shrine. » continued the vice-commander « Unfortunately, between us and them is a big hill and they've got a bunch of guns on top of it. We'll be exposed... »

Even Chizuru seemed to understand what it meant. If we wanted to win, we would have to run straight into a line of gunfire, abandoning the wounded and dead, until we reach them and thrust our forces into the heart of the enemy encampment. It was kind of a suicide squad. There was a moment of silence before Nagakura chuckled and locked his eyes on Hijikata-san with a confident smile.

« I'm taking care of that. » he claimed.

« Are you sure, Shinpachi ? » asked Hijikata-san with a small voice.

« Someone's gotta do it. Might as well be me. I'd rather do this than sitting around here and getting pounded. » he turned to his men, the second division, and served them an enormous, confident smile « sorry guys ! But it looks like your captain just volunteered to get us all shot to hell ! But hey, at least we'll go off to the next life together ! »

« You don't need to apologize, Nagakura-kumichô » replied Shimada « We are samurai. We'll give our lives for victory. I'm coming too. »

_Give our lives for victory. That was the true samurai spirit. _

« All right. » continued Hijikata-san « second division will take care of this »

« No way he's taking all the credit. » said Harada with a smile « the tenth division will watch out for your flanks, Shinpachi ! »

The three volunteers looked at each others like brothers in arms and left with their men with grins and playful banter. Neither of them showed any sign of fear. I realized that this was maybe the last image I'd have of them. This mission was suicide. Necessary, but suicide nonetheless.

« Saito. You and your men take down that cannon. If you fail, we're all screwed. »

« Understood. » I agreed.

It was only logical to send only a small force to Ryu'un temple. The big of their forces wasn't there. If I could silence that cannon, the magistrate's office would be safe. I was grateful for him to give me the mission that gave me the chance to protect Chizuru.

« Hajime... » started Chizuru, fear invading her eyes and I knew what she was going to ask from me.

« Stay here. » I ordered her. « there is no guarantee you'll come out of this alive if you follow me into battle. »

« Same goes for you. » she said in a broken voice.

_Dying while protecting you and the Shinsengumi would be the most honorable death I could wish for._

I didn't answer and turned around with my unit, heading for the Ryu'un temple.

« Hajime ! » I head behind me « don't die ! »

I gritted my teeth and stayed impassive. I needed the men to see me resolved, unfaltering. My steps were assured and we exited the building. Outside, Nagakura, Harada and Shimada had successfully created an opening in the enemy lines and we took advantage of it.

« Third division ! » I shouted « with me ! »

We all started running towards the temple until we reached the forest. For us too, the trees were like natural shields. We walked silently, trying to take advantage in the sun setting down in the afternoon, becoming shadows between the trees. The cannon was echoing in the whole forest, making the ground tremble underneath our feet.

The ambush shouldn't have surprised us but it did. We didn't hear them coming. When we heard the riffles, it was already too late and I could witness my comrades fall one after the other.

« Hide ! » I shouted.

The confusion was total, we got our swords out and tried to fight back but the riflemen were organized and they had been waiting for us. Casualties were getting heavier and I gritted my teeth in both pain and anger. Were we really going to end up like this ?

We managed to held our position for hours, hiding in the trees and bushes, luring the riflemen in traps. Still, we couldn't manage to go forward and reach the cannon. We were doomed. Before long, I was the last man standing. Out of nowhere, a salmon color caught my eye and I turned, terrified.

« Chizuru ! » I shouted « run ! »

« Haji.. » she yelled in return.

She didn't have time to finish to utter my name. A bullet went through her abdomen and I saw her eyes empty themselves as she fell on the ground, mouth agap, her hair flowing around her.

« CHIZURU ! » I screamed, running toward her.

« Cease fire. » I heard but I didn't process it. I kneeled before her, looking at the bullet hole in her stomach and her kimono slowly tainting itself with the crimson liquid.

« Hajime... » she whispered.

« Don't speak, Chizuru ! » I said, applying pressure on the wound. « Just stay still, alright. »

« Hajime... Don't worry... » she murmured with a small smile « it'll heal... »

« You don't know that ! » I said desperately.

I looked at the wound but it didn't seem to heal and I put my hands back on it.

« Let me see. » I heard, and I put my hand on the pommel of my katana.

Behind me was Amagiri Kyuju and he kneeled next to Chizuru as well, trying to remove my hands.

« I forbid you to touch her ! » I shouted.

« Move, Saito Hajime. » he said calmly « if you want me to save her. »

_Save her ? Can you really do that ? _

I took my hands away and let the Oni look at the wound.

« No vitals are touched but the blood loss can be a problem even if she's a demon. Female Oni aren't as resilient as men. » he said in his low calm voice « give me your scarf. »

I obeyed instantly and he opened Chizuru's kimono to patch her stomach. I gritted my teeth as he exposed her bare skin but that was irrelevant. He could save her, he said it. I didn't know why but I trusted him. I picked Chizuru's hairpins that fell on the floor and put them in my sleeve pocket, along with Yuki's one.

« The bullet is out, that is a good thing. » he nodded while wrapping my scarf around Chizuru's abdomen. « It will heal but it'll probably take hours. Except if she turns into her demon self. Then it'll go faster. »

« Hajime... » she called again, on the verge of loosing consciousness.

« Chizuru, you have to transform. » I said, trying to keep her awake.

« I don't know how... »

I turned to Amagiri, hoping he could explain it to her. But what he said just froze my blood.

« Do not worry » he explained Chizuru « Kazama is on it's way. He'll protect you. »

I stood up, hand on the pommel of my katana. « No one is taking her. »

« You got her shot. » said Amagiri as a sentence, still kneeling « you are unfit to protect her. »

_You do realize it is your men who shot her ?!_

I positioned myself above Chizuru, her lying body between my legs and I took a fighting stance, shielding her. I would not repeat myself and I would not let them take her. Amagiri stood up and crossed his arms, looking down on me with his icy turquoise eyes.

« You will die if you try to stop him. » he said calmly. « He wants her. »

I unsheathed my sword with a desperate roar, aiming at his neck and he blocked me with his gloves. I kept attacking, making him back off but as rapid and powerful that my blows were, he blocked them one after the other.

« It's intriguing. » he said calmly while I was already panting « Impressive how you can hold your own against a demon. You are only human. »

« Hajime... The Satsuma are attacking the magistrate's office... You need to come back... » I heard Chizuru whisper on the ground.

« What ?! » I asked in disbelief.

« They're gonna die... Inoue... Yamazaki... They need you... I was supposed to deliver... the message...»

« Understood. » I said, my composure and warrior spirit back « I will not waste anymore time. »

I leaped forward with tremendous speed and aimed at Amagiri's throat once more. He dodged it again and aimed for my side but I deflected his blow with my left arm and struck again, trying to cut through his stomach with my katana. He avoided it but I took an opening to launch another attack. The Oni was starting to be in difficulty. I continued to go forward, pushing him away from Chizuru and got successful when I finally slid across his cheek.

« I thought I understood fully how able you were but I was mistaken. » said Amagiri calmly « I'd never thought a human could hold his own against me. You are a warrior of legendary skills, Saito. I don't think many demons could overpower you. »

« You overestimate me. » I said with the same calm « I am merely a samurai. But I would die protecting her. »

« Then I guess you leave me no choice. » sighed Amagiri.

His hair turned white, his eyes golden and horns appeared on his forehead, just like Chizuru in her demon self. I knew that this fight was taking a turn that wasn't in my favor.


	46. Demon

I tried not to let him see how impressed I was by his demon form and positioned myself in front of Chizuru once more. Whatever he coud try, I would not let her without protection.

« Hajime... » I heard, coming from Chizuru's lips but I ignored it, focused only on my adversary.

He came at me with a remarkable speed. It was inhuman. I hissed while blocking his attacks, one after the other, but I was feeling slower and I didn't know how long I could keep it going. I started panting, exhausted, but my volition didn't falter. This was a battle for the mind to win. If I let uncertainty invade my heart, I would undoubtedly loose and that was out of the question. I had to win.

Slowly, I was feeling that I was loosing control, putting more violence in my blows but controlling them less and less. I needed to be faster, faster... faster... That was my only chance to get out of it alive, with her. But Amagiri was more powerful than me. The demon form was enhancing his speed, his strength. His movements were hard to follow for my eyes and body. I knew what the outcome of this duel would be. There could be only one.

I was going to die.

Sooner or later, Amagiri would be able to strike through my guard and it would be the end of me. But I was accepting it. A warrior's death was the only thing I wished for for years. I just needed not to die now, I needed to buy time. For her.

Every minutes during which I could protect her was giving her time to heal. Maybe if I could hold it long enough, she would be able to stand up, to run, to escape. And then, my duty of protecting her would be fulfilled and I could die happy, without any regrets.

« Hajime... » she called again.

I saw in the corner of my eye that she had been able to crawl to a nearby tree and sit, resting her head and back against it. The healing process was in motion. That gave me strength. I roared and threw myself against Amagiri with furious intensity, not only defending now but counterattacking. Chizuru was counting on me. She had faith in me. I couldn't decieve her.

Something changed in Amagiri's posture and he backed off, putting himself out of my reach at tremendous speed.

« Enough. » he said.

Panting, trembling, I kept my fighting stance and my guard up but Amagiri changed back to a normal form and crossed his arms. Could it be the end of our duel ?

« You are a man of incredible quality, Saito Hajime. » he said calmly « Killing you would be dishonorable. Run. »

« I'm not leaving her. » I said with steel in my voice even if the panting was making it difficult.

« Take her. She seems to have healed enough for you to carry her. » he continued and I couldn't believe my ears.

« What side are you on ?! » I shouted, confusion making its way painfully into my head.

« Hers. » he answered in his low voice « You proved yourself worthy to protect the heir of the Yukimura clan. I can see how dedicated you are to her. Take her and run before Kazama gets to you. He will not be as conciliatory as I am. »

I hesitated, keeping my guard up. If it was a trap, I wouldn't be fooled by it.

« Hajime... Inoue... Yamazaki... We have to go... » cried Chizuru.

« Run ! » repeated Amagiri and I sheathed my sword in a hurry.

I ran towards Chizuru and put my arms in her back and under her knees.

« You're ready ? Maybe it's going to hurt... » I said in a low voice.

She nodded and screamed when I pulled her up but the bandage around her stomach didn't taint itself with more blood. I had confidence that the wound wasn't reopened. I turned to Amagiri, still not understanding why he decided to let us go.

« Thank you, Amagiri Kyuju. » I said solemnly in my toneless voice.

« Do not thank me, just run. » he replied calmly « He's already on his way. »

I nodded and started running towards the border of the forest to reach the Fushimi magistrate's office. My legs were burning and the air entering my lungs felt like burning lava. I had a good constitution but running on a rugged terrain with swords and a woman in my arms, that was something hard even for me, especially after a battle like the one I just fought.

« Are you alright, Chizuru ? » I asked, still running.

She didn't answer and I looked at her face to see that she was unconscious. I gritted my teeth, hoping that what I was doing wasn't going to send her to the after life. When I arrived on the hill, I saw Fushimi in flames... The magistrate's office... Did the Satcho do this or our own men when they retreated ? I had no way of knowing but I kept running, hoping to find our comrades near the brazier. We weren't defeated yet. Not as long as the shogunate and the Shinsengumi were alive. Not as long as I was a warrior.

I reached the magistrate's office to find it still burning in flames. I could see corpses on the ground, numerous, but two of them caught my attention. One was Inoue, wearing his Shinsengumi haori and the other, all dressed in black, was Yamazaki. We were too late.

I tried to find an alternate plan. Without an unit and with Chizuru hurt, going to join the others at Gokounomiya had no point. I put Chizuru on the ground to remove my haori. Now wasn't the good time to draw attention. My eyes stopped on the Makoto on the back and a lot of conflicted feelings invaded my heart. I tossed it on the ground and picked Chizuru back up to run again, towards Yodo castle this time. It was a strategical point of retreat for the shogunate forces. If I had to take her somewhere, it should be there. The castle wasn't really that far anyway, I wouldn't even have to quit Fushimi.

I ran as fast as I could but when I arrived to the castle, the doors were closed.

« Open the doors ! » I shouted « I've got an injured ! »

I threw my fist on the wood until it ached, imploring them to open the damn door but they turned a deaf ear. I saw something move above me and I was going to yell at them to help us when I saw the moonlight reflect on metal.

I turned my heals and ran but I was too slow. The bullet entered my flank and I hissed in pain but I didn't stop my course.

Yodo had betrayed us. The magistrate's office was in flames. The cannon was still shooting. The Shinsengumi warriors were falling on the front lines. Everything went downhill fast and I was still standing, witnessing the downfall of my side.

There was only one option that remained for me now : Osaka.

I needed to take Chizuru there, get her out of the city so she would be safe. I stayed in the shadows, silent, with Chizuru still unconscious in my arms. I needed to reach the Zenitori Bridge, the one where I killed Takeda, to exit the city and go south, to Osaka.

As expected, the bridge was guarded but it was only a small force. Still, they had guns and I was carrying Chizuru. The odds weren't really in my favor. I tried to evaluate my options. I couldn't go on that bridge with Chizuru, that would be suicide. I couldn't swim with her. In January, she would froze to death. There was only one possibility if I wanted to take her to the other side.

I put Chizuru down, hiding her between baskets in a back alley and undressed myself, leaving all my clothing with her, my wakizashi and both my scabbards. I plunged in the frozen water as silently as possible and reached the other side, keeping my katana out of the water but trying my best not to let the moonlight reflect on it. The water was burning my skin, cold and sharp, and so did the wind when I got out. I reached the bridge silently and got closer to the men guarding it. They expected enemies to come from inside the city, fleeing, not from the outside. I was able to surprise them and took down the dozen before they could even realize I was there. My naked body also added to their confusion.

I took one of their clothing to wipe the water off me and went back to Chizuru. I put back on my kimono, obi and swords and took her in my arms again, crossing the bridge.


	47. Surgery

I kept walking in the shadows for hours, trying to keep an eye on the road but not walking on it. I had no desire to turn myself into a target. Each of my steps was more painful than the previous one. Chizuru was starting to get heavy now that I was more tired and with less adrenaline and the wound on my flank was still dripping with blood. I knew that the bullet was still inside, ripping my flesh. I could feel it.

« Hajime... »

My eyes went down to Chizuru's face, her eyes open and I sighed with relief.

« Where are we ? Where's everyone ? »

I didn't answer. I needed to put all my energy into walking to put as much distance as I could between her and the city. The sun was starting to rise and the riflemen will be able to aim with more precision again, putting us in danger.

« Hajime, I think I can walk... » she objected.

« No you can't. » I replied, panting.

She stayed silent again, looking at my face. I didn't know what I looked like in this instant but she started wiggling in my arms, trying to escape my grip.

« Chizuru, stop. » I said with authority.

« You're hurt. » she objected « let me see. »

« I am not. » I replied, using my toneless voice.

« You're lying. I can see the sweat on your face, the way you ground your teeth in pain, the difficulty you have to move your body. So now, stop lying to me and Put. Me. Down. » she said with as much authority as I used and I smiled a little.

« Alright. » I surrendered « wait a second. »

I went deeper in the forest and found a secure spot surrounded with bushes, hiding us from unwanted eyes. I laid her down and sat next to her.

« Where are you hurt ? » she asked.

« You first. » I replied with a voice that left no room for discussion.

I removed the bandage on her stomach made with my scarf and tried to get off the dried blood so I could see the curent state of the wound. The hole was still there but it was only a third of what it was. She was healing. Thanks gods, she was healing.

« Satisfied ? » she asked with a small smile « now show me yours. »

I nodded and opened my kimono and nagajuban to show her my side, where the bullet was painfully digging itself deeper in my flesh with each of my movements. She tried to get up but her wound was still too severe for her to move properly.

« I can't move... » she realized « You'll have to remove the bullet. »

I nodded. I knew that I'd have to do it myself anyway. I unsheathed my wakizashi. A shorter blade would be easier to wield for this kind of operation than my katana.

« Come closer. » she said to me. « I'll guide you. »

I did as she said and she looked at my side with attention before speaking again, putting her finger a bit lower under the bullet hole.

« Cut here. Not too deep, about 5 cm. Be careful for your liver if you go too high. And stay really on the side overwise you could pierce a kidney. »

I did as she said, hissing in pain. I've been wounded before, a lot, but practicing surgery on myself, that was a first.

« Good now plunge your fingers inside the wound. That will be very painful. The bullet must be just above the cut, probably you can grab it. »

She was right. It was extremely painful but I managed to extract the bullet.

« Can we make a fire ? » she asked.

« No. » I shook my head « There are still enemies out there. »

« Then we can't cauterize. You'll have to bandage and change it regularly until we can do something better. »

I cut the bottom of my nagajuban and made a tight bandage around my stomach. I was feeling better already now that the bullet was removed but I still wasn't in really good shape. I wanted to stand up to start walking again but she caught my shoulder.

« You're not going to walk in your current state. »

« Chizuru, we need to reach Osaka. » I explained.

« That can wait. Now you rest. » she said, furrowing her brows.

« It cannot wait. We need to get there as quickly as possible. »

« You do not move. » she ordered in her commanding princess voice « Hajime, you look terrible. You need to rest otherwise you'll just kill yourself in exhaustion. »

She was right. I would have listened in normal circumstances but there were too many enemies. The Choshu, the Satsuma... The more hours pass, the more they could organize themselves and start to hunt the remaining shogunate allies down. And Kazama... Amagiri told me to run to protect her. Maybe he was already following our tracks.

« Hajime, if you start walking again, you'll only be a moving target, easy to spot. » she said, grabbing my sleeve. « This spot is perfect for hiding and Kyoto is already far behind. Let's rest and wait for the dark to hide our steps. In a few hours, I will be totally healthy and I'll support you, just like you supported me. So... Please, rest... Please... »

I nodded grudgingly and lied next to her, letting the bushes be our natural shield. My wound was the worst I ever had and the pain was violent but the relief to see her heal was far more intense. She could make it. Maybe without me but she could make it and that was the only relevant thing. We just needed to keep walking and reach Osaka.

Even if I was eager to continue our route, I felt the exhaustion taking me and I fell asleep, resting just like she ordered me to. I don't know how long I slept until the gunshots woke me up. They were close and moving in line. They would probably find us.

« We need to go. » I said to Chizuru and she stood up with difficulty but still managed to walk. We moved from our spot, looking all around us to be sure we weren't seen and tried to make no sound. We needed to move silently and that was easier for me than for her. She never had all the training I had.

« If we continue this way, we will be able to reach Osaka before morning. » I told her, trying to sound confident.

« I can't wait for the dark... These gunshots are terrifying... » she muttered in response.

We kept walking together and her steps were getting more confident. After a while, I could decipher that she was totally healed. That should have been relieving me and it did, but I was also feeling angry. She was walking normally, her steps assured, while I was panting, holding my side, trying to ignore the pain in my wound. I was feeling weak, unworthy. And having her all healthy next to me wasn't really helping. I hated that she could witness me in this pathetic state.

« Let me help you. » she said, passing my arm around her shoulders so I could use her as support.

« I don't need you help. » I replied a lot harsher than I wished I had.

« Now isn't the time for misplaced sense of pride, Hajime. » she answered, ignoring my protestation.

She helped me walk until twilight set and we were able to relax a bit more. The gunshots became less numerous and faded until they disappeared completely. The dark was protecting us. Only a few more hours and we would be at the doors of Osaka castle. I didn't know how they'd welcome me there... A captain without a division... I lost all my men, even Tetsuya, near the Ryu'un temple and I fled, not even honorable enough to die with the rest of them. Maybe they will ask me to seppuku to clean my name. I didn't care. The only thing that mattered was to put Chizuru to safety. If I died before reaching Osaka or if they asked me to perform ritual suicide, it wouldn't matter as long as she was safe. I would die with honor, protecting what I sworn to protect.


	48. Downfall

« Hajime, can we stop a few minutes ? » asked Chizuru.

I looked at her. She seemed totally healthy and I suspected her to ask this so that I would rest, more than herself.

« We're less than two hours away. » I objected.

« Yeah... but my feet are sore and I'm not feeling very well... » she added.

« I'll carry you. » I said calmly, not fooled by her attitude.

« Hajime, you can't be serious. » she furrowed her brows, annoyed. « We need to stop. You look pale, there's no more blood in your face, you're still panting and sweating and you look on the verge of collapsing with each step. »

« I can walk. » I affirmed.

« Alright. » she said, sitting down « then walk alone. »

« Chizuru... » I implored.

« I will not look at my husband while he chooses to kill himself just because he's got too much pride to admit that he needs some rest. » she crossed her arms « If you want to continue, fine. I stay here. »

« Alright... » I sighed « but not here. Give me a minute to find a better spot. »

« Okay. » she said with a smile, getting up « but not more than a minute. »

I looked around and walked some more until I found a big tree which I could lay against. There were ferns nearby that we could use to hide. It wasn't a perfect spot but it was the only one we had.

I laid against the tree and Chizuru opened my kimono and took off my bandage. First thing that stroke me was the smell. It wasn't looking good and I could see a silent question in her eyes.

_How can you still walk with this ?! _

« It's infected. » she stated « I will have to clean it but we don't have any water... So I will need to use a blade to remove the pus and the infected tissues. I will also have to make a fire to cauterize. »

« You can't make a fire. » I said firmly.

« If I don't make one, you'll die before we reach Osaka. »

« If you make one, we'll both die. » I sighed, fighting the pain and fever « Chizuru, go. »

« What do you mean, go ? » she asked, her eyes widden.

« I won't make it and I'm slowing you down. We both know it. » I said calmly « I won't let them take you. »

« No way I'm leaving you to die. » she shook her head vigorously « I'm making this fire. Either we're both getting out of here alive or I'm leaving this world with you. »

« I refuse. »

« You ain't in any position to refuse anything. I will walk alongside you whatever path you must take, remember ? »

« Then walk for gods sake ! » I erupted.

The fever was making me lower my guard, allowing all my raging emotions to leak out my impassive mask. I tried to stand again, resume walking, but her hand pined me to the ground. Was she really that strong or was I becoming weaker ?

She made her damn fire that I was sure would sign our downfall but she wouldn't listen anyway. She took off the tanto she got on our wedding day from her obi and unsheathed it. She cut in her kimono, the salmon one with the plums.

_I liked that kimono, she was radiant in it... I will never get the chance to see her with it again... And the yukata, the yellow one with the fireworks... It probably burned in the magistrate's office along with what she wore on our wedding and the haori Kondou-san offered me... The midnight blue one with the Makoto... The Makoto... The Shinsengumi... Kondou-san... The flames... My men..._

Thoughts, just like emotions were swirling in my head without any discipline or organization. I was loosing control. The fever was slowly taking me.

She used a piece of cloth to wipe what she could from my wound, then a second one and a third one. How could such a tiny bullet make so much pus ? She was squeezing my side, making it flow outside my body but I didn't scream or cry. The pain felt so far away as if my spirit was already gone from my body. She used the tanto to cut all the infected tissus inside the wound and looked at it pensively.

« I think that's enough. » she said putting the tanto in the flames of her fire. « Are you ready for me to cauterize ? »

I think I nodded. I'm not even sure... She waited for the blade to be red-hot and I closed my eyes when she approached it. It was the most painful thing I ever experienced and I bit the inside of my cheek so hard that I felt the taste of blood in my mouth but I didn't scream.

« Are you okay ? » she asked.

« Ha. » I answered, panting.

« Try to sleep. » she said, cleaning her tanto « we will walk again when your fever starts to drop. »

« The fire... » I whispered.

She nodded and threw the spoiled piece of cloth into the brazier to kill the infection.

« When it's burnt, I'll extinct the fire. » she affirmed me. « Please, sleep Hajime. »

I didn't want to lie down, fearing that death could take me, but I closed my eyes, my back still supported by the tree. I woke up a bit later and with my blurry eyes, I saw that she really extincted the fire. She was lying next to me, asleep, and I brought a shaking hand to her hair, carressing it, before feeling the tiredness taking me once more.

The second time I woke up, I was feeling better. The fever was still there, the pain too, but nothing that could stop me from walking. Chizuru was looking at my flank and she closed my kimono.

« How are you feeling ? » she asked me.

« Good. » I answered firmly. « We have to walk, take advantage of the dark. »

« Are you sure you can do it ? » she asked, concerned.

« Why are you wasting your time with this kind of filth ? » I heard in a very recognizable arrogant voice.

The timing couldn't have been worse for Kazama Chikage to find us. Shit. Only two more hours, maybe less, and Chizuru would have been safe... I stood up, helping me with the tree and took a defensive stance.

Kazama was smiling with an arrogant grin. He could see that I was hurt and that was delighting him. Chizuru's eyes were going from him to me and back to him again, wondering what to do.

« Come behind me. » I told her firmly.

« But Hajime, you can't... »

« Do as I say. » I ordered her but she didn't move.

« Oh ? You really think you can protect her ? » said Kazama, smiling some more « that's pathetic. You are nothing more than an insect. »

« Hajime, please, sit down. » implored Chizuru.

« Why do you protect him, Yukimura ? » said Kazama, unsheathing his sword.

Chizuru frowned and looked at him with hatred and volition, her little fists clenched.

« I'm not Yukimura. I am Saito Chizuru and you will leave us alone ! » she yelled in anger.

Kazama's grin disappeared, replaced by a rictus of anger.

« You married _that _? » he asked with disgust « you turned your back on your kin, on your legacy for this kind of trash ? »

« He's probably worth more than you are ! » she yelled without any fear but Kazama just exploded in laughter.

« You think so ? Then I guess I have no other choice than to make you a widow. » he laughed, getting closer.

« Chizuru, get behind me. » I repeated.

« I will not. » she answered, unsheathing her kodachi.

« You should listen to him, Yukimura. » objected Kazama « I will kill him regardless but I'd rather not damage you in the process. So if you could stay still and wait for it to be over, which will be soon, I'd appreciate it. »

Chizuru took her fighting stance, full of hatred, and her hair turned white, her eyes golden and the horns grew on her forehead but that didn't seem to impress Kazama.

« You won't touch him. » she affirmed.

« Or what ? » asked Kazama with a grin, turning into his demon self as well.

« Chizuru ! » I shouted but she threw herself forward with inhuman speed, her kodachi in hand.

Kazama chuckled and kicked her in the stomach with force, making her land on a nearby tree and hit her head.

« Chizuru ! » I shouted again, running to get to her, ignoring the pain.

She was already healing but she uncontrollably turned back into her normal self, terrified. I positioned myself in front of her, shielding her.

« Now that she's calmed down, shall we fight ? » he asked me, visibly enjoying the situation.

I stayed silent, focus, and waited for him to make the first move.


	49. Death

With his golden eyes and his horns, he looked almost godly and I could sense his desire to kill, fiercely radiating. I already had trouble against Amagiri and I could sense that Kazama was even more powerful. And with my wound and fever... The only thing I could rely on was my mind and volition.

« Normally, I would have been kind enough to let you go since you look injured. » said Kazama, his smile gone « but you stole my wife and that is an affront that can only lead to a death sentence. »

I ignored his provocation and stayed focus and silent. My only chance was to surprise him with a rapid iai technique and I wouldn't let him get inside my mind to spread chaos in it.

_Unfaltering. Unwavering. Focused. Calm. Let his words flow on me like water on a rock. _

_Today will not be the day I die. _

Kazama made the first move and I unsheathed my sword, charging forward with my katana high above my head, aiming for Kazama's right shoulder.

« Too slow... » I heard him whisper in my ear.

My target wasn't there anymore and I didn't have the time to turn around before Kazama landed his sword on my back, cutting from shoulder to hips. Luckily, it wasn't deep but I hissed in pain, swinging my katana back at him but again, I cut through air as his blade landed on my right shoulder, cutting deep this time.

« Ugh... » I grunted, overpowered.

« You're weak. » said Kazama as a death sentence. « And you're boring. Just surrender already, it'll be less painful. »

« I do not surrender. » I said with force, panting in pain and exhaustion « Not to you. Not to anyone. »

« As you wish, maggot. » he chuckled, attacking some more.

His blade landed mercilessly on my shoulders, arms, legs... And I was unable to fight back. Whatever I could try, his sword was moving too fast for my eye to catch and he didn't even blink while he was evading all my blows. I could see that he was avoiding all my vital parts. He was enjoying himself, like a cat playing with his prey, making it endure torture before killing it. He was smiling as my blood was dripping and splashing on the ground.

« Hajime ! » yelled Chizuru.

She ran to me as Kazama landed another blow on my left forearm, sectioning the muscle. My left arm couldn't lift my sword anymore, nothing but a dead weight.

« Chizuru, step back ! » I shouted, taking my sword in my right hand.

I still had an arm. I still could fight. I still could protect her.

She obeyed, crying, and I roared, leaping forward with my sword in my right hand. In a single movement, Kazama blocked it, cut the muscle of my right arm and landed his katana on my side, were my bullet wound was.

I screamed and backed of. Both my arms were unusable now but I still was clenching furiously to my katana. My face was nothing more than an expression of extreme pain and hatred and every inch of my clothes was soaked in blood. My blood. I was still standing, holding my side, panting in pain and exhaustion. It was over.

_I will die standing, my katana in hand. You can't take my honor away from me. _

Unexpectedly, Chizuru came shielding me with her body, positioning herself between Kazama and I.

« Please, stop ! I'll accompany you ! » she yelled, her eyes pleading.

« That's cute » replied Kazama with a mischievous grin « but you are already coming with me, even if I kill him. »

« Chizuru... get behind me... » I managed to utter in a broken voice.

« I'll do anything you want ! I'll marry you ! Please ! » she cried, falling to her knees and bowing to Kazama « Please don't kill him... I'll do anything... »

« Move. » replied Kazama.

« Chizuru... Don't... » I whispered, writhing in agony.

« I'll do anything... Please... » she cried again.

Kazama kicked her away and she screamed, but when he was going to land his katana on me for the last time, she opened her mouth again.

« Kazama ! » she shouted.

We both turned to her to see that she was firmly holding her kodachi against her throat, her eyes showing nothing else but resolve.

« You kill him and I die with him. » she said in her commanding princess voice. « You can't be fast enough to stop me. »

Kazama chuckled with arrogance and sheathed back his sword as if I wasn't even there. There was nothing I could do to threaten him anyway, my arms two dead weight hanging from my shoulders.

« I like women with spirit. » he said with a grin « Alright, I'll show you I can be merciful. Consider this my wedding gift. »

Chizuru sheathed back her kodachi and clenched her fists, looking at the ground.

« Don't... Chizuru... » I called but Kazama silenced me with a kick in the stomach, making me fall to the ground. I tightened my bloodstained hand around the hilt of my sword but I couldn't lift it anymore. I was doomed.

« Hajime ! » yelled Chizuru and she came to help me lay back against a tree, crying.

« Don't... Chizuru... » I repeated « I will not... let him take you... I can pro... tect... you... I can... »

She didn't answer and kissed me with force and desperation but Kazama pulled her hair, forcing her to part from me.

« That isn't really a behavior acceptable for my soon to be wife. » he scolded « you're going to make me regret my wedding gift. »

He threw her on the ground and she cried in pain. It was unbearable. I was there, watching him hurt her, and I couldn't do anything to save her. I failed as a samurai, as a husband, as a man.

« Yukimura. » he ordered « there's a palanquin waiting for you on the road. Go. »

« No... You'll kill him... » she whispered, sobbing.

« I won't. » he said, unwavering « Have I ever lied to you ? »

She hesitated, her gorgeous chestnut eyes filled with tears. How I loved her eyes... And now they were crying because of me again, because I wasn't strong enough...

« Yukimura, if you don't go, I will loose patience and kill him. » he said with authority « and believe me when I say you won't have time to open that delicate little neck of yours. »

She stood up and looked at me one last time, hesitating, before turning to Kazama.

« You can force me to accompany you but you'll never have my love ! » she shouted with hatred.

« I have no use for your love. » he declared with a grin « I just need your womb. »

He was replying to Chizuru but his eyes were aiming only at me. I was the true target for his words and they hitted me like bullets. If only I could stand... If only I could wield my sword...

« Hajime... » she said, looking at me with all the love she had for me, the love that I never deserved « I love you. I will always love you. »

« Chizuru... » I started but Kazama's foot landed on my wound, making me gasp.

« Yukimura, I am out of patience. You go now or I kill him. »

My wife stared at me and turned away, leaving me with Kazama who crouched before me, putting his face in front of my eyes. He unsheathed his katana once more and served me a mischievous grin.

« I promised her I would not kill you and I am a man of my word. » he said, smiling « but I can't prevent you from dying from your wounds. »

He planted his katana in my stomach, deep, and I groaned in pain.

« No vital is touched but you will die slowly. » he said, pulling back his sword and sheathing it « you'll have all the time to repent. » he added, lifting my chin to plunge his golden eyes in mine « now you are forgiven for daring spoiling what was rightfully mine. »

He stood up and I groaned and gritted my teeth. I couldn't even speak anymore. My whole body was nothing but pain and agony. With a smile and a wave of the hand, he turned around and disappeared, joining Chizuru.

I wanted to stand up, to run after them, to save her... I couldn't, kept prisonner by my dying flesh. My shallow breathing was the only sign that I was still alive as the puddle of blood underneath me was getting bigger and bigger on the forest floor.

I felt death opening her arms to welcome me and I clenched to my sword. I couldn't say that I didn't have any regret but I was ready to enter the afterlife as a warrior.


	50. Part-3

Part 2 is now over !

It was a shorter time period, less than a year, but there was so much to tell ! I feel like now is the right moment to cut !

I know, I said in comment that Toba-Fushimi would be late but I got very stressed lately and I wrote like A LOT because of it which of course, wasn't planned !

I'm sorry I killed Saito... But do not worry since his story hasn't come to an end yet !

I'll see you in part 3 !

Don't forget to review and tell me what you liked and didn't like in my story ! I love to know your opinion !

(Guest : I litterally live for your comments ! Especially since my life is shit lately so your comments are always the highlights of my days !)

Special thanks to Guest, obviously, Gome and Haruka (welcome back ! Sorry, we're back in sad stuff...) who had followed me since the start !

Thanks to priesevermore too for her/his kind reviews and mp !

You guys are always pushing me forward ! I hope I'll keep seeing you commenting Part 3 and I can't wait to have your opinion on that Part 2 !

I have another important iai training weekend so I will probably not post chapters this weekend but see you next week in the beginning of this new arc.


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